Taking Turns (Turning #1)(66)

“I’ll probably tell them. Eventually. If they ask. They have a right to know.”

She hesitates. Her secret is on the tip of her tongue, but she bites it back when she hears my answer.

“Let me ask you this,” I say. “Do you want to lose this game?”

“I can’t even answer that. What does winning mean?”

“Well, I’ll tell you what losing means. It means we kick you out of this apartment, you go back home, and we never talk to you again.”

“But if that’s losing, then everyone who came before me… lost.”

“We all lose when we have to start over.”

“So you want this to be permanent?” She scrunches up her face. “No,” she says, answering her own question. “You don’t. You know everyone loses eventually. You just want to play the game while you can. You’re addicted to the game.”

I walk into the kitchen and refill my cup of coffee. “If we lose, Chella, do you think you’d find another trio of men to share?”

She says nothing while I add some sugar to my coffee, stir it, and then walk back out into the living room.

“Do you think Rochelle has found three new men?” I ask. I dread the answer, but I need to know. “That she just got tired of us and decided to start over?”

Chella shakes her head. “No, I don’t think that, Quin. I think she loved you. And when we lose, because that’s the only way for this to end, I won’t either. I’ll pretend it never happened.”

I sit down on the couch next to her. She leans into me, resting her head on my shoulder.

“It’s sad, huh? That we all know how it ends and yet we’ll pretend it’s working for as long as possible.”

“Yeah,” she agrees.

“You can get out now, you know. You can just walk out and stop playing. But you’ll wonder for the rest of your life if maybe, just maybe, this was the one time that beats the odds. You’ll wonder if Smith loved you, just like I wonder if Rochelle loved me.”

She thinks about that for a little while, concentrating on the snow outside. Then she says, “I invited him to join Bric and me.”

“Good,” I say. “That’s a good start.”

“What happens after that? After I get used to Smith being with me and Bric?”

“What do you think happens?”

“Then I invite you in too.”

I lean over and kiss her head. “I hope we get that far, I really do. Because it’s pretty fantastic, if you ask me. And this time I get to experience it as one of the uninvolved parties. It’s a lot simpler that way.”

“Were you jealous when you had to watch Bric with Rochelle?”

“Always. But once we got past that part, and it was the four of us together, that jealousy went away.”

“So how the hell did you end up in such a great relationship with Rochelle if you always had to have Bric around? I don’t know much about what was going on with you four before I came, but I do know you slept with me that first night thinking it was her. And if you were Number One, then that was against the rules. How did you work around the rules? The cameras?”

“No. I never had cameras in Rochelle’s apartment. That’s something unique to Smith. So we didn’t work around it. I just decided to break the f*cking rules.”

“Bric didn’t mind? Why not? If the rules are so important?”

“We just stopped caring, I guess. It was three years, Chella. No one gave a f*ck about the rules after a while.”

“See,” she whispers, “that’s the part that terrifies me most. That you’ll stop caring. I kinda like the rules. Smith says they protect me and I believe him.”

“They do protect you. They protect all of us. That’s why we have them. We need this very structured time with very clear boundaries to get to know you better. And for you to get to know us. If we have a chance to be friends first—to learn to trust each other, confide in each other—then the relationship might last for a long time.”

“But not forever.”

“No,” I say. “Nothing lasts forever. Not even the thrill of taboo lust.”

“Will you really never go looking for her?”

“I hope not.”

“Why?”

I’m the one who stares out the window this time. I’m the one pondering life as she waits for my answer. “Because if I do, then what we have here—in this apartment, in this Club, in this arrangement—will definitely be over for me. If I ever find her again, Chella, I’m leaving for good. She’s the love of my life and maybe she doesn’t feel the same way, but I won’t know unless I try.”

“So go look for her now.”

I shake my head no. “She left for a reason and I won’t go searching until I figure that out.”

“Maybe she’s just playing hard to get? Maybe she wants you to chase her to prove your love?” Chella is grabbing on to my upper arm now, holding me tight. When she looks up at me, she smiles. “Girls have been known to do stupid shit like that.”

I grin back, because she’s right. Fucking girls. But that’s not what I think. “I think Smith said something to her.”

Chella sits up straight, still holding my arm. “Like what?”