The Gender Fall (The Gender Game #5)(82)

I ran my hands over my head again, the emotions that flooded through me at that statement too complicated to parse right now. “Look,” I began, “I’m not saying I need to be with you guys every step of the way. I just… I can’t stay here. Not after last mission. It was… it was torment! I had no idea whether you were okay or not, and my mind kept taking me to dark places.”

Viggo frowned, his dark brows furrowing over deep green eyes. I took a deep breath, then moved to him, taking one of his hands into my own. “This is who we are, Viggo,” I reasoned. “We… we will never be the ‘stay behind’ type—we are both best in the moment. We both need to be there so that we can help each other, rescue each other… face these trials together.”

As I spoke, Viggo’s other hand came up and over my left hand, holding it tightly between his two larger ones. “Violet, you know I don’t want you to feel left out. And yes, I agree, as far as teams go, there is no one I would rather have by my side. There is no one I trust more with a mission—and with my life—than you.”

I smiled up at him, beaming with his praise, but the smile died when I saw the hesitation on his face. “But?” I asked.

“But you are not in fighting form right now. I say this with all the love in my heart I can possibly offer up… I know this will hurt you, but you are a liability right now.” He bent his knees a little, bringing his face down to my level, his eyes searching my features for a reaction.

I sighed, turning my face away from him and sliding my hand out from between his. I moved away, each step making me more certain what he was saying was true, even if the truth caused my stomach to churn in frustration. Rubbing my opposite shoulder with my good hand, I turned my eyes upward and exhaled.

I heard the hard sound of his shoes on the floorboards behind me, and felt his hands come over my shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I never want to hurt you.”

“You’re not,” I said, my voice coming out a whisper. “I just don’t think I can do this.” I paused, my throat constricting. I was completely unable to help, and that was what was going to break me down—not the pain, not the unbeatable odds, but the knowledge I was useless.

“Hey,” Viggo breathed, his voice gentle. I let him turn me around, and he reached out and placed a finger under my chin, lifting my head to meet my gaze. “What’s this really about?”

I tsked, letting my eyes drift away in embarrassment. “It’s stupid,” I admitted.

A crooked smile spread on his lips. “Try me.”

I pulled away from him. “I guess I don’t think I’m leadership material,” I replied honestly, feeling inexplicably vulnerable at my admission. He gave a surprised huff, his smile growing until I got a flash of his white teeth. “You’re laughing at me,” I said sulkily, and he shook his head, his green eyes sparkling.

“Never,” he said. “The idea that you don’t think you’re leadership material is just a little surprising to me.”

I moved away, sitting down on the edge of the bed, my face going serious. “When everyone was gone the other night, and then I got that message from Amber about killing the transmission… my mind went to horrible places. I did my best to try to plan for the worst-case scenario, but it wasn’t enough. And then I couldn’t help thinking about how I had to lead everyone, maybe even evacuate them all, when I had no idea where I could even take them. I have no idea how to lead them now… or what to do if this plan doesn’t work.”

Viggo frowned. “Violet, you did everything you could’ve done, and frankly, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. If you ask Ms. Dale, I bet she’ll agree with me.”

I doubted his words, even though I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. To be honest, the doubt was directed at myself. It had been growing ever since I had woken up with a shaved head and a lot more limitations than I was used to.

Viggo, sensing my turmoil, reached over and took my hand. “You are more than capable of this. I trust you implicitly to take care of the people here—and to make decisions on their behalf. Not to mention… if I get captured, I’m going to need you to come rescue me. Just like old times.”

A laugh escaped my lungs, taking with it some of my mounting apprehension. I shook my head, and then leaned into him, resting on his shoulder. His arm came around my waist, holding me firmly in his embrace.

“I still don’t like it,” I admitted.

“I know,” he replied, his breath tickling my exposed scalp. “But this is what happens in war. Sometimes we have to do what we must, instead of what we want.”

I went silent for a moment, and then asked with a wry smile, “So, if our positions were reversed, you’d be okay with me going and you having to stay behind?”

Viggo chuckled, pulling me tighter against his side. “I’ve already been there, back in The Green. You and Owen…” He trailed off, and I shot a glance up at him.

“Are you doing okay with all that? I mean, you seem less robotic now.”

Viggo’s mouth drew tight, and he shrugged. “Okay? No, definitely not. But I’m, uh, processing. This mission will help, I think. It’ll keep my mind off everything for a while.”

I looked at his face, noting its tired lines, and reached up to touch his cheek, stroking the rough edges of his beard. “I love you,” I told him. “I don’t care if it takes me a thousand years to convince you it wasn’t your fault—I will never stop trying. And eventually, I will succeed.”