The Duke of Defiance (The Untouchables #5)(72)

Tears flooded her eyes, and she began to shake.

She’d no idea how long she lay there while every emotion—and every scrap of hope—drained from her. Eventually, she dragged herself from the bed and cleaned up. With Evie gone, she didn’t have anywhere to be this morning, so she kept to her chamber. A maid brought her chocolate and toast, which she barely touched.

Around noon, she forced herself to get dressed so she could go to Nora’s to fetch Evie, as they’d planned. She’d no desire to see her sister. She’d no desire to see anyone. Thankfully, Bran was not at home.

Her insides churned at the thought of him. Last night had been so perfect. The culmination of so many beautiful nights together. She’d come so close to telling him that she could be with child, but had ultimately decided not to. Now she was glad. He need never know of her foolishness.

She arrived at Nora’s and sternly told herself to put on the brave fa?ade she’d used all those years she’d been with Matthias. It was as natural as breathing, and yet today she found it unbearably difficult. Almost impossible.

And yet she did it, smiling at Abbott as he opened the door.

She went up to the drawing room to await Evie, bracing herself when Nora greeted her from the desk.

“Good afternoon,” Jo said brightly.

Nora set a piece of parchment aside. “I just received a letter from Lucy. Still no baby!” Nora shook her head as she rose. “Both she and Aquilla should have delivered by now, poor dears.”

Jo’s entire body stiffened to the point of feeling brittle, as if a strong wind would blow her into a thousand pieces. “Is Evie ready?”

Nora came toward her. “Do you need to hurry off? I thought we could have tea or maybe even some luncheon. I’m starving all the time now.” She rolled her eyes. “Soon I’ll be as big as a coach.”

Talk of babies and pregnancy had always made Jo uncomfortable, but today it was intolerable. She had to get out of there. “I really can’t stay.”

Nora’s gaze turned assessing in that I’m-watching-you older-sister way. “Is something the matter? You don’t look well.”

“I’m fine,” she said tightly. “Just…that time. I’d like to go home and lie down.”

“Of course, I’ll just ask Abbott to fetch Evie.” Nora left for a moment, and when she returned, Jo was no more settled than when she’d gone.

“Why don’t you sit while you wait?” Nora suggested.

“Please stop mothering me.” Jo knew she sounded waspish but didn’t care. It was all she could do to keep herself together.

“I’m not.” Nora used the overly patient tone that always drove Jo mad when they were younger, when Nora had indeed been trying to mother her. “I’m trying to be helpful. But apparently you are not in the mood for that.” Her voice grew cool.

Jo snapped. How dare Nora become irritated with her? “It’s your fault. I’ve always said it wasn’t, that you weren’t to blame for how my life turned out, but you are. If you hadn’t kissed Haywood, I would’ve had a Season, and I certainly wouldn’t have had to marry Matthias.”

Nora’s eyes widened, and her mouth gaped open.

Jo clasped her hands together, squeezing her fingers as long-buried anger burned through her. “You ruined my life.”

A tear fell from Nora’s eye, tracking down her cheek. “I know. And I’m so sorry. I never knew that your marriage was so troubled. If I could go back and change things, I would.”

“Would you? You probably wouldn’t be married to Titus. You might not even be a duchess.”

“That never really mattered to me—I only wanted to be happy. I wanted you to be happy.”

“But you didn’t think of me when Haywood came along.” Jo knew she was hurting her sister, but she was hurting too. She’d never voiced the bitterness she’d felt when her entire future had been spoiled.

Nora was crying in earnest now. “I would go back and change things. I would gladly give up my happiness for yours. When I think of you suffering for all those years… Did he beat you?” She wiped at her cheeks.

“Not with his fists but with words. He said I was less than a woman because I couldn’t give him children. When I found him in bed with a man, he told me that too was due to my failures.”

Nora gasped. She brought both hands to her mouth and shook her head. She moved toward Jo, but Jo took a step back. “I don’t want you to console me, and I don’t want to console you. I know that would make you feel better, but I’ve always done things for other people, never for myself. For you, for Matthias.”

For Bran. She’d warmed his bed—or allowed him to warm hers—and he’d reaped all the benefits. Now here she was, broken again, and she’d have to go on alone while he’d have his family.

She nearly doubled over at the thought. They’d been her family. She loved them—Evie and Bran. Oh yes, she loved him so very much.

Nora’s tearstained voice broke into Jo’s tormented thoughts. “Jo, I’m heartbroken. Please. Tell me what I can do.”

All the rage in Jo dissolved into sadness and hopelessness. Her head dropped, and she stared at the floor through a veil of unshed tears. “I don’t know. It’s…it’s all a mess,” she whispered, feeling utterly defeated. She blinked, then looked over at Nora. “I am barren after all. I thought I might not be, but I am.”