The Fear That Divides Us (The Devil's Dust #3)(58)

Driving back to the dock, I watch Jessica. She’s sitting up at the front, watching the waves, her hair blowing in the wind.

I park the boat and place the key back where I found it. Climbing off and securing it to a dock post, I reach for Jessica’s hand, helping her off.

“That was amazing, Bobby. I can’t believe you rented a boat,” Jessica remarks, admiring the craft swaying back and forth in the waves.

“Get the f*ck away from my boat before I call the cops!”

Jessica and I both look toward the shore, finding an older man raising a fist and running on the dock toward us pissed.

“Um, Bobby,” Jessica starts, turning to eye me warily.

“Okay, so maybe I didn’t rent the boat. Run!” I yell, pressing on the small of her back. Jessica grabs her shoes and runs laughing. With the older guy gaining on us, I grab Jessica by the waist and throw her over my shoulder, running with her slung over my shoulder. We run all the way up the wooden dock and onto the beach laughing the whole time. Out of breath, I stop, and lower Jessica who is red in the face from giggling so hard.

“Oh, my God, that was so much fun,” Jessica pants, eyeing the dock to see if the old man is coming.

My hands on her hips, I pull her ass toward the front of me. Watching the horizon ignite with lightning, I place my chin on her head, still chuckling at getting caught for joyriding. Any other girl would have been pissed I stole a boat, but Jessica loved it, and loved getting caught.

“I love you,” I whisper into her head. I feel Jessica stiffen under my hold, and turn slowly, causing me to release her. My heart beats violently against my ribcage, realizing what I just said.

“I mean, I—”

“No, you said you love me,” Jessica reaffirms, her eyes widening with surprise.

I inhale and swallow the lump in my throat. Why deny it?

“I did say it. I do love you,” I whisper, looking down at the sand beneath her bare feet.

“You said you wouldn’t. You promised,” Jessica murmurs, her voice cracking with emotion and edged with anger.

“I’ve loved you since the day you and Addie walked into my life, Jessica. I just didn’t realize it ‘til recently. I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that I fell in love before now. I know there are a dozen reasons why we shouldn’t be together, but I don’t f*cking care,” I tell her, my tone gaining hostility at the thought of her pushing me away. Again.

“NO!” Jessica yells, pushing at my chest angry. I turn my head and take a breath at her reaction. “I will not be trapped in another relationship. I won’t be with another dangerous man!” Jessica screams loudly.

I snap my head toward her and clench my jaw. “You killed a man, Jessica. You are just as dangerous as I am!” I yell angrily, making her even angrier. “And you love me,” I mutter, my eyes furrowed inward as I stare her down.

“No I—” she pauses and inhales quickly. “No, I don’t,” she whispers, her voice wavering.

“Yes, you do,” I press, my tone serious.

Jessica shakes her head, tears running down her face. “It doesn’t matter if I do or not. We can’t be together because of the club’s f*cking rules, Bobby,” Jessica protests.

“Bullshit,” I mumble, rubbing my hands together and looking out at the ocean’s waves turning hostile from the storm.

“What?” she turns back to me with vicious eyes.

“Bullshit, Jessica,” I repeat. “When are you going to stop with the shit excuses and admit you’re just afraid of being hurt, of having your heart broken?” I yell, my voice echoing through the night. Jessica sucks in a sudden breath, her nostrils flaring at my confrontation. “Admit it!” I roar, pointing at her.

“I am! I am afraid of loving you, Bobby. You’re a player, a manipulator who likes to live life on the edge. How long after being with me are you going to get bored and walk out on me and Addie?” Jessica sobs, tears running down her face, one hand tangled in her hair in dismay.

“I wouldn’t do that. I’m not Travis!” Jessica winces when she hears her ex-husband’s name leave my mouth. Jessica gives a half laugh, breaking the sudden shock written on her face.

“You said so yourself, Bobby, you can’t commit. Look at us. We can’t even go on a date without fighting,” she continues, wiping the tears from her face. I turn, running my hand on the back of my neck irritated.

I did say that. We’ve both said a lot of things along the years, defending why we shouldn’t be together. But they were just excuses, lies. In reality, I’m just as afraid of being hurt as she is; scared I can’t deliver what she needs from me. I thought maybe Jessica was breaking through the fear that caged her, but it looks like she isn’t any more free than she was when I met her. Travis will always be a part of her, terrorizing her, keeping her from opening up to me fully.

“Yeah, we fight, everyone fights. I tell you when you’re being a bitch, and you tell me when I’m being a dick,” I mutter. Jessica’s eyes widen before squinting back to anger.

Lightning strikes just above us as the clouds sprinkle cold rain.

“Take me home, Bobby,” Jessica demands, turning and walking up the cement steps, back to the truck. The anger racing through me makes my face flush with heat, my jaw clenched to the point it aches.