Raging Heart On (Lucas Brothers #2)(30)

White is offering me something I have wanted my whole life. To get it, I have to ignore certain things, like he doesn’t love me, or that he doesn’t share the same overall goals and views of life as I do. I could choose to just forge ahead, take what he’s offering me, and enjoy the ride. So much of me wants to do that.

But what kind of person does that make me? How selfish am I if I allow the man I love, the man who has always been my anchor in life, to give me what I want when he doesn’t want the same? If I was strong enough, I would end this. White keeps fighting me when I get the courage to push him away though. Admittedly, I’m not trying really hard. When you have wanted something for so long, it’s hard to let it go. Especially when reality is about a gazillion times better than the fantasy.

So don’t judge me too harshly when this morning, waking up in my bed with White’s arms around me, I make a decision I’ll probably regret. A decision I know is the wrong one, but I just don’t care.

I grab my cell phone and sneak into the bathroom. I close the door and wince because the clicking noise of the lock connecting seems unusually loud. I take a breath, battling my nerves, then dial the phone.

“Women’s Center for Health and Care. Good morning. How can I help you today?”

“Appointments please,” I half-say and half-whisper into the phone.

“Scheduling desk, this is Julie,” I hear the familiar voice over the phone.

“Julie, this is Kayla Graham. I need to try and get in to see Dr. Mason this week.”

“Kayla! Good to hear your voice. Is there something going on? We have an appointment that just canceled if it’s urgent.”

“Nah, it’s not urgent. I just haven’t had an appointment in a bit and I’m on my last container of birth control pills.”

“Got it. Well do you want to come in today? If not, I have openings for Wednesday of next week.”

“Next week is fine. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. I have a 3:00 and a 4:30 in the afternoon, since I know you like them as late as you can make it.”

“The 4:30 would be great. Thank you.”

“Okay, sweetie. 4:30 p.m. on Wednesday. See you then.”

“Thanks,” I whisper just as White begins banging on the door.

“You in there, Buttercup?”

My nerves are shot. It feels like I’m cheating. No. Just lying. I ignore the small voice of my conscience and lay my phone on the small cabinet I keep my towels in. I wipe my hands on White’s t-shirt I’m wearing and open the door. He looks good enough to eat, standing there with his pants hanging low on his hips and no shirt. Somehow, even his bare feet look sexy. He’s broad, lean, and that six pack should be in a museum for everyone to admire.

“I was just going to get in the shower,” I tell him with a false smile.

“Maybe you need some help with that.” White grins.

This is the moment. The moment I push ahead and ride the ride for as long as it lasts, or I finally run away. Except there’s really no choice; I’d already made it by calling my doctor.

“I’ve been thinking…” I tell him, and I see the tension on his face gather around his eyes.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think you really need to have your swimmers checked. There’s no reason to think anything is wrong there.”

“Okay,” White says, confused, trailing off like he’s not sure what to say. I’m very familiar with that feeling.

“I mean, obviously I do think we should get tested and get a free bill of health if we’re going to have sex without… well…”

“Condoms?”

“Yeah.” I shrug. I think I see disappointment in his eyes and I feel the biggest need to erase it.

“I’m fine with that. We could probably do that today at the local clinic,” he says, but he doesn’t look happy. Why should he? Before I put him off to test his swimmers, and now I’m practically accusing him of being diseased. Probably none of the women in his life have asked him to get tested. I’m a freak.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him lamely, because I suddenly feel like this huge oddball. If he pressed it, I would have to confess everything. He has to know my excuses are lame. He gave me oral sex. If there were diseases involved…

I’m on the verge of confessing to him that I have decided to go back on the pill and we can have sex, that the testing was just nervous delay tactics, when White smiles. His hand wraps around the side of my neck, his thumb putting pressure on my chin—just enough to make my head tilt back. It strokes along the ridge of my jawbone as those deep blue eyes bore into mine.

“Don’t be sorry, honey. You’re being smart. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed about talking to me about anything. I’ve always loved everything about you. We’ve never had things hidden from one another. We have a trust I’ve never shared with anyone else. It’s why we’re best friends. That doesn’t change now,” he tells me, and his words meant to calm me, but instead they terrify me. What if he finds out what I’m keeping from him?

“How about I get my shower out of the way and then fix us some breakfast before I head to work?” I suggest, needing to get my nerves under control.

“What if I help you shower?” he suggests instead, causing my knees to go weak and the panic to hit me full force.