Return to You (Letters to Nowhere #3)(5)

I clutch my chest trying to breathe. I’m shoving all of them back, attempting to get out of here. Jordan grasps me by the shoulders. “Sit down, Karen.”

I move too quickly for him to maintain his hold on me. “I’m not hurt,” I manage to say. “My head’s fine.”

Then I’m pushing my way out the gym doors, gasping for air.





chapter three

~jordan~





“Karen!” I sprint out of the gym, down the path, following the red ponytail. My heart is still lodged in my throat after watching that ugly fall. “Karen, stop!”

She halts, back to me, hands resting on her knees and shoulders shaking. I finally reach her and steer her in the direction of a nearby bench, forcing her to sit down. I get a good look at her face, not only the tears but ghostly white color, the cold sweat trickling down. I’ve seen Karen like this before, after one of her nightmares. She’s gasping for air, chest heaving. I kneel in front of her, pushing the hair off her face.

“I’m not… hurt,” she manages to say between sobbing and hyperventilating.

“I heard what TJ said.” I rest my hands on her upper arms, rubbing them gently. I’m starting to panic myself, worried Karen’s about to pass out. It’s happened to her before.

Her fingers grab at the material on the front of her leotard, pulling it away from her skin. “How come I can be completely fine… and then… and then one little thing… it feels like someone carved out my chest.”

Her words are like a jab to the stomach. I was much younger than Karen when I lost my mom, so the triggers were a little different—not having someone to pack my lunch before school, not having my uniform pants ironed… Missing her revolved around my selfish needs and being scared about getting through that day and maybe the next, but rarely did I think about her absence in the future, like Karen does.

But right now, I can’t talk about any of this with her because she needs to calm down. Her eyes are wide with panic, her face an even lighter shade of pale. I grip her shoulders tighter. “Look at me!”

She lifts her head enough to focus on my face.

“Breathe exactly like me,” I order, hoping her obedient gymnast nature will take over. I slow my own breathing down and keep my eyes glued to hers. “You’re okay. Just breathe.”

She nods and her shoulders deflate under my hands. She’s working hard to relax. More sweat is trickling down the sides of her face.

“Good.” I rub her shoulders and the back of her neck. “Now close your eyes… count to twenty really slowly in your head.”

I move onto the bench beside her the second her eyes flutter shut. I wrap an arm around her shoulders. She slumps over, pressing her weight against my side. I continue to rub her back and shoulders until she’s breathing normally again.

“I hate this,” she mumbles after a few minutes of silence between us. Hot tears roll down her cheeks and land on my hand. “It’s like being blindsided.”

“I know.” And I do know.

Stevie approaches us with tentative steps. “Your group is done warming up.”

Karen sits up immediately and tries to wipe her face with one arm. “Go,” she says to me.

I hesitate, open my mouth to protest but she shakes her head.

“Take her to get her head checked out,” I tell Stevie. It’s my compromise. I really don’t want to leave her like this.

Karen surprises me by laughing. “Yeah, I totally need my head checked out.”

I plant a kiss on the top of her head. “That’s not what I meant.”

After I get up, Stevie takes my spot on the bench, but I head to the gym before catching any potential conversation. I’m not sure if Karen can talk to Stevie like she can with Blair. They don’t seem to have that same close relationship, but I could be wrong.

A group of six energetic ten-year-old girls are waiting for me in front of the uneven bars. I’m rattled from the morning’s drama, but I plaster on my best coaching face and explain what we’re going to be working on for this rotation. The group is made up of all Level 3 and Level 4 gymnasts, so it’s fairly easy to set up the stations and get everyone going. A few minutes later, I’m spotting cast to handstands on the pit bar, allowing the kids to swing down on the last cast and land in the fluffy pit blocks.

TJ leaves his group on the tumbling strip doing pushups and walks over to where my group is. “Is she okay?”

I keep my focus on the kid I’m spotting while forcing my jaw to relax. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about TJ right now. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind punching him, but I can’t tell if that’s because I need to punch something or because I really blame him for Karen falling on her dismount. Falling is an understatement. She nearly killed herself. She would’ve killed herself if TJ hadn’t caught her.

Another reason why I can’t decide how to feel or who to be pissed at.

“She’s all right.”

He exhales, nods, and says, “I didn’t know about her parents.”

“Well, you do now.” God, I’m being an ass. “I think she’s freaked out more than hurt.”

“Right.” He tugs at the collar of his staff polo shirt, then turns around and walks back to his group.