Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (Silence #3)(79)

“You’ve given birth and had stitches. The midwife said to take it easy for the next week, so that’s what you’re going to do.”

He grabbed my blanket, which he had insisted on buying from the hospital shop, and laid it over me.

“Now you chill and watch some TV, and I’ll make lunch.”

“Jasper?”

He turned around.

“Thank you.”

“Any time.”

After lunch, my aunt, uncle and cousin turned up to see us. Jasper kept close by and my heart ached at the reason; he was scared of someone hurting Sophia. I hated his dad even more for the anxiety Jasper felt over her safety. I trusted every member of my family around my daughter, but he couldn’t do that. New parents had enough to worry about without those sorts of thoughts going through their heads.

“She looks like you, Holly,” Uncle Bill said, cradling Sophia in his arms.

I smiled. She didn’t look like either of us yet, in my opinion.

Jasper sat beside me; tension radiated from his hunched shoulders. He watched Sophia like a hawk. It looked as if he was seconds from ripping her out of Bill’s arms. Uncle Bill lived on a farm, so growing up I spent most of my summer holidays there, running wild in the fields and helping him feed the animals. He’d never hurt anyone. But that’s probably what everyone thought about Max until the truth came out.

As much as I hated that he didn’t trust my family I had to make allowances for what he’d been through. And Oakley was right; he hadn’t dealt with it at all.

“When’s her next feed, Holly?” Jasper asked. He knew he was just saying it in the hope they would hand her over to us.

My back stiffened. “Not for another hour,” I said. “Aw, lean in further Mary, that’s a lovely picture.” I unlocked my phone to take a picture of Sophia with her great aunt and uncle.



“Can we talk about something?” I asked when we were finally alone again.

“Anything,” he replied.

“It’s about your dad.”

“Then no.”

“Jasper, come on.”

He stood up and fussed around, folding a couple of Sophia’s blankets.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Holly,” he said, avoiding my gaze.

“What’s going on? I can tell when you’re hiding something, you know.”

“I’m visiting him! Okay?”

“Oh.”

He dropped the pile of already folded blankets and sat back down.

“I’m visiting him.”

That wasn’t what I’d expected to come out of his mouth. The few times we’d spoken about it before, he’d got angry and shut down. I’d never have expected him to say he was going to see him.

“You want to?”

“No. I have to. Oakley seems to think facing him will help, and right now I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, or heart attack, every time someone goes near Sophia, so I’m willing to give it a try. I don’t want to feel this shitty whenever someone comes to see her. I don’t want to lay awake most of the night worrying that something’s happening to her.”

“I had no idea you were that scared.”

He turned his head, and I saw in his eyes how badly it affected him.

“Holly. I’m terrified,” he whispered.

Every night when he’d left the hospital with a smile on his face saying that he’d see us ‘first thing’ again, he’d been hiding how frightened he was about leaving us.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I knew he worried, but not to the extent that he couldn’t sleep.

“I didn’t want to worry you. Christ, you’d just given birth, you didn’t need my shit too.”

“Hey, you can talk to me whenever you need to. I don’t want you to think I’ve ever got too much going on, okay?”

He smiled tightly.

“I mean it, Jasper. Promise you’ll talk to me in the future. I can help.”

“I wish you could.”

“Stay here tonight. Maybe if you see that she’s fine it’ll be easier.”

“Maybe.”

“I’d die before I let anyone hurt her,” I said.

He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my temple.

“I know you would, but I can’t help feeling that way I do. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”

Sighing, I sunk into his side.

“And I’ll try harder too.”

“You need anything? I’m going to go to the shop and pick up some more dummies for Soph. We’ve dropped two already today, and we can’t sterilise them quick enough.”

“Good idea.”

“So…anything?” he asked and stood up.

I reluctantly let him go and blushed. There was something. “Um, just the dummies.”

“What?”

“It’s fine. I can get Mum to get it.”

“No, I want to. What is it?”

“Honestly, Jasper.”

“Tell me. I don’t mind getting whatever you need. Tell me, Hol.”

Flushing what was probably now a deep red, I replied, “I need more maternity pads.”

“Oh.” He blinked a few times and then nodded slowly. “I can do that.”