Ramsey Security (Ramsey Security #1-3)(103)

"I worry she can't feel the same way. What if she's too cold inside to ever love me or anyone else?"

"What makes you think that?"

Shooting the ball at the hoop, I'm not even close. "Fuck."

"Let's go for a walk."

Following him, I lose my anger. Now I'm miserable at the thought of Saskia being a damn sociopath incapable of loving anyone. I refuse to let her go, but I don't know if I can make her want to stay.

"Let me ask you something and I want you to think about it before answering."

"Fine," I say, patting Peter walking beside me.

"I know you and Saskia have slept together. Have you also spent time outside the bedroom together?"

"Yes."

"So you know her more than on a surface level, right?"

"I think so."

"Well, you've talked to her about topics that don't involve her job and sex, right?"

"Right," I mutter, losing my temper again.

"Do you think you could fall in love with her if she were dead inside? When I spoke to her the other day, she didn't even attempt to make me feel wanted. That doesn’t mean she is dead inside, though."

"She's like that in the beginning," I say defensively. "It's how she had to be to survive in her old life. She warms up over time."

"Does she show concern for you that doesn't involve her job?"

"Yes."

"This thing she did or said that made you worry she might be a sociopath, did she seem to feel bad about it?"

"No."

"Do you think she should?"

Frowning, I stop and look back at the house. "I would."

Lawrence stops walking and asks, "Would you feel bad about it if you had her life? People learn different coping skills. Yours involve talking to me and having a support system. I don't know how Saskia copes with things. Shutting off her feelings could be a skill she learned. To you, her behavior seems wrong or cold. However, she might think your way of dealing with problems is wrong and weird."

Kneeling down, I pet Egon and think about Lawrence's words. "She grew up in a cold world with violent people. I guess showing weakness... Hell, showing any emotion at all would be a weakness. A liability even. "

"In your world, her coping skills aren't necessary. So if you two remained together, she might learn new ones. That's not something she can do overnight. And honestly, it's not fair for you to expect her to change at the snap of your fingers."

"So I'm the bad guy?"

"No, you're a man inexperienced and uncomfortable with relationships outside of your immediate family. You hide here because it's comfortable. Your mother and Nell encourage your dependency. Now you've met a woman who pushes you outside your comfort zone, and you react accordingly."

Lawrence begins walking again, and I follow him. "Brad, no one is the bad guy here. Saskia is just different from you. She needs time to adjust to your life."

"So what do I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

"That's not an answer."

"I'm your therapist, not your heart. You want something from Saskia. You need to decide if it's worth waiting for. I can't answer that for you."

Glancing back at the house, I admit, "I want her to give up her job and stay with me."

"Why give up her job?"

"She closes down when she works. The job keeps her cold and hard. I want her to be able to let her guard down."

"You thought she was a sociopath earlier."

Rolling my eyes, I hate when Lawrence catches my bullshit.

"Fine, I don't want to believe that's her. When we watch my ghost shows, she laughs a lot, and I see her opening up. Like how she's cooking with Mom now. Saskia wants to be different. At least, I hope she does. Like I said, I want to keep her and I can't if she's not the woman I want her to be. I could be just lying to myself to make her right for me, though."

"True. Only time will tell if what you see is real. The problem is you'll need to put yourself at risk emotionally to find out. This isn't something you've been comfortable doing since the attack. With Saskia, there's no protecting yourself from the pain if she rejects or disappoints you."

"So I man up and accept this woman might break my heart."

Lawrence gives me a sympathetic smile. "Exactly. That or you close off your feelings from her and end things. Those are your choices. You can't control that you love her, but you can control whether you act on that love."

"Well, I need to know how she really feels. I won't walk away without being sure. Not knowing would eat me up."

"Then you have your answer."

"So I go to her?"

"I can't answer that. I don't know enough about your dynamics to know whether you should wait until she comes to you. You could make a mental deadline that if she doesn't approach you then you'll approach her."

Lawrence and I walk for another twenty minutes around the property. When we stop at the front porch, I throw a ball to the dogs.

"I need a guy friend. Talking about chicks with you is weird."

"Then get a guy friend."