The Duke of Defiance (The Untouchables #5)(53)
Your Mother
Tension coiled through his muscles, and he realized he’d need another massage, probably before he went to meet Kendal. He had no idea how to respond to his mother, so he wouldn’t. He wasn’t ready for her to visit again either.
He sat back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. What the devil had happened to his life? He missed the sun, the smell of ginger lilies, the feel of the warm sand on his bare feet.
And yet England wasn’t as terrible as he’d feared. His household was shaping up, Evie had found a dear friend, his mother was no longer treating him as an aberration, and he’d met Jo.
He liked her very much. And as he’d anticipated, he especially liked bedding her. He hoped she felt the same way and anticipated speaking with her. He rose, intending to find her, damn the routine.
Except Dixon arrived at that moment so he sat back down. There’d be time to speak with her later. And time for his anticipation to grow.
After successfully avoiding Bran for the first half of the day, Jo was glad for the excuse of taking Evie to see Becky in order to avoid him in the afternoon. As it happened, he’d gone out as well, so her plan hadn’t even been necessary.
And now, as she sat with Nora in her sister’s drawing room, she wondered why she’d bothered at all. Last night had been amazing—never mind the damper he’d thrown on her euphoria at the end—and she ought not feel embarrassed around him.
Perhaps embarrassed wasn’t the right word. Her greatest fear was that if they were together, everyone would know what had transpired, as if the evidence of their sin would be written on their foreheads for the world to see.
Sin? Was that how she saw it? She’d listened to Matthias for far too long. He’d told her that sex was a necessary sin—provided they did it to beget a child. And when that didn’t happen, what was the point of it? She’d begun to think that it had all been a ruse to cover his own shame.
After Bran had left her, she’d lain awake for some time thinking of what had transpired. He’d completely rewritten everything she knew about intimacy and sex—about herself. She wasn’t less than a woman, and sexual acts weren’t horrible. They were, with the right person, quite spectacular.
“You keep doing that,” Nora said, eyeing her carefully.
“What?”
“Smiling to yourself. Is there something I should know?”
Written on her forehead, indeed. Jo leaned forward and plucked a biscuit from the tray. “No.” She took a large bite to prevent herself from saying anything further. A part of her wanted to tell Nora what had happened. They’d always shared things. In fact, the only things Jo hadn’t told her had been to do with Matthias and their marriage. And it wasn’t that she’d been keeping secrets. No, she’d been struggling to survive the guilt and shame of it all.
Nora’s eyes narrowed in that older-sister way that seemed to peel away a younger sibling’s artifice. “You used to tell me things. I fear the closeness we once shared is a thing of the past.”
Oh, she was good. Jo swallowed too quickly and coughed.
Nora’s gaze shaded with concern. “Are you all right?”
Jo took a sip of lukewarm tea and nodded. “Yes. I’m fine. I’m better than fine, actually. I don’t know that I’ve been this fine in quite some time.”
Nora’s eyes widened. “Is that so?”
Jo glanced around the room but knew they were alone. “Something happened with Br—Lord Knighton.”
“Were you about to call him by his Christian name?” Nora shook her head. “Never mind. I think I can perhaps guess. I always suspected that the two of you had sneaked off during the Harcourt ball, but every time I tried to broach the subject, you diverted the conversation.”
Jo shrugged. “I wasn’t ready to say anything.” She’d also thought it a one-time occurrence. Could the same be said of last night? He’d given her the impression that he’d like to do it again, and she had no intention of turning him away.
“I hope you won’t think this a terrible question, but is that why you went to become his governess, so the two of you could have an affair?”
She couldn’t be serious. Jo’s jaw dropped, but she quickly snapped it closed. “No.” At least not as far as she knew. Was it possible Bran had manipulated the situation to his advantage, that he’d hired her in order to seduce her?
That was absurd. Evie had practically begged for her to be hired. But if that had only served Bran’s desires, so much the better. Jo felt a bit queasy.
“That was a terrible question to ask,” Nora said.
“Yes, it was,” Jo responded quietly. She folded her hands in her lap. “After the marriage I endured, I think I deserve a smattering of happiness.”
Nora stood up from her chair and joined Jo on the settee, sitting close beside her. She smiled encouragingly. “Of course you do. I wish you’d tell me what happened with Matthias. I sense you were far more miserable than you’ve ever let on, and I feel terrible about it.”
You should, a tiny voice at the back of Jo’s mind said. She hushed that voice. And then she braced herself to finally tell her sister the truth—or at least a portion of it.
“I lay with Bran last night because he’s unbearably attractive, and he makes me feel like a desirable woman. Matthias never made me feel like that. He made it clear he disliked sex because I wasn’t very good at it, that I was utterly lacking.”