Rev It Up (Black Knights Inc. #3)(74)

Her expression softened as she searched his face.

Oh, and great, now his heart wasn’t only galloping, it was breaking just a little bit, too.

Perfect.

“Do you remember that day I came to see you at the base?”

He swallowed, nodding, the entire sordid scene flashing in front of his eyes. He’d been so callus. So cruel. And then it suddenly occurred to him…

“Is that what you came to tell me that day? That you were pregnant?”

One large tear spilled down her smooth cheek. She didn’t reach up to wipe it away, instead allowing it to roll off her chin and land on her collarbone where it caught the overhead lights and sparkled like a sad little diamond.

“Yes,” she whispered, her gaze steady on his face despite the fact that he knew the memory had to be as painful for her as it was for him.

“I…” he swallowed, cursing himself for being a blind, jealous idiot. “I thought you’d…I thought you were coming to tell me about you and Preacher.”

She laughed, the sound full of bitterness and regret. “At that point there was no me and Preacher.”

He looked at her sharply. “But…by that time you two had been connected at the hip for what? A month? Ever since that night at the Clover—”

“Six weeks,” she smiled sadly. “For six weeks, Steven held my hand, patted my back, and told me just to give you time. He said you were going through a rough patch, and I needed to give you a chance to work through it.”

“Goddamn,” he glanced away, shaking his head when he thought of how different it all could’ve been if only he’d—

“Steven was my only friend,” she continued, cutting into his thoughts. “The only one I could talk to. Any of the other guys would’ve run to Frank and spilled the beans about what was happening between you and me. And then Frank would’ve killed you. But you remember how Steven was. If you swore him to secrecy, he’d die before breaking his word. Of course, when I found out I was pregnant, that really put his loyalty to the test…”

It was a good thing his “man card” had already been revoked, because tears gathered behind Jake’s eyes. “And when you came to tell me you were pregnant, I accused you of being a gold-digging slut. Which, in retrospect was more than ridiculous, huh? Yo, how many rich Naval officers do you know?”

She reached up to thumb away another tear. “I was hurting too badly to recognize what you were going through. I took your vicious words and the fact that you’d ignored my phone calls for a month and half to mean you didn’t love me anymore, if you’d ever loved me at all.”

He dug his fingers into the arms of the chair. Just as he’d feared, her answer to the question of why made him face the fact that she wasn’t the only one to blame for how things had turned out.

Oh, she’d made a mistake by not telling him she was pregnant with his child. There was no question of that. But she wouldn’t have done it had he not treated her like garbage, like something that belonged on the bottom of his shoe.

Goddamn him. Goddamn them both.

“And so you turned to Preacher…”

“No,” she shook her head. “I decided to get rid of the baby.”

His chin jerked back, and she turned to gaze at Franklin’s sweet face, the love in her own so bright and clear it was almost like the emotion was distilled down to its purest form.

“I knew what it was to grow up in a broken home, to grow up fatherless,” she whispered. “I didn’t want that for my child.”

“But how—”

“Steven went with me to the clinic that day, still holding my hand, still patting my back.” She shook her head and wiped away more tears. “I was a mess. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t fill out the paperwork. He had to do it for me. And then, when the nurse called my name, he looked at me…” she turned to him then, her smile watery, “… and he grabbed my hand and ran with me out the front door. You see, he knew me better than I knew myself. He knew I’d regret that decision for the rest of my life. And Steven being Steven, he offered me a solution.”

“He offered to marry you, to give you the home and family you’d been dreaming of your entire life.” And it should’ve been me. His heart ached so badly it was a wonder the thing still managed to pump blood.

She nodded.

“Did you love him?” He didn’t know if he hoped her answer was yes or no. The selfish, jealous part of him wanted her to say he’d been the only man to touch her heart. But Preacher deserved so much more than that…

“I loved him,” she said, shaking her head sadly, “but I wasn’t in love with him. Steven knew that, I was honest with him about that, but he swore I’d eventually fall in love with him.”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head as a slideshow of memories of Preacher flashed through his brain. “Preacher may’ve been a saint among sailors, but he was still a SEAL, cocky as hell. He probably figured there was no way in hell you wouldn’t eventually fall for him.”

She sighed. “I like to think he was right. I like to think that if we’d gotten the chance…” She trailed off, gathered herself, then continued quietly, “I’ve struggled every day with the guilt of that decision, wondering if I did the right thing. Wishing I could’ve given him more.”