The Breakdown(40)

‘Forty-four,’ I say, quietly. I can’t look at Matthew.

From then on, things go from bad to worse. My face burns even more when I realise that Matthew hasn’t been fooled by any of my efforts at subterfuge and that he’s always been far more aware of what’s been going on than I gave him credit for. As the number of incidents Dr Deakin adds to his list increases, all I want is to leave before any more damage is done.

But he and Matthew haven’t finished yet. There’s still the murder to talk about and although both of them agree that it’s normal it has upset me, given that I’d met Jane, and that I’m right to be worried, given that it happened close to where we live, when Matthew explains that I think the murderer might have been phoning me, I fully expect Dr Deakin to call for the men in white coats.

‘Can you tell me about the calls?’ Dr Deakin looks at me encouragingly so I have no choice but to tell him even though I know he’ll diagnose me with paranoia, especially as I can’t tell him why I thought they were coming from murderer.





148


b a paris


By the time we leave the surgery an hour later I feel so wretched that I refuse to take Matthew’s hand as we walk to the car park. In the car, I turn my head away from him and stare out of the window, trying not to give in to tears of hurt and humiliation. Maybe he senses that I’m at breaking point because he doesn’t say anything, and when he stops outside the chemist to get the medication Dr Deakin prescribed for me I stay in the car, leaving him to deal with it. We travel the rest of the way home in silence and when we arrive I get out of the car before he’s even had a chance to turn the engine off.

‘Sweetheart, don’t be like this,’ he pleads, following me into the kitchen.

‘What do you expect?’ I turn angrily to him. ‘I can’t believe you talked to Dr Deakin about me behind my back. Where’s your sense of loyalty?’

He flinches. ‘It’s where it’s always been, where it always will be, right by your side.’

‘Then why did you have to mention every little thing I’ve ever forgotten?’

‘Dr Deakin asked for examples of what’s been

happening and I wasn’t going to lie to him. I’ve been worried about you, Cass.’

‘So why didn’t you tell me instead of making excuses for me and pretending everything was all right? And why did you have to mention that I told the woman in the baby shop that I was pregnant? What has that got to do with the problems I’ve been having with my memory?

The Breakdown





149


Nothing, nothing at all. Now you’ve made me seem like


a fantasist on top of everything else! I explained it to you, I explained that the assistant misunderstood when I told her the sleep-suit was for me and that by the time I realised she thought I was pregnant it was easier to go along with it. Why you chose to tell Dr Deakin about it is beyond me.’

He sits down at the kitchen table and puts his head in his hands. ‘You ordered a pram, Cass.’

‘I didn’t order a pram!’

‘You didn’t order an alarm either.’

I grab the kettle angrily, banging it against the tap as I fill it. ‘Weren’t you the one who said I must have been tricked into ordering it?’

‘Look, all I want is for you to get the help you need.’

There’s a pause. ‘I didn’t realise your mum was diagnosed with dementia when she was forty-four.’

‘Dementia isn’t usually hereditary,’ I say sharply. ‘Dr Deakin said so.’

‘I know, but it would be stupid to carry on pretending that you don’t have a problem of some sort.’

‘What, that I’m not amnesic, deluded and paranoid?’

‘Don’t.’

‘Well, I’m not going to take whatever it is that he prescribed for me.’

He raises his head and looks at me. ‘It’s only something for stress. But don’t take it if you think you can cope without it.’ He gives a hollow laugh. ‘Maybe I’ll take it instead.’





150


b a paris


Something in his voice brings me up short and when I see how strained he looks I feel terrible for never having put myself in his place, for never having thought what it must be like for him to see me going to pieces. I go over and crouch next to his chair, putting my arms around him.

‘I’m sorry.’

He kisses the top of my head. ‘It’s not your fault.’

‘I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish; I can’t believe that I’ve never thought what it must be like for you to have to put up with me.’

‘Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. Maybe you just need to take things easy for a while.’ Taking my arms from around him, he looks at his watch. ‘Let’s start now. While I’m here, I’m not going to let you do a thing, so why don’t you sit down at the table while I rustle up some lunch.’

‘All right,’ I say gratefully.

I sit down at the table and watch him take the makings of a salad from the fridge. I feel so tired, I could sleep here, right now. Although it had been humiliating to have my catalogue of errors spread out before me, I’m retrospectively glad that I’ve seen Dr Deakin, especially as all he thinks I’m suffering from is stress.