Perfect Little World(45)

Izzy walked over to Dr. Grind, holding Cap in her arms, and Dr. Grind felt slightly odd as the woman and her child both regarded him with emotions that he could not quite decipher.

“Hello, Izzy,” he said.

“I heard that Cap said his first word today,” she told him.

“He did. We’re very proud of him.”

“Daddy,” Izzy said.

“That’s it,” Dr. Grind agreed.

“I wish I had been there to hear it,” she admitted. She stood over him, her emotions seemingly tamped down, her demeanor always a source of some mystery to him. She was talented at holding her feelings just below the surface, where they dissipated and became easier to manage. It reminded him of his own makeup.

“Izzy,” Dr. Grind finally said. “I hope that word, Daddy, isn’t too strange for you.”

“It’s weird,” Izzy replied, her face darkening; she seemed to be choosing her words carefully, as if being interviewed by the police, and wanting to be anywhere else. “But I think about how, if I’d been raising him by myself, trying to take care of him, how that word would never have entered into his vocabulary, at least not for a long time. I guess it’s good in the end that the project made it possible for him to use that word and to understand it and to mean it.” By the time she finished speaking, her face was calm and there was the slightest hint of a smile, though Dr. Grind did not entirely believe it was genuine.

“That’s a good point,” Dr. Grind said.

“I’m handling it much better than if he said Mommy to someone else, you know?

“Daddy,” Izzy whispered to Cap, and the baby looked at her with great fascination. “Daddy,” she said again, and the baby, emboldened, replied, “Daddy,” his eyes fixed on her face.

She turned to Dr. Grind and smiled. “These are going to be the most perfect, weirdest kids ever,” she said, and this, finally, made Dr. Grind laugh.


When the meal had ended and it was time to prepare the babies for bedtime, he stayed behind to help clear the table, while Ellen and Asean loaded the dishwasher and listened to some unidentifiable, slowed-down southern rap, everything rounded off and rolling easy through the kitchen. When they had finished, Asean rushed off to help put his daughter to bed, leaving Ellen and Dr. Grind to finish the last few tasks in the kitchen before turning off the lights.

“How are things, Ellen?” he asked her.

“Fine,” she said.

“I want to talk to you about something, if you have a second,” he said and she seemed to freeze, her eyes widening.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he continued. “I just want to check in and see how things are going. We’ve reached almost a year together, so I’m wondering how you feel about your role as a parent.”

“It’s complicated,” Ellen admitted. “I know this is the best place for Marnie, for all of us, but I can’t pretend that it’s not strange. It seems like a lot of the other parents don’t have issues with any of it. Maybe it’s because I’m older than most of them, but I sometimes need a little more time to get used to all the new changes that pop up. I want to be a good mother.”

“You are a good mother,” Dr. Grind said.

“I think so,” she said, “but who knows? This is my first time. I don’t have enough evidence to know for certain. I’m just trying to do my best.”

“That’s what we’re all doing, together, trying to do our best,” Dr. Grind offered.

“It’s easy to say that, this idea that we’re all in this together, but, honestly, Dr. Grind, some things are private and I have to deal with them on my own. I talk to the other parents. I talk to Harris. I talk to the psychiatrist. I talk to you. And that’s fine, but no matter how many people tell me this is the best thing for all of us, I am not totally convinced yet. I just need time, I guess. My life has been such that, when I think things are okay, they start to fall apart. I guess I’m just wary of things when they seem like they’re working. Sometimes I need a little reassurance. Sometimes I need to reassure myself, in my own way.”

“That’s fair,” Dr. Grind said. “I can appreciate that.”

“Good,” Ellen said.

There was a pause between them, both of them looking for the next thing to say and finding nothing before Ellen finally said, “This is about me holding Marnie, isn’t it?”

“Partly,” Dr. Grind said, slightly taken aback by the honesty of her statement. “Well, actually, yes. Entirely.”

“I figured as much. I knew it even when I woke her up. I knew it was going to get me in trouble, but I just needed to do it. I needed to hold her a little longer.”

“Okay,” Dr. Grind said. “I understand that, Ellen, you have to believe that I understand that desire.”

“But you still don’t want me to do it,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Not under those circumstances. I want everyone to follow the procedures as we’ve established them, to ensure that everyone is taken care of and that we continue to adjust so that we’re prepared for whatever comes next.”

“Okay,” Ellen said, waving her hand in surrender. “I know you don’t enjoy this. I know I’m making things complicated. I’ll figure it out.”