The First Taste(98)

I glance up at the Yankees game in time to see Masahiro Tanaka strike out his batter. Nathan and I raise our glasses toward the TV and cheers. Since Jersey doesn’t have a major league baseball team, I root for the Yanks, my only concession where New York is concerned. “Not exactly,” I answer Nathan. “It’s more complicated than that.”

Nathan sighs. “Is it? After four years, are you seriously not ready to open up at all? To bring Amelia into Bell’s life?”

I nod out of habit more than agreement. I’m used to hearing it from Sadie, but Nathan is generally understanding of my stance on love. Am I not ready? Can I not open up? That isn’t the case. I already opened up to Amelia. Seeing Shana again should’ve sharpened that fear of falling for someone new, but instead, I turned to Amelia for support. I stop nodding and shake my head. “No, actually. I mean, yeah, Shana f*cked me up. But I think I’m finally . . . over it.”

“Because of Amelia?” Nathan sounds surprised.

“Not completely. I just needed time and distance from Shana, and I have that now. But also, seeing Shana again, I felt nothing at all—except protective of Bell. No anger, no hurt.” I spin my glass on the bar. Would I have felt the same if Amelia weren’t in the picture, though? She’s not the reason I’m ready to move on from Shana, but she was the reason I suddenly wanted to. “And yes,” I add, “because of Amelia.”

“You really like her.”

“I do.”

“Then why . . .?”

I look at Nate. He’s a romantic, always has been. He’d love for everything to work out for everyone. It’s not that simple, though. “She’s scared. I was willing to take that risk with her, but she freaked out and left me hanging when I needed her, and I can’t risk that happening again. Not with Bell in the picture.”

“Well.” He hesitates. “Didn’t she just get divorced?”

“Not even. They’re still battling it out.”

“And you’ve been doing this for four years. Remember what it was like in the early days? Wouldn’t you have freaked out too?”

“Yeah. I understand it, but I just don’t think she’s ready.”

“If you feel that way, why’d you get involved with her in the first place?”

“We agreed to keep it casual. No feelings.”

“And you’re upset that she held up her end of the agreement.”

I look at him sidelong, not sure if I’m impressed or annoyed with his emotional ninja skills. “There’s more to it than that.”

“Is it? Jesus. I’ve never seen Amelia giddy, but that’s what she is around you. Normally she’s all business, all the time, to the point I wonder if she even knows how to smile. Not with you, though.”

I wave him off. “It’s the sex.”

He laughs. “Probably. But I think it’s more for her.”

He’s right. I know it. She knows it. It started out as sex, but I think we knew that first night it would never be just that, even if we never saw each other again. Fuck. Knowing others can see what we have makes this even harder to swallow. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong,” I admit. “But she’s going through what I went through years ago with Shana. I sure as f*ck wasn’t ready back then to get involved with anyone.”

“So who better to guide her through that than you?” he asks, leaning his elbows on the bar. “I just haven’t seen you excited about anyone since Shana. And Amelia, I’ve never seen her like this. I’d hate to see you both walk away because of pride or fear or whatever you’re hung up on. Everything else aside, how do you feel about her?”

“I told you. I like her. All the things you just said—excited. Giddy. Protective.”

“Then don’t give up on her,” he says, and I don’t have to question why he’s so adamant. He’s been through his own shit with Sadie. He fought for her then, and he’d fight for her again. That kind of love is a gift, and maybe I’ve been given the opportunity to fight for it as well. “Amelia has her rough edges,” he says, “so do you. If you two somehow fit together, that’s a little bit of a miracle, isn’t it?”

It’s true—I can’t imagine anyone out there worse for me than Amelia. She should be with someone like Reggie, someone wealthy, influential, ambitious. I should be with someone who could spend a day talking shit and smoking cigarettes at the garage with me and the guys.

“Plus, Bell seems to like her,” Nathan adds. “I saw how she grabbed her hand before we left.”

My chest tightens. Bell is noticing Amelia, and because she’s just a kid, she’ll trust her. If that’s supposed to make me happy, it doesn’t. What happens if Bell turns ten, and Amelia isn’t there to give her a locket? I didn’t worry about these things before Shana, and since her, I’ve never cared enough to worry.

I nod at Nathan as if I’m agreeing, so we can end the conversation. Because I won’t be able to put into words the fear of Bell and Amelia getting close, and even if I could, he wouldn’t understand.

He will, in about three months, but until he has a little girl of his own, he won’t realize the lengths he’ll go through to protect her.

Or the ways a father would unflinchingly sacrifice his own happiness for his daughter’s.