One Step Closer(19)
The rooms hadn’t changed much that he noticed, though he wasn’t paying close attention. From what he could see from the light streaming down the hallway out of the big room, his bedroom was kept clean and tidy by the ever-efficient housekeeping staff.
He hadn’t been back since the spring break of his senior year in college, but all of his things, save the dirty clothes he’d left strewn around, seemed in place, just as he remembered. Caleb’s eyes roamed over the bed, as the memories flooded his mind. He had mixed feelings about that visit. His relationship with Wren was changed forever. It had been a dream, and a nightmare at the same time.
He’d been such a f*cking coward. Maybe if he’d been more of a man, things would be different now. Because of that one night, their relationship had changed forever. He’d been so blind with the jealousy that had eaten him alive and clouded his judgment. He was pissed at her, at himself, and Dex. His best friend moving on Wren had made him snap. He’d wanted her for as long as he could remember and seeing Dex go for her… well, Caleb didn’t handle it well.
Afterward, it was too hard to lie to Wren’s face, and just easier to let her think he was drunk and didn’t remember any of it, though every precious second was burned on his soul like a brand. Denial of the whole thing was the easiest way to keep it from happening again. Only doing so hurt her badly, and his idiotic thinking that they could go back to the way they were before it happened, was ludicrous. It had been the best, and worst, night of his entire life.
Only physical distance and the span of years had given Caleb any type of perspective… but that flew out the window each and every time he’d seen Wren since. He was terrified of the rush of excitement he felt whenever fate would throw them back together; so damn anxious to see her, his eyes drinking in every line of her face and body, memorizing the most minute changes, yet knowing the fight he’d have to fight to keep his hands off of her would kill him. It was like some sort of sick addiction; he couldn’t be in the same room with her without pain, but when she was close, he couldn’t stay away from her, either.
As she grew up she became more beautiful and sexy, and every time he saw her it was harder, putting Caleb at critical risk of all of his carefully constructed control being annihilated, so when it finally happened; Wren paid the price for his weakness. It took everything he had to push her away because each time he got closer and closer to losing it. Somehow, he managed because he couldn’t figure out any other way not to touch her, though seeing the hurt look on her face each time, put him in hell.
He’d crushed her. He knew it, but justified it by the age difference and because keeping Wren at arm’s length was critical for his control.
The last time he’d been in this bed, he’d cracked, and the next day he’d made the worst mistake of his life. It had destroyed her. The only time he’d felt worse than the night they’d slept together, was that time she’d flown out to San Francisco last year to introduce him to Sam. Hatred welled up inside his heart. Who in the f*ck was this guy, anyway? Oh right, some fancy French ballet prick that wanted to marry her.
Caleb knew he didn’t have any f*cking excuse for acting the way he had; on either one of those pivotal moments. He knew he was just being a selfish prick; protecting his own sorry ass and his own selfish pride, instead of doing what was best for Wren. He’d promised to take care of her forever, and he’d failed to protect her from himself. Twice.
Despite the cooling off between them, Caleb still kept up with Wren’s career, and in general, watched over her as well as he could without her knowing. He’d kept his distance, but last March he went to New York to see her perform. He’d wanted to see her on her birthday and hopefully repair some of the damage he had done to their relationship. Caleb had been stunned by how amazing she was, completely mesmerized as he watched her dance, anxious to talk to her and tell her how proud he was of her. He wanted to surprise her, however, Caleb had been the one surprised, seeing her come out of the theater clinging to a man he didn’t recognize. It wasn’t Sam, but it was enough to make him stop dead in his tracks.
Reconsidering his decision to show up and interrupt her life, he’d waited a few hours and then placed a call to her instead of letting her know he was in the city. He’d already screwed one of her relationships up, and she didn’t deserve it again. The memory still stung.
He dropped his bag unceremoniously on the floor, then laid the envelopes on his dresser and flopped down on his back in the middle of the big king-sized bed. Caleb’s hand came up to wipe down over his face from forehead to jaw then he glanced at his watch. It was close to 6 PM and way too early to sleep despite his exhaustion.
Maybe he should read his father’s letter before Macy, and especially Wren, arrived. He had to figure shit out. Macy didn’t know much about Wren, other than she was the daughter of Caleb’s father’s second wife, and the two of them kept in touch once in awhile. He kept his memories of Wren private. Dex knew some of it, but he was the only one.
“Ugh.” Caleb groaned at the memories, wishing he’d never had to come back to Denver.
The gravity of the current situation was also weighing on him. He hadn’t thought about the repercussions his past with Wren would have on his relationship with Macy. Macy and he were casual, and he figured that she and Wren would never meet. Leave it to his dad to f*ck that up by dying.