Never Let You Go(35)

Maybe next time it would be a shove into the furniture, or he’d knock me down the stairs—something he could blame on me. But how soon before he slapped or punched me? Or broke a bone? How soon before he lost all control and choked me again?

Chris came around the front of his truck, took the rake out of my hands, and started scraping it on the ground, adding leaves to my pile. I flashed to us doing this when we were children, seeing who could build the biggest pile. Hurricane would pounce in the middle and we’d have to start all over again. I thought about Blaze. How much I’d wanted Sophie to grow up with a dog.

I turned away, scrabbling with my hands at a walnut half buried in the dirt. I didn’t want Chris to see me cry. I took some breaths, tossed the walnut into the wheelbarrow.

“The squirrels bury these everywhere,” I said. “Crows drop them onto the roof and I can hear them rolling down all day and night. They clog the gutters. Drives Andrew crazy.”

“I called him last night to wish him a happy birthday and see about stopping over. He said he was out with Sophie and that you had a headache. Must have been a pretty bad one.”

I blinked a couple of times, fighting to keep calm. He knew something was going on. I glanced back at him over my shoulder. “It was a sinus headache. I took a couple of Advil and went straight to bed. Andrew was sweet about it.”

“Good.” He was looking into my eyes, not letting me break the hold. “I’ve been wondering if things are okay with you two.”

“Of course.” I wanted to tear away the scarf, wanted to show him the bruises and beg for his help, but I made myself smile. “Everything’s great.”

“You seem different when he’s around. Like you’re tense or stressed about something.”

I stood up, brushed my hands off. “I’m probably just tired. We’re okay, really.”

“You know you can tell me what’s going on, right? I won’t say anything to Andrew.”

“There’s nothing to tell.” I shrugged. “I’m happy.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Lindsey. You don’t smile anymore, not the same way. And you don’t do anything with your friends, or go anywhere. You used to have lots of goals. What happened to you going to school? It’s like you’ve given up on everything and Andrew is your whole life.”

“I have a child now. Things have changed.”

“Come on. That’s an excuse. Some of your friends have kids and I see them around. They ask about you. Samantha told me you never call anymore.”

He wasn’t going to believe that everything was perfect. I looked down the driveway, then back at him. “We’re going through a rough patch, but we’re working things out. Sophie needs him,” I said. “He loves her so much, and he’s good to her.”

“You can’t stay with him just for Sophie.”

“There are other reasons. You don’t understand.”

“Other reasons? Like what?”

I grabbed the rake from his hands, scraped it hard against the dirt, and kept my head lowered. “I really need to finish this.”

“You’re worried about Dad? He can get disability because of his shoulder. He hasn’t applied because Andrew told him that he needed him too much.”

I spun around. “I can’t leave, okay? I’m married. I made a commitment.” I didn’t realize I was touching my throat until I saw Chris watching, his eyes narrowed. I dropped my hand. “You should get back to work. Andrew will wonder where you’ve gone.”

“Why are you so scared of him?”

I shook my head mutely. The tears were too close. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t scared, I was fine, I didn’t need his help, but I was afraid I’d break down if I tried to speak.

“Does he hurt you? Is that it?”

I dropped the rake and walked away, heading toward the house. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t look him in the face and tell him that my husband had choked me. He grabbed my arm.

“Lindsey, stop. Talk to me.”

The sobs were building in my throat, strangling me. I didn’t want to cry. If I started, I might not be able to stop. I covered my face. He grabbed my shoulders, looked into my eyes.

“You have to tell me. You have to protect Sophie.”

“Don’t you get it?” I was almost yelling, the pain and grief desperate to come out. “That’s what I’m trying to do! He’ll take her away. He has all the money—everything.”

“I’ll help you find a lawyer. Someone good.”

I laughed bitterly. “You still don’t get it. He almost killed me last night.” I grabbed the scarf, unwound it from my neck, and pointed to my bruises.

It took a second for him to react, then his whole body erupted with rage. His face reddened, his fists clenched, and all the tendons in his neck were sticking out like a bull about to charge.

“That f*cking *. I’m going to beat the shit out of him.”

Now I was the one grabbing his arm. “You can’t tell him you know. He’ll hurt me again.”

“Jesus, Lindsey.” He ran his hands through his hair, white-blond like mine. He looked older, suddenly—he was a man. Not my little brother anymore. “Maybe we should tell Dad.”