Shadowland (The Immortals #3)(39)
“It’s so weird how like one minute everything’s fine—or maybe even not so fine—but still, you’re at least here. And then the next—gone. Like Evangeline. Never to be seen or heard from again.”
I drum my fingers against the granite counter, knowing that’s not exactly true, but unwilling to refute it.
“I guess I just don’t get the point. It’s like, why should you bother getting attached to anything if, A: It’s never gonna last, and B: It hurts like hell when it’s over?” She shakes her head. “Because if everything’s finite, if everything has a definite beginning, middle, and end, then why even get started in the first place? What’s the point when everything just leads to The End?”
She blows her bangs out of her eyes and looks at me. “And I don’t mean death like—” She nods toward her cat. “Although that’s where we all end up—no matter how hard we fight.”
I glance between her and Charm, nodding as though I’m right there. Like I’m just like everyone else. Waiting my turn in a long morbid line.
“I mean death in a more metaphorical way. In a nothing lasts forever way, you know? Because it’s true, nothing’s built to last. Nothing. No. Thing.”
“But Haven—” I start, stopping the second she shoots me a look meant to silence.
“Listen, before you try to sell me all that bright side nonsense you’re just dying to spout, name one thing that doesn’t end.” She narrows her gaze in a way that sets me on edge, making me wonder if she knows about me, if she’s trying to bait me somehow. But when I take a deep breath and look at her again, it’s clear she’s battling her own set of demons, not me.
“Can’t do it, right?” She shakes her head. “Unless you were going to say God, or universal love, or whatever, but that’s not what I’m talking about, anyway. I mean, Charm is dying, my parents are on the verge of divorcing, and, let’s face it, Josh and I are going to end eventually too. And if it’s purely an inevitable fact, then—” She shakes her head and wipes her nose. “Well—I may as well take control of the situation and be the one who decides when. Hurt him, before he can hurt me. Because two things are for sure, A: It’s going to end, and B: Someone’s bound to get hurt. And why should that someone be me?” She looks away, nose runny, lips twisted. “Mark my words, from this point on, I’m Teflon Girl. Everything runs right off me, nothing can stick.”
I look at her, sensing this isn’t quite the whole story, but willing to take her at her word. “You know what? You’re right. You’re absolutely right,” I say, seeing her look up in surprise. “Everything is finite.” Everything but Roman, Damen, and me! “And you’re also right that you and Josh will probably end at some point, and not just because everything ends like you said, but because that’s just the way it goes. Most high school relationships don’t make it past graduation.”
“Is that how you see you and Damen?” She picks at Charm’s blanket while looking at me. “That you guys won’t make it past grad night?”
I press my lips together and avert my gaze, knowing I’m pretty much the world’s worst liar when I say, “I—I try not to think about it too much. But what I meant was, just because something ends doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing or that someone’s bound to get hurt, or that it should’ve never happened in the first place, or whatever. Because if each step brings us to the next, then how will we ever get anywhere, how can we ever grow if we avoid everything that might hurt us?”
She looks at me, nodding only slightly, as though she sees my point but won’t fully concede.
“So we pretty much have no choice but to continue, to just get out there and hope for the best. And who knows, we might even learn a thing or two along the way.” I look at her, knowing I haven’t completely sold it, so I add, “I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can’t run away just because something won’t last. You have to hang in there, let it play out. It’s the only way you’ll ever advance.” I shrug, wishing I could be a little more eloquent, but there it is. “Think about it, if you didn’t rescue your cat, if you didn’t say yes when Josh asked you out—well, there’s a lot of wonderful moments you would’ve missed.”
She looks at me, still wanting to argue, but not saying a word.
“Josh is a really sweet guy, and he’s crazy about you. I don’t think you should throw him overboard so soon. Besides,” I say, knowing she hears me but is not truly listening, “you shouldn’t make those kinds of decisions when you’re feeling so stressed.”
“How about moving, then? Is that a good enough reason?”
“Josh is moving?” I squint. I hadn’t seen that coming.
She shakes her head, scratching Charm on the spot between her ears when she says, “Not Josh. Me. My dad keeps talking about selling the house, but damn if he’ll discuss it with Austin or me.”
I look at her, tempted to peer inside her head and see for myself, but sticking to my earlier vow to allow my friends their privacy.
“All I know for sure is that the phrase resale value comes up all the time.” She shakes her head, looking at me when she says, “But you know what this really means, if any of this is actually true? It means I won’t be going to Bay View next year. I won’t get to graduate with my class. I won’t be going to any Orange County high school for that matter.”