Raging Heart On (Lucas Brothers #2)(145)

“I’m going to be sick,” I gasp, putting my hand over my mouth and running to the restroom. I barely make to the toilet in time. Max is right behind me. I feel him lift my hair out of the way, and as I’m finished retching, he hands me a towel. Perfect. Just how every woman wants to be remembered by the man they love—kneeling over the toilet, puking their guts out.

“You okay, kitten?” Max asks, his voice soft, and I lean back into him, letting his body warm me. I feel so cold.

“Give me a minute.” His fingers continue sifting through my hair, and I want to memorize this moment. Memorize it and never let it go, because I know my time with Max will be ending. “I’m going to rinse my mouth,” I tell him, standing and getting away from him. I’m upset, and I want to blame him. It’s not fair and if anything, more my fault, but there it is regardless.

“Tess…”

“I just need a minute alone, Max. Okay?” I tell him, not turning around. I turn the water on in the sink and brush my teeth. I make a point of not concentrating on him, or anything. I’m a robot on autopilot until I hear the door close. Then I put the brush down, rinse my mouth and slowly sink to the floor as my grief overwhelms me. In my mind, it was always a possibility that I would end up alone. A huge probability, if I’m honest. Yet, faced with the harsh reality of it, I can’t catch my breath. It’s a hurt that goes bone deep. I’m not crying. I don’t think I can cry. No, I’m hurting. I feel as if my heart is being shred into pieces while I sit here on the cold floor.

“Sweetheart,” Max says, and I hadn’t even realized he’d come back in the room. He gathers me in his arms and carries me out of the room. He puts us on the bed, holding me tight and snuggling into me. I remain stiff, but I don’t fight him. I don’t have it in me to extend that much energy. “Tess…”

“Don’t say it, Max. Please? Not right now. I just can’t handle it.”

“Tess, we need to…”

“I don’t want to!” I yell trying to pull away from him.

“Tess, damn it….”

“I don’t want to give you up, Max! I don’t! You think I’m strong enough to watch you walk away and never see you again? I’m not! Do you think I’m strong enough to raise a child who will never know how amazing its dad is? I’m not!”

“Tess, honey…”

“Oh God, Max. I’m not. I don’t want to do any of this without you. I don’t want to be without you. Please, oh god, please. Please just give me a little time without having to think about it. Max, please.” The pleading cues my tears and I… crumble. A deluge of pain and fear swamps me and steals my breath. Max holds me and lets me cry, but that’s almost as painful. Who will hold me when he’s gone? Who will help me to survive?

I cry until I can’t cry anymore. Until, I’m so far broken that the tears stop. My eyes are raw, my sides hurt, from the gut-wrenching, unanswered pleas, and my head hurts. Only when I reach that point does Max somehow gather me closer and tries to absorb my pain. That’s impossible.

“You’re going to make yourself sick, Kitten.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him, and that’s how it feels. Nothing matters now.

“It does. You have our baby to think of. This may not be the way we saw things going, Tess, I get that. It is how things are though, and I need you to be strong. I need you to take care of our child.”

“He or she won’t ever get to know you, Max.”

“Bullshit. They will, Tess. I’m not missing out on being a part of his or her life.”

“What are you going to do, Max? Send us letters from Bora Bora?”

“Aruba.”

“Whatever.”

“No, I’m going to find a way to be part of this child’s life. A way to be a part of your life, Tess. I’ll talk with Marcum, and we’ll call in some favors. We’ll figure this out.”

His words bring me hope. And I almost allow them to soothe me, until I realize, it’s just a pipe dream. Max was in the pen for murder. That, in itself, is hard to get out of, but if you add on taking part in a jailbreak and prison riot, escaping, and taking a hostage, he may never see the light of day. I maybe could testify and get that last part taken off, but doing so may end up with me in prison and what will happen to my baby then? No, Max was right to begin with. There’s more than just me to consider now.

“Give me a chance, Tess. Don’t give up on me yet.”

“Does Marcum have that much power?”

“If anyone does, Tess, it would be him.”

“When will we know?”

“He’s working on it now. He seemed to think he’d have an answer sometime tomorrow.”

“What do we do in the meantime?”

“We savor every moment, Kitten.”

“I’m still scared, Max.”

“I know.”

“It will all work out, Tess.”

He says again and I know he’s trying to assure me, but I think that ship has sailed.

“You have more confidence in life, than I have Maxwell,” I tell him my hand, tightening in his.

“We have our happy ever after to find. My woman believes in fairy tales. I want to be the f*cker who gets to give them to her.”