Surrender (Careless Whispers #3)(23)

Those words punch me in the chest. “I know you walk lines,” I say. “I know you beyond any of those things. I know—”

Finally, he turns his head toward me, his eyes sharp, cold, when they’d been hot enough to scorch me only minutes before. “You choose who you are now and later, just like we choose what we are together. I was going to push you to choose me, like I choose you. That was wrong of me. Selfish, even. Why would you want this, why would I want this for you, when maybe, just maybe, you’ll find yourself again, and you’ll have a shot at a normal life complete with two kids and a dog and a big backyard?” He stands up.

“That is not where I was going with this,” I say, popping to my feet and stepping in front of him before he can leave. “That is not what I want. My father—”

“Ella,” he says, his hands coming down on my shoulders. “You were right and I was wrong. It’s not the right time for us. Maybe it’ll never be the right time. And right now, Adriel is expecting us in the store.” He sets me aside and my heart all but jumps out of my chest.

“Kayden, please wait,” I plead, whirling around to find him walking away, relieved when he stops, but discouraged when he doesn’t turn. Instead he says, “You aren’t going to Paris. Don’t bring it up to Adriel.” He is The Hawk with that command, and the instant it’s issued, he starts walking, his stride long, sure, unstoppable.

My throat thickens and suddenly I feel as if I’ve been shoved into a dark, muddy pond that is slowly consuming me, and I’ve just pushed away the only man who can save me. I am cold inside and out, the nearby fire doing nothing to warm me up, and I know that it’s adrenaline and emotions driving this sensation. How have we gone from marriage to this? But I know the answer instantly. Kayden is a fierce loner who let me inside the many layers of protection he’s wrapped around himself, and in turn, I’ve hurt him. I hurt him badly, and that hurts me. Could I have screwed this up any worse?

I press my hand to my face. I was just trying to protect him. I don’t want to leave him. I just don’t want to destroy him by staying. I don’t want to be selfish and hold on to someone I love to the point of destroying him, the way my father did my mother. My death or betrayal would impact Kayden fiercely, intensely, and hurt his entire operation. I don’t know how to get around that if we stay together.

But what really worries me, what I can’t live with, is the idea that he could end up dead. That he could become a target because of me, and end up the next one lying in a pool of blood. And that can’t happen. It won’t happen. That will be me, before him.

But right now, no matter how desperately I want to talk to Kayden and make things right, now is not the time. He’s waiting for me and if there was ever a time to show him that I stand by him in all things, it’s now, starting with the meeting with Adriel. I drop the sheet and waste no time putting on my clothes, mentally setting aside every emotion the past hour has stirred as I do. This meeting is with Adriel, and Adriel might be a friend to Kayden, but he is also a Hunter, and that makes him Underground business. This is not the time for personal matters to be aired.

I race for the door, having no intention of being late when Kayden questions him about when those pages in my journal disappeared, and it hits me and stops me dead in my tracks. I’m about to go tell Adriel his sister might be betraying him. I need to be sure I’m right. I need to look at the camera feed Kayden mentioned, which I should be able to access from the security room in our bedroom.

Decision made, I cut left and run up the double set of stone stairs, one straight and one cutting right, until I’m at the hallway above, the wide open archway leading to the living area in front of me, with our room to the left. Heading in that direction, the motion detector casts me in a dim, warm glow as I travel the walk down the long stone hallway, the ceiling towering above me. The eerie sensation of being watched that has become expected in this stretch of the walkway, which I’ve always played off as my resident ghosts, hits me. But tonight as I stop at our bedroom door, and turn the knob, I find myself pausing, struck by how similar this sensation is to the one in the entryway earlier.

My brow furrows, the possibility of an unknown camera crossing my mind, but I’ve seen every view Kayden has set up in our tower. Surely I haven’t missed one in this location—and even if I have, that alone wouldn’t make me feel watched when we’re the only ones who can see that feed. Unless . . . could our cameras be hacked? The entire premise I’ve invented is crazy, but it still has me opening the door and entering the bedroom, not about to alert anyone watching that I might be aware of their existence.

Once over the threshold, I dial the lights up to the brightest level, shut myself inside, and lean against the heavy wooden door. Despite the urgent timeline I’m on, and the fact that the entrance to this tower requires a password that only Kayden, Marabella, and I know, I find myself uneasily scanning the spacious room. My attention lands first on the giant bed we didn’t bother making this morning, my stomach knotting with the possibility that one day I might not be here to share it with him. Shaking off such thoughts, I force my attention to the fireplace on the wall opposite where I stand, then to the big-screen TV above the heavy dresser directly in front of the bed. Then, finally, to the bathroom door to the right that refuses to be dismissed.

Really, truly, I sense no danger, but that eerie sensation refuses to let me be anything but cautious, and I curse myself for leaving my gun downstairs. Nevertheless, I’m capable of protecting myself and I walk to the bathroom, the lights coming on as I touch one of the shiny white tiles, to find it empty. Completing my search, I dash down the white tiled path between the giant oval tub to the row of cabinets with double sinks to my right and flip on the light to the closet. No one is there but me, of course, but for just a few moments I pause in the doorway, my gaze catching on the rows of Kayden’s clothes on the right side, and then the small row of clothes to the left, which are mine and a part of a new beginning. You choose who you are now and later, Kayden had said, just like we choose what we are together. Words I’d like to live by, but are they really true? Can I reject any reality the past tries to force upon me and us?