No in Between (Inside Out #4)(26)

“Because you say you were a dickhead or because Chris says you were?” I challenge.

“Both,” he replies.

I give him a nod. “Then it’s unanimous.”

“Yeah well, I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. I get passionate about what I do.” He grabs his briefcase. “And right now, I’m going to go do my job and compare case notes with Tiger. I can promise you he won’t be ripping this dickhead’s throat out.”

“You’re meeting with Mark’s attorney?”

“That’s right, sugar.” He winks and holds his hands up. “Don’t throw anything at me. I’m joking. No more sugar. I’ll stick to cutie or doll face in the future.” He glances at Chris. “I’ll call you in the morning with an update.”

“Call me tonight,” Chris says.

“It’ll be late,” David warns.

“That’s fine.” Chris motions to the table. “I got the food tonight.”

David grins. “Like I’d have it any other way.” He moves to the curtain and gives me another keen, unwelcome inspection. “You haven’t said much. That makes me nervous.”

“That’s the caffeine,” I counter.

He snorts out laughter and glances at Chris. “Witty, isn’t she?”

“Too much for her own good sometimes.” David grunts for no apparent reason and then disappears through the curtain.

Chris tosses money onto the table. “Let’s go, too.”

? ? ?

Chris and I chat with Marco as we collect our jackets, and the way Chris finds every opportunity to touch me makes me smile in ways that reach beyond the laughter his and Marco’s easy rapport sparks in me. When we finally step out into the chilly evening air, it’s hand in hand, an erotic charge in the connection of our skin, even in the air we breathe. But he doesn’t speak and he’s stopped looking at me and I know why. This is part of the anticipation of what comes next. He’s promised punishment. He will punish me. And just as he’d predicted, I crave the answer to what comes next. And while I normally welcome the sight of Jacob in our lobby, tonight I’m pleased to find his replacement is satisfied with a lift of our hands in greeting.

Once we’re in the elevator, Chris surprises me by letting go of me, punching in our floor, and then leaning on the wall. I take his lead and lean on the opposite wall. “You were late,” he reminds me. “You know what that means.”

“Yes. You told me.”

“What did I say?”

“That you’re going to punish me.”

“How?”

“Spank me again.”

“Yes,” he agrees. “I am.” But there is something about the way he says it that tells me this is not going to be “just” a spanking, if there is such a thing. It’s going to be more. It’s going to push my limits.

The doors slide open to reveal our apartment and Chris punches the button to hold it open, but his eyes stay on me. “Go into the living room and undress, and then sit on the couch.”

My lips part at the surprising command. “You want me to—”

“Yes,” he says, his tone firm. “I do.”

“And so I will,” I say. “And you know why?” I move across the elevator and slip my hands under his jacket to rest on the hard wall of his chest. “Because it’s not a lack of trust that I have in you, and that you think you see in me, Chris. It’s your lack of trust in you that scares me.” I start to pull away, but his fingers twine in my hair and he kisses me, deeply, possessively, so damn thoroughly that I’m reeling when it’s over.

“Go undress,” he orders, saying nothing in reply to my confession, and making none of his own.

I want to push him for something in reply, anything really, but the elevator isn’t the place. I zip out of the doorway and all but run through the foyer and down the stairs. I begin undressing, the moonlight and stars filtering through the floor-to-ceiling windows, casting the room and me in a soft glow. Stealing a sideways look, hoping to catch a glimpse of Chris, I do not see him, but music begins to play and I recognize the song as “Madness” by Muse. Aware that Chris makes every choice with a purpose, I listen to the words.

I, I can’t get these memories out of my mind.

And some kind of madness has started to evolve.

Mmmm. And I, I tried so hard to let you go.

Swallowing hard, I know he’s connecting the meaning of this song to the war he wages daily against his inner demons, and to his fight to protect me from the person he believes they make him.

More of the words repeat into my mind. And Now I need to know is this real love, or is it just madness keeping us afloat. He’s telling me he’s afraid I won’t love him if I fully know him. It’s always there between us. He’s fighting it now for me, and for us, and it matters. It matters so very much.

I finish undressing, and then claim a spot in the center of the brown leather couch. Before me is a sea of stars dotting the black canvas of the sky, and I am reminded of the first night I’d come here, when I’d been enamored with the brilliant artist, unwilling to see him as more. We’ve come so far since then, and yet I feel as if we still have barriers to hurdle. And I want them hurdled.