Never Let You Go(51)

“It’s a side effect of sobriety.” He shrugs. “When your entire life goes to hell, you have to start laughing or you’ll end up hanging yourself with your bedsheet in your cell.” He picks up a piece of wrapping paper that has fallen onto the floor, smooths one edge over and over.

“Did you want to die?” I say in a hushed voice.

He nods. “I didn’t know how I was going to get through ten years in there, and I hated myself for a long time for what I did to you and your mother. What I did to her.…”

For a moment I think he’s still talking about Mom, then I realize he means the woman he killed. He can’t even say her name.

“You mean Elizabeth.”

He looks at me. “Yeah. Elizabeth Sanders.” He gives his head a shake, fiddles with the paper. “But I couldn’t go out without a fight. I had to prove to everyone that I could change.”

“I think you’ve changed.”

He meets my eyes and smiles. “Yeah?”

Now I feel shy, like I’ve admitted too much, and my face is hot. I want to say something to break the moment, to remind him that I’m still angry and he isn’t forgiven yet, but I can’t seem to bring those feelings back. I have to get out of here. I glance at my phone. “Delaney is picking me up in a couple of minutes. I should meet her at the end of the driveway.”

“You guys doing anything fun this weekend?”

We’re going to a party tomorrow.” It’s weird that I can be so honest with him. Mom thinks I’m hanging out with Delaney because there’s a Christmas movie we really want to see. She was okay with me missing her party, but she’d freak if she knew I was skipping it to go to a different one.

He raises his eyebrows. “A party? Will there be alcohol?”

“I don’t know, maybe. But Delaney doesn’t drink and drive.” I realize what I said the instant the words are out of my mouth. How could I have been so stupid?

He gives me that crooked smile and says, “If you need a ride or the weather turns bad, give me a call. My truck is good in the snow.”

“Okay. Thanks.” When I stand up, he rises too, and we walk toward the door.

“Thanks for coming over,” he says as I put on my boots.

“Thanks for dinner.” He’s standing close and I’m not sure if he wants to hug me, but I don’t feel ready, so I quickly push the door open and step out.

“Sophie,” he says. “Can I ask you something?”

I turn back. “Yeah?” I brace, worried he’s going to say something about Mom.

“I’d like to buy you a car.”

“You serious?”

“You’re going to school soon, and you shouldn’t have to ride your bike in bad weather or beg for rides from friends.” I don’t like how he’s saying it, but a car would be amazing. Then I think about Mom, her old beat-up Mazda that she’s been driving forever.

“I don’t know.… I like riding my bike.”

“I know it’s a lot, but after everything I’ve done I just want to feel like I’m contributing to your future somehow.”

“Can I think about it?” I wish Delaney would pull up so I could leap into her car. It’s snowing again and flakes are landing on my eyelashes. I blink them away.

He nods, and stares up at the sky, watching the flakes come down. Then he turns to me again. “Good night, kiddo.” He gives a little wave and closes the door.



Delaney is so excited about going to Jared’s, she changes her outfit three times while I wait on her bed, scrolling through my phone and trying not to be nervous. Finally she settles on denim skinny jeans and a light blue sweater, which looks really good with her brown hair and pale skin. I’m wearing my favorite patterned leggings—the ones with tiny fish—and a purple striped sweater tunic and green scarf. I don’t usually like a lot of makeup, but tonight I’ve used lavender eye shadow and a neutral pink-toned lip gloss that works with my hair.

“You look pretty,” Delaney says. “Are you excited about seeing Jared?” I told her about our conversation, how he said he liked me.

“Not really. I’m only going for you.”

She laughs. “Sure.” I can feel my face getting hot, but I don’t want to get into an argument. I can’t really explain my feelings anyway. Part of me is excited, but the other part is still suspicious, wondering what this is all about and why he’s being so nice all of a sudden.

When we arrive at Jared’s and Delaney parks the car, we both sit still, just staring at the house. “Holy crap,” I say. “It’s huge.” I’ve never been inside a house like this and I’m really curious, but I also have the urge to tell Delaney to drive us away, we don’t belong here. Even Delaney, who’s usually pretty brave, isn’t making a move to get out of the car. We’re both staring at the three-car garage, the huge cedar beams at the front, the circular driveway. I only see two other cars and recognize one of them from school. It belongs to Jared’s friend Brandon.

“It’s like Barbie’s dream house,” Delaney says, and we both start to laugh.

“Let’s do this,” I say.

Jared opens the front door with a smile and invites us inside. He seems happy to see me, and touches my arm when he introduces me to his friends, who are sitting on a big leather sectional in the living room watching a movie on an enormous flat-screen TV. There are only three guys and a couple of girls. I know that one of the girls is dating Brandon. Delaney settles on the couch beside Matthew, the guy she likes, and immediately starts talking to him.