Teach Me Dirty(27)

I felt him swallow, and then I felt his arms as they wrapped around me. He squeezed me, and it was warm, and safe, and I breathed him in, his lovely smell. “I could never hate you, Helen. I would never hate you.”

He pushed me away by my shoulders, and sighed as he saw my watery eyes. I tried to turn from him but he wouldn’t let me, his fingers gripped my chin, and then he brushed my tears away with his thumb.

“Please don’t cry.”

“But I wanted it, I really wanted it…”

He pressed his lips to my forehead and smoothed my hair, but it wasn’t like earlier. “You should go inside now, Helen.”

“We can still be friends? Please say we can still be friends…”

“We’re still friends, Helen, nothing’s changed.”

I wished I believed him. With a breath I opened the door and forced myself outside.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.

I felt him watch me while I walked away. I hovered at the bottom of my garden, wishing he’d come after me, just to say something, anything. But he didn’t.

I heard the car rumble away, and I took long breaths, trying to steady my jelly legs before I made my way inside.

It took a long, long time.

***

Mark



Stupid, reckless, selfish, irresponsible bloody idiot.

I was disgusted with myself, and I wasn’t sure which was worse. Taking advantage of a young girl in my car, or watching her cry because of it.

I took out a cigarette as I cleared the road from hers, and there were only a couple left in the packet. I took a detour to the supermarket, keeping my head down as I grabbed another load from the kiosk. I had a feeling I’d need them.

I was almost back out through the door before I heard footsteps behind me. I flinched as a hand landed on my arm, nerves shot to hell.

“Mark! What a perfect coincidence! I’ve been meaning to catch up with you.” Jenny Monkton’s freckled face smiled up at me, and my guilty conscience made my heart thump. She blew a spiral of red hair from her eyes. “I rarely see you in the staffroom these days, I thought you’d disappeared from the face of the earth.”

Jenny’s drama room was at the opposite end of the complex, far enough away that we rarely crossed paths around school. That was partly it, anyway. The truth is that she’d asked me out for a drink in the year after Anna’s death, and I’d had neither the peace of mind nor the inclination to take her up on it. Things had never quite been the same between us since then.

“I’ve been busy,” I said. “So much marking, so little time.”

“Tell me about it.” She rearranged her shopping bags between her hands. “We had year seven’s drama evening tonight, just needed a few bits on the way home. It went well. Parents loved it. Shame you couldn’t make it, I’m sure the invite went out to everyone… maybe you didn’t get it…”

I looked at her bags. It was more than a few bits. “Are you walking?”

She nodded. “I should probably have considered that before getting carried away with the special offers.”

I held up my keys, capable of being a gentleman at least once this evening. “I’ll give you a lift.”



My stomach churned as she slid into the passenger seat, paranoid she’d smell Helen Palmer and our guilty tryst, but she smiled oblivious.

“I’ve been meaning to catch up with you,” she said again. “About the sixth form winter ball…”

“The sixth form ball?”

“Dan Freedman can’t supervise this year, the year nine history trip is on the same day.” I felt her eyes on me. “I was wondering if you’d be able to stand in.”

“At the ball? I’m not sure… I’m quite…”

“It’s only for a few hours,” she interrupted. “I’ll be there, and Janet Kingsley. It won’t just be a load of crazy teenagers.” She laughed. “Don’t look so worried, I’ll look after you.”

“I’m not sure I can make it.” I turned onto her estate, and as I did so I caught sight of her expression. More disappointment. I couldn’t stand the extra guilt. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” She pointed to her house and I pulled into her driveway. “This is me. Thanks for the lift. Let me at least make you a coffee, for the trouble.”

“It was no trouble.” I gestured to the back of the car, hoping she didn’t follow my gesture to the pile of sketchbooks that weren’t actually there. “Marking isn’t going to do itself, unfortunately.”

She smiled sadly. “Another time, then.”

She picked up her shopping from the footwell and I thought I’d escaped without committing to ball duties, but no such luck.

“We’re meeting Friday, to finalise the venue details, in the staffroom, it won’t take long. Can you make it?”

“What time?”

“Straight after school. Head up when you can.” She opened the car door and stepped outside before I could argue. “I’ll see you there.”

And my fate was sealed. Chaperoning a bunch of rowdy sixth formers as they partied the evening away. They’d be blind drunk, at least some of them. It happened every year, I’d heard enough of the stories to know. It really wasn’t my scene, I normally steered well clear of school social events.