Since She Went Away(88)

“I guess so.” He continued to rub his chin. His face grew more somber. “When I suspected it was happening again, this last time, I didn’t know what to do. I saw our lives just unraveling. It was like tugging on a loose thread and then everything coming apart. I had to stop it. Or try to contain it at least.”

“So you spied on your wife.”

“I’m not proud of it.” His face turned more serious. He wore a look of wincing, searing pain. “I have to live with this, Jenna. No matter what happened to Celia, I have to live with the fact that I may very well have put her in grave danger. It keeps me up at night just thinking about it. I feel sick. Physically sick. And sick of myself.” He let out a long, slow breath. “I have to live with that the rest of my life. I just want you to understand it. I wasn’t making some rash, heartless decision.”

Jenna wanted to be mad but couldn’t. Even in high school, she’d never heard Ian so open, so vulnerable. And she could relate to the desire to protect her family at almost any cost.

“Like I said, I don’t know if it was actually William Rose or someone else who Henry Allen found to keep an eye on Celia. I certainly wouldn’t have gone along with it if I knew a madman was going to be involved. Never in a million years.”

Jenna couldn’t decide if she felt better or worse knowing what she knew. The knowledge that Ian had invited a possible connection between Celia and her killer sat like a heavy stone in her gut.

She leaned back, letting her head rest against the seat. “And whoever followed her didn’t bring you evidence of an affair?”

“No. How do I even know how good a spy he was? Maybe he just wanted to take someone’s money.”

Jenna couldn’t sort through it. The blowing heat made the car feel close and confined. It was getting late, and her eyes felt tired.

“I have to go,” she said. “I have to get home to Jared.”

Ian shifted in his seat. Jenna thought he was getting ready to leave, reaching for the door handle. But he kept talking.

“None of us are perfect here, Jenna. We’ve all made mistakes.”

Jenna wasn’t sure what else she could say to him, wasn’t sure how to offer support. She reached out and patted him on the shoulder, a gesture that felt both weak and ineffectual. But she wasn’t sure there was anything else she could do.

He leaned over, and they hugged. It too felt awkward, and Jenna made sure not to hold on too tight or too long. Sally was right. There couldn’t be anything else between them. Not even the remnants of a teenage fantasy.

She moved back, still disgusted by his revelations. “Let’s talk another time. Just let me know if you need anything.”

And then someone knocked against the window on Ian’s side of the car.

Jenna jumped. Ian turned and looked through the glass. It was Ursula, her mouth open, her face emanating disgust.

“Jesus, Dad,” she said, her voice muffled by the glass but still audible. “Fuck you.”

“Honey, wait.”

He was opening the door, letting the cold air of night into the car.





CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE


When they came in sight of the house and saw his mom’s car parked in the driveway, Ursula quickened her pace. She moved so quickly Jared couldn’t keep up, even though he started jogging to make up the gap.

He could tell the car was running. The lights were on and a faint trail of exhaust puffed out of the back. He saw people inside, sitting in the front seat, their bodies silhouetted in the glow from the console display. His mom. And? Ursula’s dad?

Ursula stopped when she came alongside the car. She stared in the passenger window for a moment, and then she stepped forward and beat against the glass with the side of her fist. Then the door was opening, and Ursula’s dad was stepping out into the cold just as Jared arrived.

“Jesus, Dad,” Ursula said, her voice becoming thin and brittle in the cold. She sounded like a little girl. “First Mom. And now you?”

“Ursula . . .”

Her dad held his hands out in front of him, trying to get her to calm down and listen. Jared couldn’t tell what she’d seen in the car that set her off.

“And you’re doing it with her,” Ursula said, the words coming out of her mouth like spittle.

“We were just talking.”

“You were f*cking kissing her.”

“No, I wasn’t. Ursula, calm down.”

Ursula stormed off toward the front of the house with her dad following along, calling her name. Jared watched as they went through the front door and inside.

When they were gone, he looked into the car, through the still-open passenger door.

“Mom?” he said.

“Get in.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“It’s fine. Come on, it’s cold.”

Jared got in and closed the door. The car felt warm, mercifully warm, and he held his hands up to the vents as his mom backed out of the driveway. When they were in the street and moving away, she asked, “What the hell are you doing running around at night? After I called the police and told you to stay inside?”

“I went to find Ursula. I wanted to see why she was saying those things.”

“And? Do you think that gets you off the hook?”