Never Let You Go(19)

So, for this part I’m supposed to tell you how I feel when I think about you. Sometimes I feel sad, but I’m mostly still really angry at you for drinking and driving that night. I think about that woman all the time. She was trying to get home to her family and now she’s dead. After you were arrested, we had to move all over the place and Mom worked two jobs. I hardly ever saw her and I didn’t have a dad anymore. Now it’s been so long. Eleven years. That’s more than half my life. You’ve missed everything. I don’t even know who you are now.

I don’t know what else to say.

Sophie

That’s how it started. I got that assignment and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to tell my dad how he ruined our lives. I talked it over with Delaney, the only one who knows about my dad. It’s bad enough that everyone knows my mom has a cleaning business. She cleans for some of their parents. I mean, how weird is that? My mom makes their beds and scrubs their toilets. I helped her clean in the summer and it was disgusting. I hated how some owners stuck around while we worked and went about their lives, giving us apologetic smiles, like they’re just too busy or too important to clean up their own messes. I want her to get a different job, like in an office or something, but she says she prefers working for herself.

Delaney thought it was a cool idea to write my dad and agreed that she’d be my drop-off point. She mailed the letter for me, and I used her address in case he wanted to write back.

Two weeks later I got a letter.

May 29, 2016

Dear Sophie,



The best day of my life since I’ve been in prison is when I got your letter. I must have read it six times already. You have every reason to hate me, but I hope you can find it in your heart to give me another chance. I’m not the same person. You’re right, I have missed everything. I can’t believe you’re almost eighteen.

Your mom didn’t want you to visit me until I got myself together, and she was right, but I want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you. It’s taken me a long time to accept responsibility for my actions and I’m sorry I haven’t been a good father to you. I was just so full of anger for so long, I couldn’t see my way clear of it all. But then something happened in here and I hurt someone again. He jumped me and I was defending myself, but it didn’t matter. I realized if I didn’t straighten up, I might never get to see you again.

I go to AA meetings and I’ve been working the twelve steps and trying to make amends to all the people I hurt. I’m truly sorry for the pain I’ve caused everybody, and I know I let you down. I wish a million times over that I’d never driven drunk that night. I can’t go back in time, but I’m trying really hard to make a positive difference with the rest of my life.

I go to a support group in here. They teach us anger management and how to talk about our emotions so they don’t build up inside. For years I couldn’t handle all my bad feelings because of what happened to me when I was a kid. I guess I never really got over my dad leaving and my mom dying. So then I was always scared your mom would leave me too. But I screwed up and lost you both. I’m not making excuses. I’m just hoping you can maybe understand a little.

Do you remember the boat we built together? I know I messed that up too and I’m really sorry. I remember every single time I screwed up and I know it would take me a lifetime to make it all up to you, but I’m willing to give it a try. Sometimes when I can’t sleep at night because it’s so noisy in here, I work out plans for a new boat and think about how we could build it together and take it out on the lake when I get released. I never got to teach you how to fish.

Maybe that doesn’t seem like much, but when you were born, it was one of the things I really wanted to do with you, but then I was drinking too much for all those years and it just never happened. I forgot about a lot of things, but I never stopped loving you.

I’ve got to get to work now. I have a job in here, managing the tool room. It passes the time and some of the men are okay. I also read a lot and I’ve taken some classes, but I’m looking forward to getting out soon. I know you might not want to write me back, but it would mean a lot to me if you did. I want to hear about you. Do you still like to draw?

Your dad

By the time I was done reading the letter, my throat was tight and my face hot. I felt empty and headachy. It was too much. I hadn’t thought about that boat in years. We’d sanded and painted for days, but then it sat with a tarp over it for months. Now I remembered how it felt standing beside him while we worked, learning how to use the different grains of sanding paper, our hands grimy and rough, the oily smell of the paint. I tucked the letter under my dresser.

That night after Mom was in bed, I went to my room and started sketching. I began with an enchanted forest, trees with leaves and flowers twining around, but then in the middle I drew a pond with our boat and there was a little girl and her father sitting together with fishing poles and frogs jumping all around them. I folded it up and stuffed it in an envelope and gave it to Delaney the next morning so she could mail it to him. After that, we started writing weekly.

Today he’s flying over to Dogwood Bay from the island to see me. Our first visit in eleven years. I’m going to see my father. Which is so crazy I barely slept last night and I have big dark shadows under my eyes that I had to layer makeup over and then use more eyeliner than normal, so I can pretend I’m going for the smoky look. Maybe Mom will be so distracted by my new style she won’t notice that I’m way too excited for school.