The Billionaire's Touch (The Sinclairs #3)(68)
No, I don’t think I have. I’m not certain I’ve ever wanted anything badly enough that it required doing something stupid. Was it illegal?
She shot the reply into cyberspace, hoping he was going to explain. Not expecting a reply while he was in the air, she was surprised to see an answer come back in a matter of minutes.
M.,
It wasn’t illegal, but it should be. I hurt you, and that is unacceptable to me. You’re the last person on earth I’d want to hurt, but I did because I was stupid. I’m so sorry, Randi.
Tears started to flow down her cheeks as she saw his apology. Breaking all pretense, she wrote back.
Evan,
Why didn’t you tell me? I have to know.
She assumed the S was short for Sinclair. He’d used a businesslike initial just like she did when she’d first started writing to him, using the first initial of her real name. They were beyond that now, and she wasn’t going to hide behind an initial that she rarely used.
Her heated conversation with Evan the night before flowed through her memories, especially the part about the possibility that deep down inside she’d always known that S. might be Evan. Although she’d never acknowledged it, or even really thought about the possibility consciously, maybe there was a part of her that wished they could be the same man. Maybe that was one of the biggest reasons she hadn’t wanted to meet him in person—because she suspected she’d never feel the same chemistry for another man that she felt with Evan. If she’d met S. and the chemistry wasn’t there, she’d lose a friend who had come to mean a lot to her.
Evan had mentioned that he wasn’t all that surprised when he realized she was M. Was she really all that surprised now that Evan was really her mystery man? She’d always been drawn to both of them in different ways, yet the connection was similar. Now that she put them together, it was hard not to realize that they were the same person. They’d had time to get to know each other through emails, but the connection was strong for two people who had never met face-to-face. Her physical connection with Evan in person had been immediate and intense. Both of them were powerful bonds like she’d never experienced before. So was it really so surreal that they were one and the same man? Probably . . . not.
Did I secretly always hope that S. was really Evan? Is that why I never wanted to meet him? Did I want to keep the fantasy alive that I’d be just as attracted to him in person as I was via email?
Now, she could answer with certainty that she did want them to be the same man. It was highly possible that she’d always wanted that, but had been afraid of disappointment when she discovered they weren’t.
It took a few minutes, but Evan finally answered.
Randi,
I could easily say that I don’t know why I did it, or that I just hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet, but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is that I was afraid of losing you. What if you didn’t want me to be your mystery friend? What if he was more important than our physical relationship? I was trying to figure out how I’d deal with that, but I couldn’t. I guess I was a coward, and I was trying to find out how you felt about me by continuing to be S. for a while. It never occurred to me that it might hurt you. I was going to tell you before we went to the ball, but when you said you couldn’t love a man like me in your email, it nearly destroyed me. I guess I felt like there was no point in confessing after that.
Her tears flowed faster as she read the response again through blurred vision. If it had been any other man except Evan, she might hesitate before she believed what he was saying. But this was Evan, and he was special. His brain was wired a little differently, and his experience with true relationships was almost nonexistent. She believed him.
She typed back.
Evan,
Why does it matter to you what I said? We’ve always both known that our relationship couldn’t go anywhere. I have a life here, and you’re constantly traveling. I never meant to fall in love with you. It just happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you, but I couldn’t hold it inside me anymore. But I didn’t expect the words to matter, and I didn’t expect anything for saying them. I’ve just learned that life is too short not to tell somebody you love them if you really do.
Randi sighed as she sent the message, her hands still shaking from the knowledge that her feelings had been that important to a man like Evan.
He wrote back quickly.
Randi,
Maybe I’ve never had a woman who made me want to stay in the same place before. Perhaps I’ve been chasing goals that I’ve already achieved. I wanted to be better than my father, and it’s been my priority for years. I guess when you meet the right woman, your priorities change completely. I challenged you to make me happy. You do. You’re the only person who can. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. If I’m with you, I’m a happy man.
She read the message quickly, realizing that he was saying he wanted more. Although she wanted the same thing desperately, it just wasn’t possible. She started to sob as she typed back a quick reply.
Evan,
Being together permanently isn’t practical. I’m a prostitute’s daughter, Evan. I was a street kid. You’re a very powerful man, and people would love to get that kind of gossip to make your life miserable. I can’t do that to you, no matter how much I care.