The Duke of Defiance (The Untouchables #5)(31)
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Jo said, thinking that if she were to miraculously become pregnant and then lose the child, she might very well not recover. And yet it was always a possibility.
“I’ve convinced myself over the years that it was for the best—for everyone. The life she would’ve had to endure as a bastard with a mother in a workhouse…” Her voice broke, and she looked away. “My apologies. I cry at the slightest provocation these days.” She let out a tremulous laugh as she pressed her fingertips to the corners of her eyes.
“But you didn’t stay in the workhouse,” Jo said, stating the obvious but hoping that Ivy might tell her what had happened. Hers seemed an example of a complete change of fortune.
Ivy shook her head. “I moved to another one after that and found a benefactress who recognized that I had education and poise. She helped me to find work as a companion. I changed my name and left that life behind.”
Jo blinked, pondering how marvelous that must have been in her circumstance. “And you enjoyed being a companion?”
“I did, very much. I would still be happily working for Lady Dunn if not for West.” Her lips curved up. “I did try to dissuade him, but he was most persistent.”
Jo still wanted more information so she decided to speak candidly and hope that her sister wouldn’t comment. “I’ve been considering employment—as a companion or a governess.”
Ivy pivoted toward her. “Indeed? The most important thing is finding the right employer. I was fortunate to work for women who were generous enough to allow me time to devote to my personal interests. They treated me as a person, not a servant. After my experience and the kindness of my benefactress, I felt it was my duty to dedicate my energy to supporting workhouses where I could. My employers supported those endeavors.”
“You were quite fortunate. However did you manage that?”
“It wasn’t easy, and I did turn down several offers of employment.” She exhaled, her spine straightening. “I’d decided that I was going to live my life as I chose.”
That was a luxury Jo actually possessed. She didn’t have to take employment, so she could be selective.
“It’s too bad that Lady Dunn isn’t still looking for a companion. I think she’s quite happy with Sarah. I believe she has a friend who is looking. If you’d like me to inquire, I’d be happy to do so.”
“I keep trying to encourage Jo to marry again,” Nora said, offering Jo a nervous smile, as if she knew she was being an annoying older sister. “I know she’d like to have a family of her own.”
“Well, marriage isn’t for everyone,” Ivy said, and Jo suppressed the urge to give her sister a childish smirk. “I never planned to marry, and I daresay West is one in a million. He had to be to win me over.” Ivy winked at Jo.
Nora picked up her teacup. “Who’s to say Jo won’t find her own West or Titus?” She peered at Jo over the rim of her cup as she took a sip.
“Who’s to say I won’t find an employment situation like Ivy had?” Jo asked with a touch of irritation. “Anyway, I tried marriage, and I didn’t care for it.”
Ivy gave her a knowing glance. “I’m sorry to hear it. It’s difficult not to cast all men in the vein of our first experiences. The father of my first child promised to marry me and didn’t. You can perhaps deduce why I’d sworn never to trust another man.”
Easily. Jo knew that not all men were like Matthias. In fact, most of them weren’t. But how could she know she wouldn’t get one of the few who were? Or who were potentially even worse.
“Yet you did,” Nora said. “What made you change your mind?”
Jo couldn’t tell if Nora genuinely wanted to know or if she was trying to demonstrate a point to Jo. It had to be the former, of course, but if it achieved the latter, Nora wouldn’t quibble.
“It really was just West.” Ivy’s smile was soft and secretive. “He insisted I was missing something, and that if I had the courage to try, I just might find it. He was right. I never imagined I’d find happiness like this. I’d resolved that it was for other people, and it was up to me to create my own contentment, which I did being a companion.” She looked at Jo. “As I said, I’d be happy in that role still if that’s where I was today.”
But she’d been tempted with something more. Jo thought of Knighton’s proposal. That hadn’t been tempting. It had been frightening. And heart wrenching. But even if she could bear children, she didn’t know him well enough to accept his proposal.
She doubted very much he was anything like Matthias, but how could she know that, really? Until she stepped into his bedroom, she couldn’t. The thought of opening herself up to another man in that way… She wasn’t sure she could do it. Kissing Knighton the other night had been a grievous mistake.
Ivy departed a short while later, and Nora moved to sit beside Jo on the settee. “I’m sorry for meddling.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m just not sure you’ll be happy as a companion or a governess. But, that’s not my decision to make. I hope you know you’ll always have a home here.”
The irritation Jo had felt earlier was replaced with regret. When Nora had needed a home, Jo hadn’t been able to give her one. “That means so much to me. Especially since I didn’t do the same for you.”