On Second Thought(32)

April 6, Friday. Eric’s party. Bring wine.

I wondered if the wine we brought was the one Nathan had poured for my refill.

April 6. His last day. His last night.

I paused. Should I write that down? Nathan dies. Should I black out the date? Maybe I could take it out of the calendar altogether.

Here it was. April 5, Thursday.

Nothing. I had nothing in there.

Right, because the movie had been a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. Neither of us felt like cooking or eating out, so we decided to have popcorn for dinner because we could. But what was the movie? I didn’t remember. What a shitty wife I was. Widow. I was a shitty widow. I bet Madeleine would remember, she of the collapsing and wailing.

When I got home, I’d check. I could find it. Then I’d write it down and remember every single thing about our almost nine months together. Nine months, like a pregnancy. And if I wasn’t pregnant right now, someone was going to pay, yes sir. The universe and my higher power owed me big-time.

All of a sudden, I couldn’t even remember his face.

All I could see was the face in the casket, the strange, artificial face. Madeleine breaking down, Eloise comforting her.

My hands started tingling.

My breath sawed in and out of me, and I couldn’t grab it, couldn’t hold it. I was hyperventilating. Hehn-hehn-hehn-hehn.

Maybe I’d faint. Maybe I was dying. In for hehn three, hold hehn for three hehn, out for hehn-hehn three, hold for hehn-hehn-hehn.

It took fifteen minutes to get under control, and by the end, I was sweaty and limp, my arms so weak I could barely grip the steering wheel.

This is your life now.

The thought almost felled me.





Chapter Nine

Ainsley

A couple of weeks after Nathan died, Eric called me at work and told me he was taking me out for dinner. A special dinner, he said. He’d leave work and meet me at Le Monde, Cambry-on-Hudson’s newest restaurant overlooking the Hudson River.

I sensed the proposal was nigh. He’d been edgy all week.

I knew it sounded selfish, picturing that diamond on my finger. But there’d been so much sadness these past few weeks. My heart broke for my sister, and I found myself missing Nathan, even though I hadn’t known him very well, waking up with tears in my eyes before I even knew why I was crying, Ollie licking my face, offering me his ratty blanket.

Eric had been taking it hard, too. It would be awfully nice to have something happy to look forward to, something happy and hopeful.

I hesitated a minute, then picked up the phone and called Kate. I wasn’t sure I was being helpful, but it was better to try than not. I thought so, anyway.

“Hello?” she said, sounding groggy.

“Hi! Did I wake you?”

“Um...yeah. That’s okay. I have to get up anyway.”

There was a pause. In the past three weeks, my sister and I had seen each other more than we had in the past three years. We’d never been on the outs, but we’d never been exactly close, either. After all, I stole her father. It was only because my mom had died that she got him back, and while she never outwardly blamed me for that, I’d been feeling it all my life.

“How’s it going today?” I asked, my voice too bright.

“I’m fine,” she lied.

“Did you call that group yet?” Unable to not do something to help her, I’d Googled some info for her. There was a bereavement group for spouses right here in Cambry-on-Hudson.

“Which group?”

“The, um...the grief group? It might be nice—I mean, good—to talk to other people who...you know.” I always said the wrong thing where Kate was concerned.

“Right. I’ll take another look.”

A quick knock on my cubicle frame. “Ainsley, have you finished that piece on—Oh.”

Jonathan, wearing his resting bitch face. My sister, I mouthed. He hated personal calls at work, but for God’s sake, he himself had tried to resuscitate Nathan. Even Captain Flatline had to let me talk to Kate.

He sighed and went off to bother someone else.

“You should get back to work,” my sister said. “Thanks for checking in, though.”

“Can I do anything for you? Maybe stop by tomorrow?”

“That’s okay. I think I’m going over to Brooke’s.”

Jealousy flashed through me, followed by its twin, shame. I wanted to help. Sean and Perfect Kiara had stayed with her for a few days after Nathan died; Kate and Sean had always been closer, since I was the half sister, and significantly younger. And now there was Brooke, who was suffering, too, of course.

But I wanted desperately to be helpful. I wanted to cook for her, except she said she had too much food. To let her cry on my shoulder...not that I’d seen her crying. I wished I had. Instead, she looked like a little kid left on the side of the highway, terrified and alone.

“So what’s new with you?” she asked. “How’s Ollie?” She had a soft spot for my dog.

“He’s good. If you want to borrow him for a night, just say the word.”

“I might just do that.”

There was another silence. “Hey, I think Eric might propose tonight,” I blurted, then winced. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no, that’s great. That’ll be really nice. I’m happy for you.”