One Step Closer(33)

Caleb felt like a butterfly in one of those shadow boxes with his wings pinned down, and his father’s supposed posthumous gesture of “good will” was the pins.





Dear Caleb,


I know there is no way to make amends for all of the sins I’ve committed against you. Though I’ve tried in the past, and am trying again now, a dying old man’s last chance to do the right thing may be futile. If you’re reading this, then it gives me a bit of hope that one day you may at least understand.

I have no excuse for my behavior. My lack of a relationship with you is my greatest regret. I can only hope that in telling you the truth, you’ll at least have some peace and an explanation. God knows you deserve one.

Nothing can justify a father turning his back on his twelve-year-old son; there is no excuse for disappearing from your life, and abandoning you and your mother those last months before she died. I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but I do, nevertheless.

When I first learned Celine was sick, my whole world came crashing down around me. We had an amazing life, a successful company, an incredible son; life was idyllic, so how could it end? The pain was horrific. I couldn’t accept that I would lose her, and it was unbearable to watch her change from the beautiful, vibrant woman she’d been, into a shell of her former self. I exhausted myself searching for a doctor who would have a different diagnosis or miracle cure. I spent an astronomical amount of money and traveled the world over talking to doctors, but there was nothing to be done for her type of brain tumor.

Every doctor had the same answer: it was inoperable, her pain would get worse, she’d begin to forget things or lose use of her motor skills, and medication would have horrible side effects. The feeling of hopelessness, failure, and despair was like nothing I’d ever felt.

I neglected my company and my son, and I couldn’t face your mother, I couldn’t face you. I’d failed both of you because I couldn’t save her.

I have no other explanation except I simply couldn’t handle the pain. I went to work to rebuild Lux. It was her legacy, and in that at least, I wouldn’t fail her. I used it as an excuse to block out her illness until she died and I closed down. I felt like I’d died myself.

My grief was unbearable and you were a reminder of her: every time I looked at you, I saw her in your eyes. It was unfair to you, and the worst thing I could have done. You were already so angry by then; I thought it was easier on both of us if I just kept working. Your resentment was justified, and it only solidified the distance that I needed to function.

It was the worst mistake of my life. The worst thing I’ve ever done.

Over the years, I tried to make amends in ways you are not even aware of, and others you didn’t agree with. I can only hope someday you will come to see that most of what I’ve done, even marrying Veronica, I did, because I thought you needed a family. I thought she would be kind, and her presence, along with Wren’s, would bring some happiness back to your life. Looking back, I know at least one thing good came out of it. Wren.

I know I was wrong to force my will on you to go to Boston, but at the time, you were reckless and spiraling out of control. I wanted you to have a good life, and guide you along a better and more stable path. I feared that the crowd you ran with would influence you in a destructive direction. Right or wrong, I wanted to separate you from that possibility.

You are a far better man than me, and it’s obvious you love more selflessly than I am capable of. I should have let you live the life you wanted, and trusted you to take the right path. I had no right to stand in your way.

I understand that you may be angry to hold the responsibility I am placing in your hands, but I hope you can see that this is my way of proving my faith and trust in you. Finally.

No matter what you decide to do, I want you to be happy. I am proud to call you my son.

Love,

Dad



Caleb’s whole body was shaking as he finished reading his father’s last words to him. His eyes burned with unshed tears, his throat ached, and he felt like two steel bands wrapped around his chest, preventing him from breathing normally.

What the f*ck? He waits until it’s too late to say this?

Wren had been so tired she slept through dinner, and afterward, Caleb managed some time alone when Macy had to take a call from her firm. He retreated to his father’s library, grateful for her distraction so he could read Edison’s second letter.

He was in shock at its content, but still he was overwhelmed with emotion. Caleb wasn’t sure if the explanation inspired forgiveness, or only made him more pissed off at his dad.

How dare he do what he did, then act like a whiny bitch instead of a man? A man, who should have been strong for his dying wife, and for his son.

Did he think Caleb could just forgive him so easily? Did he think a few words on a page would change the years of hatred and resentment? Was Caleb supposed to thank his lucky stars for this huge f*cking “gift”?

Rather than make his life easier, it shifted the weight of the world onto his shoulders. Was he supposed to be grateful? And, what about Wren? Did Edison Luxon even give one f*cking thought to what this could do her life? What if she didn’t want any of it?

Caleb tried to take a deep breath, but was only partially successful. His lungs felt rigid and resisted his effort as the words on the page blurred. Goddamn him!

“What is that, Caleb?”