Rough Rider (Hot Cowboy Nights, #2)(62)

“You broke his jaw? He said he was assaulted by a drunk in a bar.”

“It was in the parking lot outside the bar and neither of us was drunk…well, not completely drunk.”

Janice gazed at him incredulous. “I don’t understand you at all. If you cared anything about me, why did you leave in the first place?”

*

He swallowed hard. “I had my reasons. Look, Red, it’s one thing to talk about what really happened but what-ifs are a waste of gray matter. It’s all water under the bridge now. There’s no point in rehashing it.”

Her gaze searched his. “So where does this leave us now?”

“Us?” he repeated with a humorless laugh. “There can’t be any ‘us.’ I’m afraid that train’s done left the station.”

“What was this morning?”

“This morning was great. It was f*cking incredible,” he added with emphasis. “But it doesn’t change anything. Great sex doesn’t mean happily ever after, Red.”

“Is that all this was about to you? Great sex?”

He shrugged. “What did you expect? I told you how it is. If that’s not enough for you, you want more than I can give you.”

Her eyes blazed. “Why you selfish bastard! You could if you wanted to. You just won’t!”

“Look at me! I told you already, I’m a f*cking mess and my life is turning to shit. I can never be what you need.”

“What I need? What makes you the authority on what I need? Did you ever think that maybe I might be what you need?”

His defensive walls came up. “I don’t want or need your f*cking pity!” He knew his reply stung her, but he was scared shitless and was just doing what he’d done before—pushing her away. This time, however, she pushed him right back. Literally.

“Just. Stop.” Eyes blazing, she poked him in the chest. Hard. “You know that’s not what I meant! I’m not gonna let you do it again. You can’t have it both ways. We need to resolve this—one way or another. I can’t work for you like this. Either you want me or you don’t.” She stared him down, hands on hips.

“Please, Red.” He raked his hair. “You already know I want you. That’s not the issue—”

“Then what is your damned issue? You’re gonna have to make up your mind, Dirk, because I’m not playing games. I’m not gonna wait around until you decide you’re ready, because I’m ten years past ready.”

“I’ve already told you. I can’t do a relationship.”

“And I can’t do meaningless sex. If you want me you get the whole package. Nothing less. We’ve both messed up our lives, but it’s not too late, don’t you see that?”

“I don’t see it that way. This whole thing was a big mistake, one that can’t happen again. Continuing would be nothing but senseless torture—for both of us.” It was pointless. The last thing he wanted was for her to walk out on him, but what she was asking…demanding…was just too friggin’ hard. She deserved far more than animal copulation, but that’s all he had to offer. Anything more was impossible.

“Last chance, Dirk. If I walk outta here, I’m not coming back.” She looked to the door.

“You have to know I don’t want that,” he answered softly. For four years, he’d wrestled with bitterness and self-pity, isolating himself even from his immediate family. Now Janice had entered his life and offered him his heart’s desire—the chance to reclaim some of the normalcy he’d lost. But the thought that he’d only f*ck it up all over again scared the shit out of him.

“Do I? Frankly, I have no clue what you want,” she answered. “Maybe you can tell me?”

“What I want?” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Right now it might as well be the f*cking moon.”

*

Janice left the bunkhouse palming her burning eyes and feeling completely drained. She’d been riding an emotional roller coaster almost from the moment she’d laid eyes on Dirk, and she had a sinking feeling the ride was far from over. Was he worth it?

He’d certainly shaken her faith, but deep down she still believed he was. She’d pushed him really hard, but he needed for someone to do exactly that. His walls were so thick, it would take nothing short of a battering ram to knock them down. One step at a time, she reminded herself.

Lost in her thoughts, she was beside her truck with keys in hand before she remembered her promise to Dirk’s father to drop by before leaving. Although emotionally and physically spent, she’d never be able to look Justin or Donna Knowlton in the face if she reneged.

“Janice Combes!” Donna Knowlton wore a look of pleased surprise when she answered Janice’s knock. “You sure don’t look anything like the gangly little redheaded tomboy anymore. I don’t think I would even have recognized you if Justin hadn’t told me you were coming by.” She stepped back to invite Janice inside. “Come on in, sugar.”

Janice wiped her boots and stepped inside. Her gaze surveyed the huge living room with its massive stone fireplace and floor-to-ceiling windows offering a breathtaking view of the Tobacco Root Mountains. She’d always loved the Knowlton place. It was exactly the kind of rustic but elegant home she’d always fantasized about.