The Absence of Olivia(12)
“How’s Devon doing?” she asked as she slipped a hooded sweatshirt over her head, covering up the sweeping lace dress she’d worn for the shoot.
I shrugged. “I guess he’s doing fine. Although, we don’t really talk about Liv often. I’m usually only there to get the kids ready for school and then in the evenings until he comes home.”
“And the kids?”
“Better every day,” I said with a small smile. “They miss her, obviously. Some days are harder than others, but the sadness is lessening, and they’re having more good days than bad, I think. I hope.”
“And how are you?” This question was asked with even more gentleness than the others, her voice soft and full of genuine concern.
I sighed, zipped up my camera bag, and then looked at her. “I’m all right, I think.”
“That was the least convincing of all your answers,” Shelby said, cocking her hip out to one side, resting her hand on it, waiting for me to elaborate.
“I don’t know. I’ve been so focused on keeping her family together, I haven’t really been able to mourn her.” I shook my head at myself, feeling guilty for even uttering the words. “As soon as she passed, I immediately wanted to help her family, like she asked me to. But it almost feels like I’m stepping in for her while she’s away on business or something. Especially, with Devon.” I paused, trying to put my thoughts together. “Every day he expects me to be there and I am, and I don’t mind. But he hasn’t fully tried to live life without her, because I’m always there, pretending right along with him, that everything is fine. That this is all normal.”
“Have you talked to him about it? Explained how you feel?”
My hands fell limp at my sides, tears threatening. “I couldn’t say that to him. He just lost his wife. He doesn’t need her emotional friend making things harder for him.”
“You’re not just her emotional friend,” she said, using her fingers to make quotation marks in the air. “You were her best friend, Evelyn. You’re those kids’ honorary auntie. You’re a part of their family.”
Trying desperately not to let my voice crack, feeling the pinch of sobs in the back of my throat, I responded, “My link to that family died. I’ve got no claim on them anymore.” From day to day, the worst part of losing Liv changed. At first, I was sad because I’d lost my best friend. Then I was sad because she was so young and the tragedy was too much to handle. Then I’d think about her children and how devastating it was that they’d lost the chance to be raised by their mother, the one person in the world who loved them the most. But today, the saddest part of losing my best friend was that, with losing her, I lost her family too; lost my link to them, my connection. My head dropped into my hands as I tried to fight off the cries wanting to rip free from me.
“Evelyn.” Her voice was soft and full of worry. I didn’t want her pity. I hadn’t lost a mother or a wife. The sadness I felt was almost as bad as the guilt it caused. “It’s okay for you to mourn her, to feel the loss. You lost her too.” I felt her hand come to my shoulder and I tried not to shy away from it, knew she was just trying to comfort me.
“It’s just hard,” I said with finality, even though the hardness – the wake in my world caused by the disruption of her death – was never final. It felt like it would last forever. I would be feeling her loss forever.
When the pinching in my throat had lessened and my breathing was under control again, I moved to continue packing up my gear. I kept my gaze from Shelby, but sensed she’d moved away to pack as well. Minutes later, after everything was picked up, I raised my head to see Shelby loading up her car. I walked hesitantly toward her, biting my lower lip, not wanting to have another breakdown in front of her.
“Hey,” I said as I approached. She turned to me as she pulled the trunk of her car closed.
“Hey.” She smiled and it was friendly. It shouldn’t surprise me, we were friends, but it did.
“Thanks for listening and trying to help.”
“Anytime.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll call you when I’ve got the proofs,” I said, motioning to my camera.
“Sounds good, but Evelyn, you can call me anytime, for any reason.”
“I’ll remember that. And thank you.” We both smiled at each other, and then I turned toward my car, glad the exchange was over and I’d made it out without shedding any more tears. Once I was seated behind the steering wheel, I reached into the center console to get my phone. I tried never to keep it on me during a shoot because it was distracting. I noticed I had a text from Devon.
**I’ve been called into a last minute dinner meeting. Is there any way you can pick Jax up from school and stay with the kids until I get home? I’m really sorry, Evie.**
I sighed. I hated this conflict; wanting to be supportive, to help him in any way I could, but knowing my help was enabling him, making it impossible for him to heal entirely.
**Sure. I’ll be there when Ruby gets off the bus then pick Jaxy up from school.**
It wasn’t even ten seconds before I got a reply.
**You’re the best.**
I couldn’t find a response to that, besides my mind yelling loudly that I wasn’t the best. Not even close. The best for him and his children had died, leaving me to pick up the pieces.