The Absence of Olivia(20)

“Hello, Ms. Reynolds,” she said, folding her hands in front of her.

“Please, call me Evelyn.”

“What can I do for you?”

“I was just taking Jaxy home and he told me he was having some trouble in class today. Something about a purple tiger and a picture he drew. He said you told him I wasn’t a part of his family.” I used my fingers to make air quotes around the word, trying to emphasize the ridiculousness of her assertion. She opened her mouth to speak, but I was amped up on adrenaline and not willing to let her stop my rant. “I know you’re aware of the tragedy his family has been through this year, but what you might not know is that I have been in that boy’s life since before he was even conceived. I held his mother’s hand when she took the pregnancy test. I was in the room when he was born. I was the very first person his mother trusted to babysit him when he was just three weeks old. I have loved that child every single day of his life.” I paused, trying to take in a breath, but it shuddered on the way in, and I felt tears threatening.

“Evelyn, please, let’s sit down.” She motioned toward the tiny chairs built for four-year-olds.

“No!” I hadn’t meant to yell, but I could feel the emotions flowing through me like lava; slow and smoldering, getting hotter and hotter as more anger piled up on top of itself. “Jax lost his mother. His only mother. She was my best friend and I promised her I would take care of him and his sister.” I took one more step toward her desk, which she was still standing behind, drawing my hand up, my index finger pointing at her. “Who the hell do you think you are telling him I’m not a part of his family? You don’t get to make those decisions. You don’t get to tell him things like that. Luckily, he’s a smart boy and he knew you were full of it, but the fact remains that you had no right. You had no right to tell him that.”

“I never meant to imply-”

“No, I’m sure you didn’t, but maybe next time you open your mouth, you’ll think about everything he’s lost. He lost a lifetime of love. He lost his mother. Don’t try to take more love from him. As far as I’m concerned, he could use all the love he can get. I can give him so much love. Don’t ever try to tell him I’m not a part of his family.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Her tone, contrite and remorseful, caught me off guard. Then she was silent, obviously waiting for more verbal abuse from me. I was suddenly exceedingly tired.

“Okay then,” I sighed, my fingers coming up to rub my forehead. “I didn’t mean to be such a bitch.” I cringed at my own words. I was in a preschool classroom, swearing at Jax’s teacher.

“No apologies needed. Really. Jax is lucky to have you.”

“Okay. One more thing?”

“Hmm?”’

“Please don’t tell him tigers can’t be purple. He’s four. Let him believe in purple tigers for a little while. It won’t hurt anyone.”

She gave me a sad yet friendly smile, and then nodded in agreement.

“Okay, I’m going to go.”

“Have a good rest of your day.” Her voice sounded full of pity and concern.

“You too.”

I turned and walked out of the classroom to find Jax right where I had left him. He looked sad and bewildered.

“Hey, buddy,” I said kneeling down to his level again. “I’m sorry if you heard me yelling. I didn’t mean to. I shouldn’t have. Yelling doesn’t solve anything.” I felt terrible; obviously, I was the worst role model ever.

“You really love me that much?” His small voice soaked into the tiny cracks of my heart, like water flooding an engine, and my heart just stopped. My hand came up to caress the side of his round, little face.

“Sweetie, I love you more than I could ever put into words.”

“More than my mommy loved me?”

“No, Jax,” I said with tears welling in my eyes. “No one will ever love you as much as your mommy loves you. But I still love you more than you could ever imagine.”

“I miss her sometimes.”

“I know, baby.”

“But I like that you’re around. You help with stuff that only mommies know.”

My heart started sputtering back to life, aching like it might explode. I wasn’t a mommy, but somehow, I’d picked up on some secret mommy things. Perhaps I had a maternal bone in my body after all. “I like being around. And I’ll be around until you tell me to go away, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, sniffling and wiping a tear away that had escaped down his cheek.

“Your sister won’t be home for a few hours. Should we go get super-secret ice cream cones?” My voice was full of forced excitement, trying to convince this little boy that an ice cream cone was a sufficient replacement for the love of his mother, at least temporarily.

“Really? I haven’t had lunch yet.”

“Listen, sometimes life calls for super-secret ice cream cones for lunch.”

“Can I get swirl?”

“Sweetie, you can get whatever kind of ice cream you want.”

“Cool!” he said, all previous sadness erased from his gorgeous face.

“Very cool. Let’s go.” Before I could take even two steps, his little hand found its way into mine and my heart nearly stopped again.