The Fear That Divides Us (The Devil's Dust #3)(26)

“Can you watch Addie for me today? I am going to go see my mom and Addie isn’t up for it.”

“Yeah, sure, babe, let me grab my books,” she replies, twirling her left pigtail.

“Awesome, make yourself at home. I have plenty of groceries if you get hungry,” I add, walking back into my apartment to grab my purse and phone. I lean over the overstuffed couch and give Addie’s head a big kiss, her smell of bubble gum shampoo wafting around me. I’ll never get tired of that smell. It’s a smell of comfort and a reminder of how blessed I am to have her. If Travis and I did anything right in our relationship, it was creating her.

“Be good, baby. Call me if you need me,” I mumble into her hair.

She nods, while keeping her eyes glued to the TV.

***

I drive to the country club that is over two hours away. My mother has my back with Travis’s disappearance, but I can’t take any chances. I wish I could see her more, but to put Addie and me so close to Travis’s side of the family in Nevada is too risky. Nobody asked questions when I said I was moving after Travis’s disappearance luckily, making it easy to get away from any suggestion that I had something to do with him being missing. I simply said I couldn’t be in our house anymore; that it brought too many memories. Everyone took it to be endearing, but in reality, I meant it in a traumatic way.

I pull up to the white marbled building, a huge bright green golf course surrounding the estate, with a red barn filled with top-bred horses sitting off in the distance. It’s a country club for the wealthy; it’s the only place my mother ever wants to meet.

I drive onto the circular drive, parking under the canopy where a valet stands professionally with his arms crossed behind his back. Wearing a black hat and a maroon vest, his cheeks are shaved clean and his brown eyes greet me brightly.

His eyes form a scowl as he eyes my Jeep. My car is not something he is used to seeing at such an establishment I’m sure.

I climb out and toss him the keys, causing him to eye me like I’ve lost my mind. I wink and walk inside, heading to the restaurant in the club. The carpet is soft under the soles of my flats, and the smell of expensive cigars and perfume invite me as I walk in.

Looking over the sea of white-clothed tables, I spot my mother right away. Her blonde hair is flawless, skirting down her shoulders, a poufy hat on her head, and she is wearing some hideous peach-colored dress. She hands a fork to a waiter with a disgusted look on her face, before her eyes catch mine. She immediately stands, her eyes sparking with excitement. I smirk and head over to her.

“Jessica, my dear,” my mother greets, taking me into a big hug. Her perfume is strong; I can’t even make out what it smells like aside from alcohol. It makes my head swim from the fumes.

“Where is Addie?” my mother asks, looking behind me as if Addie will magically appear.

“She wasn’t feeling up to it today,” I reply, sitting on the stylish chair across from her.

“I see,” she replies, disappointed as she takes her seat. “I wish she would have come. I hardly get to see her as it is,” she continues, her tone calculating and stern.

I give a tightlipped smile and pick the menu up. My mother may seem like an over-the-top priss but she really isn’t. I have seen her when she’s not in the public’s eyes, or around my father. She is awesome and actually kind of cool. But she would gasp in horror if she heard me refer to her as cool.

“Are you going to give me any more grand babies, Jessica?” she asks casually, gazing over her menu. “Have you met anyone yet?” she continues to question after I chose to ignore her. I sigh heavily; we have this conversation every time we see each other.

“I’m going to give you the same answer as last time; no,” I answer just as casually, looking over my menu.

My mother collapses her arms on her menu and groans. Her face doesn’t scowl or frown from all the Botox, but I can tell she is displeased.

“You are free, Jessica. You can be with anyone now. Why are you doing this to yourself?” she nags, shaking her head.

My mother doesn’t know about my fear, or that I have night terrors of Travis. She had no idea that I was terrified of falling in love with someone. I keep everyone at bay to keep that from happening in fact. I loved Travis. I fell for him hard after he took my virginity when we were younger. I was one of those girls, yes. After he literally beat me into not loving him, preaching in my ear that I was unlovable, the last thing I want to do is get cozy with any man.

My mother knows nothing of that. She refers to me being free and being able to be with anyone I want, and has done so since I was a teenager, or more specifically, from the first time I rebelled against my father. We were at one of our usual stuck-up family gatherings. My mother was showing her new furniture off while my father was handing out expensive cigars, and I was outside on the patio away from it all. I didn’t even know everyone. My family gatherings consisted of a handful of actual family members and high-profile couples my parents knew. If my father or mother saw me, they would call me over and brag about how well I was doing in my educational courses. How I had colleges already interested. It was humiliating. I loved medicine, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes, I just wanted to run with the wind to see where it took me.

I was sitting outside in some over-the-top black dress my mother insisted I wear in the heat of the summer, bored out of my mind when I met Vincent. I had seen him from parties my parents had before. He would stare at me from afar, an alluring smirk across his face as his eyes devoured me. He made me feel taboo. The unknowing in the ripe ages of my teen years.