Piecing Me Together(37)

I am lying in my bed, thinking about all this and looking around my room, at the walls, at the ceiling. There’s a crack in the wall I’ve never noticed until now, and a spider is building her web in the corner of the ceiling. The wind is blowing and beating against my window; the rattling sounds like a nervous drum. The rain sounds like a million hands clapping in a stadium. Every now and then a car passes, speeding down the street on its way to somewhere. I hear the pipes moan when E.J. turns on the water in the kitchen. I hear the doorbell ring, then his footsteps into the living room, then Lee Lee’s voice. Before I can sit up, she is knocking on my door. “Come in,” I tell her. I don’t care that I am not dressed, that my hair is pulled back in a sloppy bun.

When Lee Lee comes in, the first thing she says is, “What’s the matter with you?” She sits on the foot of my bed and stares me down with her you-better-not-lie-to-me look.

“Nothing,” I tell her. “Tired.”

“Why does your mom think I need to talk to you?”

“Are you serious? She sent you over here?”

“No. I was already on my way. We passed each other while she was going to work. She said maybe I can talk some sense into you. But didn’t give me details. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Jade—”

“I’m thinking about quitting Woman to Woman.”

“But don’t you get a scholarship for being in that program?”

I sigh. “I am so tired of talking about it.”

“Well, you haven’t talked about it with me,” Lee Lee says.

I don’t say anything.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I know you are too smart to give up on yourself.”

“I’m not giving up on myself.”

“Yes, you are. Whatever happened, it’s not worth quitting. Who loses if you quit the program? Not Maxine. You do. You’re the one who’ll be trying to figure out how to pay back a school loan.”

“But you don’t understand,” I tell Lee Lee. “I don’t want to go to all these expensive restaurants and be reminded that my family can’t afford to eat in them. I don’t want be taken all over the city of Portland just so I can see how everyone else lives in bigger and better houses and neighborhoods. I wanted to be in Woman to Woman because I thought I’d actually learn something about being a woman. About how to be a successful woman. So far all I’ve learned is how to make sure there are low-fat, vegan-friendly snacks at girl talk sessions. It’s got me thinking, is that all mentorship is? Taking someone younger than you to places they can’t afford?”

By the look on Lee Lee’s face, she doesn’t think any of these are good reasons to quit. I even tell her how sometimes Maxine makes me feel like I am better than my friends at Northside, better than Lee Lee. I add that part to get her on my side.

But instead Lee Lee says, “You need to talk to whoever is in charge. Have you said anything to anyone?”

I don’t answer.

“They can’t read your mind. I mean, I get what you’re saying—some of that stuff is a little corny, and a lot of it is offensive. But I don’t know; what’s the better option? Stay silent, leave the program, and they never have a chance to do better?”

“But I could speak up and they could dismiss me. I mean, I doubt they’ll take me seriously. They’ll probably just make excuses,” I tell her. “And I shouldn’t have to tell grown people how to act. This is their program.”

“It’s their program, but it’s for you,” she says. “If you speak up and they dismiss you, that’s on them. But if you stay quiet and just quit, well—”

“All right, all right. I’ll think about it,” I tell Lee Lee. I don’t know why I never considered it before. Here I am, so focused on learning to speak another language, and I barely use the words I already know.

I need to speak up for myself. For what I need, for what I want.

Like most times, Lee Lee is right. I love and hate that about her.





45


la verdad

the truth

The next day, I call Maxine and ask if we can get together. She says yes right away, and we make plans for Saturday afternoon. When she gets to my house, she steps inside and brings the cold in with her. “Jade!” Maxine reaches out to hug me. “I missed you.” Her hug is tight and long. “It is so good to see you.” She holds on to me as if to say, I’m sorry for hurting you. As if to say, I’m not going to stop calling or coming by; I’m committed to you. “Ready?” she asks.

“Ready.” We get into her car. It’s beginning to sprinkle, so Maxine turns the wipers on the lowest speed and I watch the water disappear and come back again. Sabrina is always telling us girls that we need to work on making eye contact with people. That people want to know we’re telling the truth and that we’re confident and sure of ourselves. But I feel more confident when I’m looking at the floor or my shoes or far away at the rain clouds. I know I don’t have a choice, so like my mom and Lee Lee keep telling me, I start speaking. “I’m sorry I’ve been flaking out on you.”

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”