On Her Master's Secret Service (Masters and Mercenaries #4)(52)

But they couldn’t. They had been trying for five years. “We’re different human beings now. I’ve changed on a fundamental level, and I hate that. I don’t think I can find a new me until we stop trying to get back to a place that doesn’t exist anymore. I’m going to stand beside you now, but when this is over, I’m leaving and I’m going to wish you all the best in the world because you deserve it. You deserve the woman who can be everything you need her to be. Someone whole.”

She’d been unkind for years because the only way she could keep him was to bind him to her with a contract that was a sort of half-life where they could pretend to still be together, where the past was still between them like a tantalizing dream of what once was.

But it couldn’t be again, and she had to let go. She’d accused Alex of not letting go, but she’d been holding the same broken pieces, too. She’d held them hard and fast despite the fact that she was bleeding every minute of the day.

The only way to move on was to let go. She’d been an anchor around his neck, dragging him down, taking what should have been the best years of his life.

His hands moved to her waist, his forehead settling against hers, and she felt the soft drop of his tears on her cheeks. They mingled there with the ones she shed, a final proof that once they’d been together.

She lifted her face, the moonlight illuminating him, showing her the pain in his eyes. The sound of the ocean was a bittersweet irony. They had begun their marriage on an island paradise, and they’d made love on the beach and watched the sun come up. She’d looked out and the ocean had seemed as endless as her love for him. The waves never ended, their potential infinite, and she and Alex had seemed the same way.

Her love was still there, but their potential had died in a fury of blood and pain and guilt. They were shattered. Nothing could take them back to a time when they weren’t, and she’d finally realized that if she loved him, she had to let him go.

She brought her nose to his, rubbing their skin together. When they’d been happy, they would lie together in bed for hours, just cuddling and exploring and touching. They would laugh and talk and end up making love, but not until they had teased each other into a frenzy. Most couples they had known would go home and watch TV together, but Eve and Alex had shed their clothes the minute the door was closed, and they had spent those precious hours naked and wrapped around each other.

She knew his body better than her own, knew every muscle, every hollow and valley and inch of his skin. She knew that kissing the back of his knees got him hard and he hated having his feet tickled. She knew how strong his heart was and how when he’d loved her, she’d been the queen of the world.

And whomever he loved next would be the luckiest woman on the planet.

“Don’t leave me, Eve.” His mouth hovered above hers. The heat of his body warmed her.

“We have to. We’re not the same people. I’m not the woman you loved. Please, Alex. Let me go. It hurts too much. I want what we had, but I can’t have it. We can’t be those kids who were wildly in love and knew they could take on the world. I’m still in so much pain. Staying in this place, wishing for what I can’t have, it’s an ache inside me.”

“Angel.” His breath hitched. His hands shook as he touched her face, cupping her cheeks and looking into her eyes. “I don’t want you to ache. I love you so f*cking much. I never thought you were dirty. You were always innocent, and I’m so sorry I failed you. I f*cking failed you and that was the last thing I wanted to do.”

“Let it go.” She could barely talk, but she forced the words out. This was the last gift she could give him. His freedom. “Please, let it go. You want to know how you can make me happy? You can be happy, baby. You can let go of all this pain and I will, too, and we can start over. We won’t be together, but we can let go of those kids we were. They died. And we can mourn them, and we can try to find the new people we are. Please. Let go.”

“I love you, Eve.” His lips brushed hers, tears flowing freely now.

Soft, sweet. He pressed his mouth against hers and they held for a moment. Eve let it wash over her, memorizing every second. His hands moved to her hair, gently tangling there as he pulled her closer.

She hugged him to her, wishing this moment never had to stop. They could stay here. They could stay suspended in this moment and they wouldn’t have to move forward. They wouldn’t have to find new lives.

Please let it all stop right here. Let this be it. Forever. Forever with his lips on mine and our hearts beating in time. Alex and Eve. Together.

But time didn’t stop. It never did. No matter how she prayed and fought and tried to force the world to stand still, it just kept moving.

Alex broke the kiss, his arms wrapping around her, holding her so tight she could feel his heart pounding. “Will you let me hold you tonight? No sex. Just let me hold you. Let me say good-bye.”

She nodded. He wouldn’t kiss her again. God. Somehow she hadn’t thought this kiss would be their last. How could it be over? And yet she knew it had to be. And she owed him a night of everything she’d denied him for five years. “I’ll hold you, too.”

He took her hand and led her back to bed.

She clung to him, praying the dawn would never come.





Chapter Eight


Eve could hear the group talking in the kitchen. Sean said something in a low tone and Adam laughed. A feminine voice groaned, and Alex told them all to be serious.