Silent Child(72)

Jake necked his drink and leaned over the kitchen counter, gripping the sideboard with his fingers. His knuckles turned white as I waited for him to answer me. I couldn’t stand still, yet I barely moved. I found myself sort of rocking back and forth onto the balls of my feet like a runner psyching themselves up for a sprint. Anything to rid myself of the energy coursing through me.

“It’s not what you think,” he said.

“Then what is it?”

“I love you. I really do.” He sucked in a deep breath, but still he didn’t face me. Instead he stared down at his hands gripping onto the kitchen counter like he was holding onto a cliff ledge. “But I have other… needs.”

Part of me didn’t want to ask, but of course I needed to know. “What kind of needs?” I scratched at the hot, itchy skin on my wrists and waited.

“You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to share my life with. To me, you are the woman. You are everything. You’re so much kinder than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re just beautiful. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, but there is something inside me that craves a different… a different connection.” He licked his lips and hesitated. “It isn’t your fault. I’m… I’m dirty. I have an affliction.”

My knees felt like they were going to buckle. Jake tried to help me into a chair, but I swatted his hand away and leaned against the kitchen counter instead.

“I think I’m addicted to sex.” He pulled his hair forward over his face and dragged his fingers over his eyes and down past his stubble to his neck. “I have to meet with women and have sex with them. I’ve always had to do it.” He began to cry. “I made up the excuse about the part-time job because I thought if I kept it to twice a week I would be able to, I don’t know, manage it, I guess. I couldn’t stop myself before I met you. When I helped you recover from that dark time, you helped me recover too. You were… everything to me.” He tried to reach out but I backed away.

“Don’t touch me.” I snapped.

“I’d never hurt Aiden.” His eyes were glistening from the tears, and his skin shone under the kitchen lights. “I’m a… fucking idiot, I know that. But I would never hurt him.”

“How can I believe that?”

He covered the ground between us in an instant. “By looking in my eyes and knowing it’s true!” He grabbed me by the shoulders. “How have we got here, Emma? We love each other. You love me. How can you even think these things?”

“Because people hide their faces. They hide them for years and years, even to the people who are closest to them. You’ve hidden this from me for years. How can I trust anything you say or do anymore?” I yanked myself free from the tight grip he had on my shoulders. “You’re not the person I married, are you? You’re someone else, and as far as I’m concerned that someone else could be anyone.”

He took a step back and fingered the empty glass of Scotch on the kitchen side. “I have an alibi for the time Aiden was kidnapped. The other teachers saw me walking around the school.”

“I know,” I said. “Simon from IT, apparently, who got a little confused a few weeks ago until you went into the station and sorted it out. What did you do? Pay him off? The guy is a slimy shit, Jake, so I’m not surprised.”

He rolled his eyes. “You still don’t believe me.”

I turned away. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“Oh, come on, Emma. Do you really believe Aiden would live in this house if I really was the kidnapper?”

I faltered. “I don’t know. He’s not… I’m not sure he remembers.”

“All the shit I’ve had to put up with. Teenage sons coming back from the dead. Ex-boyfriends taking up all your time. And I know you go gallivanting around town while I’m at work. You couldn’t give a shit about me. I mean, come on. I’m the first person you blame when things get tough, and even when I tell you the truth you don’t listen to me.”

“I am listening. I just don’t know what to believe or who to trust. You must see why, Jake. My life has been turned upside down over the last few weeks. I’ve been driven almost to insanity by the things that have happened. It’s just… too much. I don’t know where to turn.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Gently, he spun me around to face him. “I’m here to help you get through all this. And I will be, I swear. I’m so sorry I’ve let you down. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

“Is it true?” I whispered. “Have you really been sleeping with other women? Why? I’m not enough for you?”

His eyes welled with tears and his arms dropped down to his sides. He was hunched over like a broken toy. “You’re everything for me. You really are. But… it’s an affliction. I should have got help for it… I… I think I’m addicted to casual sex.”

“My heart fucking bleeds.”

Fresh anger worked through me and I needed to do something to use up all the pent-up energy. I paced back and forth in front of the kitchen table, pulling on my hair until it hurt. Why did all this have to happen now?

“I’m sorry, Emma,” he whined. He was full-on crying now, with snot dripping from his nose. “I swear it. I’ll never do it again. I’ll go through therapy. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”