The Gentleman Who Loved Me (Heart of Enquiry Book 6)(96)
“What was he like then?” she couldn’t help but ask.
“Charming, confident… and young.” Mama hesitated. “Despite what he must have seen of the world, he wasn’t as jaded as one would expect. His sense of honor was still intact, and there was a tenderness in him that life hadn’t managed to extinguish. It was those two qualities, I think, that prompted him to aid in my quest to find you.”
“Andrew is honorable and tender,” Rosie said, her voice scratchy, “and he’s been through so much. More than you know. His mother was addicted to drink, and she brought him into the trade when he was only…” She bit her lip, not wanting to betray her lover’s confidences. “The point is, he had every reason to resent his mama. But he didn’t. He loved her. And despite the fact that he’s a pimp, he’s a good man—just ask anyone who works for him. He’s generous and strong and caring.”
Mama regarded her with compassionate eyes. “You love him.”
“I do.” Rosie’s voice hitched. “I’m so confused!”
“Because he hasn’t told you he loves you?”
“No, he did. In fact, I’m the one who hasn’t said the words. I was going to the night that Kitty appeared. Now I don’t know what to do.” Belly clenching, she recognized the crux of her dilemma. “How can I love a man who’d love a woman like Kitty? Who’d leave me with her, knowing what she intended to do?”
“First things first. What makes you think Corbett loved Kitty Barnes?”
“He told me he started sleeping with her when he was fifteen. He didn’t end the affair until two years ago. Why would he consort with her for that long—even if it was on and off—if not for love?”
“How old was Kitty when the affair began?”
Mama’s question made Rosie blink. Her heart began to thud. “I… don’t know.”
“Well, I met that woman fourteen years ago, and I’d give her more than a decade on Corbett,” Mama said bluntly. “Which means that she was at least twenty-five when she began an affair with a fifteen-year-old. A boy only months older than your brother is now. So you tell me: do you think love is the true explanation for why he got tangled in her web?”
The realization slammed into Rosie—and made her ill. She hadn’t even thought of the age difference between Kitty and Andrew at the start of their relationship. Of how vulnerable he must have been back then. How easily he could have been preyed upon by an experienced bawd. One who’d not only taken him to her bed but sold his services to others.
His words suddenly surfaced from two nights ago. I knew it wasn’t right… it never was… I tried to end it… I don’t know why I let her back in…
Rosie’s heart splintered. Because she knew why he’d let Kitty back.
It was the same reason she’d tried to win the ton’s approval. The same reason she’d made all those stupid mistakes over and over again and made the worst of one of all by marrying Daltry. The same reason she’d been afraid of falling in love with Andrew—the best thing that had ever happened to her.
She doubted her own self-worth… as Andrew doubted his.
“Andrew couldn’t rid himself of Kitty,” she said in a pained whisper, “because he didn’t think he deserved any better.”
“Knowing what I do of that woman,” Mama said, her eyes hard, “I am certain she had tactics for keeping him under her thumb. For taking advantage of his good character.”
It killed Rosie to think that Kitty had gotten her claws into Andrew. And it killed her even more to realize that she hadn’t seen it. How similar she and Andrew were. How, beneath his powerful self-possession and all his success, he harbored his own insecurities… even as he’d worked toward curing hers. He’d made her feel cherished, beautiful—never dirty or damaged. And what had she given him in return?
With throbbing remorse, she realized that she, in her own way, had also taken advantage of Andrew’s noble nature. After all he’d done for her, protecting her, loving her, she hadn’t even given him a chance to explain. Instead, she’d doubted him, blamed him for not rescuing her from Kitty—when he’d, in truth, been little more than a boy himself. A victim of the circumstances just as she’d been.
She understood that now.
“Oh, Mama,” she said fitfully, “I’ve treated Andrew so shabbily!”
“Your reaction is understandable.” Mama’s eyes were overly bright. “Because of the mistakes I made, you didn’t have security or love for the first eight years of your life. Is it any wonder that Kitty’s appearance would trigger your fears of abandonment—of being betrayed?”
“The past is not your fault, Mama.” Keeping her sister in the crook of her arm, Rosie reached for her mother’s hand and squeezed it. “You always did your best by me, and you’ve taught me to be strong. I couldn’t have wished for a better mother,” she said sincerely. “I love you, and I’m sorry I don’t say it often enough.”
“Dearest.” A tear trickled down Mama’s cheek.
“And thank you for helping me figure out what I need to do next.”
“What is that?”
“I have to apologize to Andrew—and listen to what he has to say.” Rosie swallowed. “But I think… I think the past doesn’t matter any longer. Because I love him, Mama. If he can forgive me for all my mistakes, then surely I can do the same for him.”