On Her Master's Secret Service (Masters and Mercenaries #4)(77)

Alex’s arms tightened, an anchor keeping her in the present. “Why would you do that, angel? I left two guards with you. They should have opened the door first.”

Alex wasn’t the only one who felt guilty. “I thought it was you or Warren. Tommy even told me not to open the door, but I was so sure that I knew who it was. I just wanted to see you. I was scared. And then I was even more scared when Evans was there. I tried to slam the door in his face, but he kicked at it and I ended up on the floor. He had two of his men with him, and then I heard glass breaking and two more came in from the back. I got Tommy and Leon killed.”

She could still see them as they fought. They managed to take one of Evans’s men but there were too many. They had died in a cascade of bullets, and the last thing she had seen before Evans had shoved a needle in her neck was Tommy, so young. He’d just joined the Bureau and she watched his eyes glass over as he died.

“Eve, you can’t blame yourself.”

Oh, but she could. Every time she ran a hand over her scars, she remembered the two men who had died trying to protect her. None of them had taken it seriously. Not even Alex, really. He’d left a six-pack of beer to pay his buddies back for babysitting his wife. Warren had been the one to insist on the guard. Alex had been so sure that Evans would come after him.

“I should have been more careful.”

“He had four men with him, maybe more. He would have gotten in whether you opened the door or not,” Alex said gravely.

She felt hemmed in. She usually loved to be tied up, felt safe. Though now she realized why she loved it. Because Alex never took his eyes off her when she was tied up. He wouldn’t turn his back on her. She’d gravitated toward more and more hardcore play because it focused Alex’s attention on her. But now it was starting to bother her. She couldn’t move. It felt like the walls were closing in and she was alone. She didn’t need his ropes. She needed him.

“Keep going. I know he raped you.”

“I want out.” She couldn’t be in the rope anymore. She couldn’t. Tears were streaming down her face.

Alex paled, and he was on his feet in a second. He reached into his kit and had a knife in hand. “I’m sorry, angel. I’m so sorry. I won’t make you do this again.”

He cut through the ties that bound her in quick, economical movements, and she was free within seconds. He took a step back, pain plain on his face, but she couldn’t try to soothe him. She needed him.

She threw herself into his arms, wrapping her body around his. She wasn’t satisfied with just hugging him. She jumped on him, curling her legs around him and burying her face in his neck. This was home. She breathed in his scent. This was what she’d missed for so many years. The tears came easily now. She wept into his shoulder.

“He hurt me.” The words didn’t even begin to describe what had happened, but there was more truth in those three words than anything she’d said to him before. He’d hurt her. He’d hurt her so badly, she’d gone into a shell and was only now starting to come out of it.

“I’m so sorry.” He moved with her in his arms. “I love you so much.”

Now that she was being honest, she couldn’t stop herself. “I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to get back to you, but after a few days, I started to wonder.”

He fell onto the bed, his weight coming down on her. She found it comforting. He was still fully clothed, but it didn’t matter. She held on to him because those memories were so close to the surface it felt like she was there again. “What did you wonder about?”

“I wondered if you would want me after what he did.” She closed her eyes because it was the question that had haunted her. “It was awful. It was a complete perversion of everything I loved about us. How did he know? How did he know exactly how to hurt me?”

Evans had taken particular pleasure in hurting her with the toys she’d always loved. He’d called her a pervert and a whore as he’d beaten and whipped her. He’d told her she asked for it by going to their club. He hadn’t understood at all. Alex would never have harmed her. What she and Alex had was a delicate dance of trust and love and pleasure.

“I wish I could have taken that pain for you. I don’t know how you made it through.” His voice was tortured, but he kissed her. He kissed his way down the scar on her neck. He didn’t let go. He didn’t pull away.

She let her arms tighten. It was safe to talk now. “I made it through because you were there with me. I closed my eyes and I pretended you were there. I went crazy. I started to see you when he would walk in and I would go somewhere else in my mind. I played back our sweet times in my head.”

“I was with you.” He whispered into her ears, his words achingly sweet. “I was with you. I knew you were in pain, and do you know what I wanted more than anything?”

“What?” She was sure he had wanted it to all go away.

“I wanted you alive. I prayed, angel. I prayed that you could take that pain and make your way back to me. I wanted nothing more than to be able to hold you like this. Just f*cking like this. I love you. I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you long after we’re dead and gone. I love you, and I made the biggest mistake of my life when you came back to me. I should have danced and praised the f*cking universe, and all I could do was give in to my guilt. Forgive me.”