One Fell Sweep (Innkeeper Chronicles #3)(56)

“You were married and just had a baby.”

“It’s not an excuse. You’re my little sister. You needed me and I wasn’t there. That’s not what big sisters do.”

“I wasn’t by myself. I had Klaus.”

She swiped moisture from her eyes. “Where is he now?”

“Who knows.” I sighed.

“Do you think he’s in trouble?”

“Klaus? Our Klaus? No. But before he left, he promised me he would come back when he found out something about Mom and Dad. You know how he is.”

“He won’t come back unless he has something.” Maud looked resigned. “Men.”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m here now. Tell me about your werewolf.”

She didn’t say it, but I heard it in her voice. Maud hated to be treated as a victim. She didn’t want any allowances to be made for her. She wanted to be the big sister again. I would meet her halfway.

“I’m… conflicted. And we had a fight.”

“What was the fight about?”

“I expended too much magic shielding myself and him from that thing.” I nodded at the screen. “Afterward Sean wanted to take me straight to the inn and I made him go and get the tank with the Archivarian in it.”

“Define ‘made him.’”

“I cried and asked him to get it.”

“You cried? You?”

“I think I did. I also might have implied that I wouldn’t open the door to the inn without it. At least I intended to imply that. It’s a bit fuzzy. So we went and got the Archivarian from Wilmos’ shop. Now he is upset. He gave me an ultimatum: either I let him do his job or he will take his ball and go. He says he’s a trained killer and I’m not.”

“He has a point. Do you know how he got his training?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“No. It’s not my place to tell.”

She sighed. “Fair enough. I can tell you what I saw tonight. I’ve spent the last few years among professional soldiers, who go to the battlefield because it’s their job. When they kill, they do it efficiently and quickly. When they gather enough training and experience, they do it instinctually, like breathing. They see things in black and white, because shades of gray would kill them, and eventually they no longer agonize over it. They start out from different backgrounds, they have different personalities, they may be human, or vampire, or Otrokar, but sooner or later they all end up in a place where detachment rules. It’s a way for them to survive, because we’re not meant to slaughter other beings week after week.”

She paused.

“Okay,” I said, to say something.

“Your wolf isn’t like these soldiers. He kills, because a part of him needs it. He’s a predator, Dina.”

“You make him sound like a maniac. He doesn’t revel in it.”

“I didn’t say he did. He isn’t cruel. But when he comes to the battlefield, he doesn’t see the enemy. He sees prey. He isn’t detached. He’s all in. Tonight, he punished. He broke their bones, he made them scream, and then he cut off their heads and put them on a pike.”

“He’s been through a lot.”

Maud nodded. “I know. I’m trying to explain something that I feel, and it’s difficult. Despite the way the movies and books make it seem, when you’re out there and someone is trying to kill you, you don’t think. You just act. You kill the enemy as quickly as you can, because that’s your only option. He’s… Not like that. He’s active. He doesn’t surrender to that fight or flight response. I watched him mow through the Draziri. He looked at them for half a second, formulated a plan, and followed it. All of him is fully engaged, even the part that most people shut off.”

“What are you trying to say?”

Maud sighed. “When you came to find me, you picked up Helen. Why?”

“It seemed like a natural thing to do. I could run faster carrying her than she could run alone. I could shield her.”

“The moment you picked her up, neither you nor she could effectively respond to threats. You added fifty pounds to your load. You also robbed her of the only advantage she had: mobility. Helen is fast and good at dodging. She couldn’t dodge while you were carrying her.”

“Well…”

“Yeah.”

She had a point. I didn’t like it, but she was right.

“You made it to the door because, when Sean saw you scooping her up, he started cutting a way for you to get there. He didn’t say anything. He just compensated. Your instincts aren’t always right in a fight, Dina. But his are. Put him into any army, and in a few weeks he’ll be leading it, because professional soldiers would see him fight and know that he would survive. It’s something you feel. It’s a lizard brain thing. If I had a strategy planned and it was the best plan in the world, and he told me to change it, I would, because he has something I don’t. So when you’re in danger and he tells you to follow his lead, you should.”

“I don’t like ultimatums.”

“Neither do I. But he had a reason to give you one. I think he loves you, Dina. He’s afraid of losing you.”

I stared at her.