Tabula Rasa(67)

Finally, it was done. Shannon felt my skin and shined the flashlight in my eyes. He hurried me along to get me moving to get me engaged with the physicality of the world, as if I might float away otherwise.

We got cleaned up and changed clothes. He made sure nothing was left behind, no evidence, no hair, no fibers, nothing incriminating. Though I wasn’t in any database anywhere, and I was sure Shannon was fully off the DNA grid as well.

I got into his car, and we drove. As lights blurred past my window, I fantasized that Trevor’s world in the theme park had been the real one, that that simple, yet terrifying, life had been true. A part of me wanted that world back—the post-apocalyptic wasteland that at least left me virtuous and untainted by my memories or the future actions I’d take.

Shannon patted my knee. “Don’t worry. Things don’t always go as expected on jobs, but we won’t be caught. There’s no reason to worry.” He looked electric, alive, pulsing with energy as if he’d just gotten off a roller coaster. His cheeks were flushed, and his lips kept inching up in a smile.

“I could go for some pizza, how about you?” he asked. “I always get pizza after.”

I just stared at him in horror. This was what I’d tied myself to. This was who I had somehow started to love, who I wanted, who I felt safe with. This monster who was happy and excited and ready for some celebratory pizza. And yet, at every turn and bend, I’d chosen him. I no longer had the will to choose differently.

I couldn’t stop silent tears from sliding down my cheeks. Shannon finally realized I was crying when we stopped at a red light.

“What’s wrong?”

He really didn’t know? He really couldn’t comprehend?

“I just killed someone.” Never mind that he had. I’d never expected him to cry over it. But I at least expected him to understand on some basic level why I might, particularly since my victim was an innocent. The sick idea slid into me that she could have been the professor’s victim, too. And I’d killed her. To protect Shannon? To protect myself?

There wasn’t a flicker of anything human in him. Nothing registered with him. He didn’t get it. How could I ever be safe with him if he didn’t get it?

I managed to collect myself by the time we got to a small pizza parlor a couple of towns over. We sat in a booth in a back corner where patrons were smoking, even though I was sure it was against the law. They didn’t care, and nobody else seemed to, either.

“You’re glad he’s gone, right?” Shannon asked after our pizza and drinks arrived. “I couldn’t let him...” he trailed off, remembering we were in semi-public, and maybe not as completely anonymous as we’d like to be.

“Yeah,” I said. “I just... I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel or for... what happened.” I had to speak in code, too, now. Even in my darkest fantasies, where I was more active in Stevens’ murder, I couldn’t have anticipated an unexpected visitor. An innocent bystander. The way I had made metal rip through flesh, and blood and life spill out in such sweeping finality.

I closed my eyes against the images that came unbidden, filling in some of the gaps, leaving no doubt that it had been me doing that awful thing. In a twisted way, I almost wished Shannon had gone after her and left me to deal with Stevens. Maybe I could have reached the gun and ended him quickly. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a shadow about to be destroyed by the light.

“Shannon?”

“Yeah?” he said between bites of a fully loaded pizza.

“Don’t you feel...” I trailed off, wishing we were having this non-conversation in the car, but also knowing that possible witnesses in nearby booths were the only thing forcing me to keep it together.

He looked at me blankly. “What should I feel?”

And there was my answer. I knew I would be haunted by this for the rest of my life, and tomorrow Shannon would get up, have a hearty breakfast, breathe in the crisp air, and just go on, not a single ruffle against his soul. I envied him that.

“Hey, do you want to go to Paris? It’ll be spring soon. I’ve heard Paris is nice in the spring. You could see some of your friends,” he said.

I had never before seen him this happy and animated. This peaceful—like all the pieces inside him suddenly fit together right.

“What about my plants?” Once again, my mind wandered to the fate of all of the professor’s plants. And now I was worried about leaving my own for an extended time.

“We’ll be gone a couple of weeks maybe.”

“Yeah, Paris sounds great.” But my voice was flat. I didn’t even bother asking how we’d accomplish that. He’d figure out fake IDs and passports or whatever we needed. I was sure he knew a guy, and all would be taken care of as if by the wave of a wand.

“Good. We’ll make a quick stop at the house when we get back and check on the cat and your plants. We’ll get in late—well after all the nosy neighbors are asleep. We can let them believe we’re still in Thailand.”

I wondered if he’d planned this all along, to get me somewhere off far away for a week or two to distract me from what I’d participated in.

When we stopped for the night, it wasn’t a run-down motel. It was some place much nicer. It was the kind of hotel you take someone you love, though by this point I was sure, if Shannon didn’t understand regret, he could never understand love.