The Ending I Want(105)

“I’ll bring it through,” Archie calls back from somewhere in the house.

Grandpa steers me into the sitting room and down into an armchair, and I let him because I don’t have the strength right now to do anything myself. It took everything I had to drive here.

He takes the armchair opposite me. “Tell me what happened.”

My grandpa doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s always been a straight-to-the-point man—just like I am.

So, I tell him everything, only pausing when Archie brings in the coffee. I tell Grandpa about Taylor—her list…what happened to her family. I tell him about me asking Taylor to stay in London with me. About her collapsing in Cam’s bar, going to the hospital…the tumor…and lastly, the conversation I had with her before I left.

I tell him that she wants to die.

He lets out a long breath. “Liam, if Taylor wanted to die…really and truly die, she would have done it long ago.”

“What?” I stare at him.

“Look, this is going to sound harsh, but if a person really wants to kill themselves, they’ll do it and make sure it sticks. People throw themselves off of bridges and under trains and swallow a handful of pills to ensure they don’t have to live.”

“She is killing herself.” I grit my teeth.

“She’s letting herself suffer because she thinks she deserves it. There is a difference. Taylor might truly believe that she wants to die. But, deep down, if you dig in far enough, there is a part of her that wants to live. The part of her that put her on that plane and brought her here to fulfill that list. The part of her that allowed herself to be with you, to care about you.

“Right now, Taylor is eaten up by guilt, and she’s punishing herself in the only way she knows how. She can’t make the decision for herself whether she should live or die, so she’s letting the tumor do it for her. If you want to reach her, Liam, then you have to reach that part of her that does want to live, remind her of what it’s like to truly be alive, what it’s like to be happy again.”

“That’s what I’ve been doing this last week and a half with her—showing her happiness and helping her to face her fears and showing her what it’s like to truly live.”

“Then, maybe she’s not as far gone as you think she is.”

I shake my head. “I saw her in that hospital room, Grandpa. I heard the words she was saying. She’s already gone. I’ve lost her.”

“She’s fighting an internal battle. I saw the way she looked at you, Liam. She lit up around you—and you, her. I haven’t ever seen you look at someone the way you look at her.”

It’s because I’ve never loved anyone in the way I do Taylor. It’s that comes-out-of-nowhere-and-grabs-ahold-of-you love. The kind where you can’t remember how you ever felt anything before her. The all-consuming, nothing-else-matters-but-her love.

That’s the love I feel for Taylor.

“I know Taylor has deep feelings for you, and those feelings are provoking the guilt she feels over her family because of what she believes she owes them—her life. But a part of her wants you, too. But, to have you, she has to live. And, if she lives, in her mind, she’ll be failing them again.”

I ache at the thought of the pain and turmoil she must be feeling. The pain she’s been feeling for so long.

“You need to make her see that’s not the case,” Grandpa continues. “That she doesn’t have to die. That she doesn’t have to pay for something that wasn’t her fault. That she can have a life with you. She deserves to be happy. And then, one day, after she’s lived a long life, then she can see her family again.”

“I tried, Grandpa. I told her these things, maybe not as eloquently as you just put it, but she wouldn’t hear them.”

“Then, you make her hear. You keep trying. You don’t just give up at the first hurdle, Liam. You’re a fighter. You always have been. No matter what life has thrown at you, how many times it’s knocked you down, you’ve always gotten back up, ready to fight. Don’t stop now. Fight for Taylor, and fight hard.”

My phone starts to ring in my pocket. The first thing I think of is Taylor.

Is it her calling?

I quickly get it out. My heart sags when I see it’s not her number calling. I don’t recognize the number ringing me. But I answer because I gave the hospital my number and told them to call me if there were any changes with Taylor.

“Hello?”

“Liam, it’s Dr. March.”

I stand up out of my seat, my heart stopping. “What’s happened? Is she okay?”

“We, um…I’m afraid I’m not sure.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Taylor’s gone.”

“She’s gone?” I gasp.

My grandpa gets to his feet.

“That’s why I’m calling—to tell you that she left the hospital without anyone’s knowledge. A short time ago, the nurse went into her room to take her vitals, and her bed was empty. Her clothes and shoes that she had arrived in are gone from the cupboard. We’ve searched the floor to make sure she hasn’t…fallen anywhere and hurt herself, but there are no signs of her. So, I got security to check the cameras, and she was seen leaving through the main entrance over a few hours ago.”