The Ending I Want(81)

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Carrick says.

Liam’s voice sounds different.

Is that…a hint of excitement I hear in his voice?

The only time I’ve ever heard Liam excited is when he’s about to f*ck me or come.

I know Liam loves the Prix, and I know he’s met Carrick before, quite a few times. But I guess if you idolize a sport, you idolize the sportsmen who make it what it is, no matter who you are.

And I know for a fact that, if this were me meeting Jake again, I’d be just as freaked out as I was the first time I met him.

“Andi, lovely to see you again.” Liam kisses her on the cheek in greeting.

“You, too.” She smiles at him.

I feel another hit of jealousy.

I don’t know why.

What the hell is up with me right now?

I need to sort myself out, stat.

“Carrick, Andi, this is Taylor,” Liam introduces, putting his arm around my waist.

“Hi.” I smile. “It’s really nice to meet you both.”

“American.” Andi smiles.

She really is pretty. Like supermodel pretty.

And she has a husband who clearly adores her, and she’s going to have a baby and a long life.

Stop it.

“Guilty as charged.” I smile again.

“I love America.” Andi tells me. “Whereabouts are you from?”

“Boston.”

“Oh, I’ve never been to Boston. Would love to go though.”

“Then, I’ll take you,” Carrick says to her.

She turns her face to his and smiles at him. He smiles back at her.

It’s a secret smile, one filled with love and adoration and memories of time shared that only they know about.

You can feel the love flowing between them. Like a living, breathing entity.

And it’s immensely bothering me for some reason.

I have the sudden urge to cry.

“If you’ll excuse me, I just need to use the restroom,” I say to everyone. But, for some reason, I can’t bring myself to look directly at Liam.

I slip out of Liam’s hold, but he catches my wrist as I start to move away.

I force my eyes to his face, and pain pierces my chest.

Why is it hurting me to look at him?

“You okay, babe?” he asks softly.

His eyes are burning into mine. And there’s concern in his. I can see it clearly.

My discomfort must be obvious.

I force a smile. “I’m fine. Just need to pee.”

“You’ve been quiet. Do you have a headache coming on?”

“No, nothing like that. I’m fine.” I give another smile.

He stares at me for a long moment and then finally says, “Okay. I’ll be here, waiting for you when you get back.”

He releases my arm, and I make my exit, heading straight for the restroom.

I go into a stall and lock the door behind me. I sit down on the toilet.

I don’t need to pee. It was just an excuse because I needed to get out of there. I was meeting Carrick Ryan, and all I wanted to do was run away.

Because I felt like I was suffocating in that room.

I was envious. Jealous even. Of the way Carrick looks at Andi. Of their clear and visible love for one another. The baby growing inside her stomach.

Not because I want Carrick. Far from it.

It’s because of Liam. And me.

No matter all the pep talks I give myself and all the internal convincing I do that loving Liam is okay, that my one-sided feelings are f*cking awesome, it isn’t going to change the fact that, deep down inside me, I know it isn’t okay.

Loving Liam makes me want him. It makes me want him to feel the same for me as I do for him. Loving him makes me want the things that everyone else gets to have.

Looking at Andi and Carrick together has made me realize that. How much I want that.

I want Liam to look at me like no one else in the world exists, except for me. I want to wear his ring one day. I want to know what it feels like to have his child growing inside me.

I want things that aren’t available to me.

And I can’t pretend that it doesn’t make me sad because it does.

It makes my heart hurt in a way I find hard to explain.

If I were living a different life, I might get to have all those things with Liam.

But I don’t get to have that other life.

I don’t get to have a life at all.

Soon, I will go, and Liam will do all those things with someone else. He’ll love some other woman. He’ll marry her. Have a child with her.

And knowing that…it f*cking hurts.

I press my hand to my stomach, holding in the pain, and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying, but the stupid tears fall anyway.

I pull some toilet paper off the roll and blot the tears away.

Closing my eyes, I take calming deep breaths in and out.

I need to stop this. A pity party in a restroom stall is not how I should be spending my time.

Standing, I drop the paper in the toilet and flush it. I let myself out of the stall and walk over to the sinks.

I stare at myself in the restroom mirror.

Remember why you’re doing this, Taylor.

Mom, Dad, Parker, and Tess.

They’re the reason you are choosing to die instead of fighting to live. So you can be with them again.