Never Let You Go(111)

“That’s really cool, Mom.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand. Feeling her smooth fingers in mine reminds me of something.

“I almost forgot. I brought you these,” I say, taking a small velvet box out of my purse and passing it to her. “It’s my engagement and wedding rings. I thought you might want them.”

“Really?” Her voice is awed as she opens the box. “I wasn’t sure if you kept them.”

“Of course.” I reach out and touch the engagement ring. I had the rings cleaned and they look shiny against the black velvet. “I was so happy when he gave me this.”

She looks at me. “Do you still hate him?”

“No.” I smile at her. “I don’t hate him.” I touch her face, tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear like I used to when she was little. “How could I? He gave me you.”

“That’s true. I am pretty awesome.” Her voice is teasing, but her eyes are overly bright, like she’s trying not to cry.

“Well, you have a pretty awesome mom—and a dad who loved you a lot.”

Her face turns sad. “He wasn’t lying, Mom. He was trying to protect us.”

“I know, honey. I think about what might have happened if I’d just given him a chance to explain. But he’d be happy to know the truth came out in the end. He never let you down. It was important to him that you knew how much he loved you—and it’s okay that you loved him. I really loved him once too. Your father wasn’t evil. He was just broken.”

She closes the box and holds it against her heart with a smile. I pull her closer and rest my cheek against hers, inhale her fresh scent. I think about that night so many years ago when I leaned over her bed, whispered in her ear, and stole her away from her father. I think about how she asked me if I would have done anything differently, and I finally know the answer. No. I had to take that risk. I had to run away. If I’d lost Sophie, I’d have lost everything. I’m truly at peace now, I realize, remembering Andrew. He was searching so hard to find forgiveness, and so was I. But I’ve found it. It was with me all along.





CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN


SOPHIE

DECEMBER 2017

Dear Mom,



Okay, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing you an actual letter and not an email, or maybe you’re thinking, “Why didn’t she just pick up the phone? She doesn’t call home enough!” I do! I call all the time but you’re never there. Seriously, Mom. Stay home once in a while. You’re having more fun than me. Don’t you know you’re supposed to be spending all your nights making healthy food for my freezer? Just kidding. I’m glad you’re happy.

Time for the real stuff. When I sent that letter to Dad last year, I didn’t lie. It really was a school project. It was supposed to be to someone who had the most impact on us. But I should have written it to you. You did so much for me, raising me all on your own. I always knew you loved me, more than anything, no matter what. Maybe that’s why I was a smartass sometimes. Okay, okay. More than a few times. I just knew you wouldn’t leave me.

When anything happens, bad or good, you’re the first person I want to tell. I want you to be proud of me, proud of my choices, proud that I’m your daughter. Because I’m so proud that you’re my mother. You’re the bravest woman I know, which kind of sucks sometimes because you’re a lot to live up to. But I’m going to try my best.

Mostly I just want you to know that I’m okay. I really am!! I know sometimes I’ve said I was and maybe I wasn’t all the way there yet, but it’s different now. It’s like the air and everything feels better, lighter or something. Even my food tastes better (send more!).

I know that you feel bad sometimes, guilty or whatever, like maybe you think you messed me up or damaged me somehow, but you didn’t. I think all my best, strongest parts have come from you. I might look like Dad on the outside, but on the inside, I’m all you.

Thank you, Mom. Thank you a million times over for loving me and letting me love my dad and for telling me how much you used to love him too. It helps, knowing that when you had me, you were truly happy. I didn’t want to be a mistake! Ha. Thank you for pushing me and encouraging me and letting me explore the world. Thank you for being so cool about Jared. But, and this is my BIG secret, don’t let me go just yet, okay? I still need you. Like water.

Love always and always,

Sophie





ACKNOWLEDGMENTS


As usual, I have so many people to thank, but I’d like to start with two wonderful friends who held me together during the process of writing this book, Carla Buckley and Robin Spano. You ladies make me laugh on the good days and understand on the bad days, and I really couldn’t have done it without you.

Jen Enderlin, my editor at St. Martin’s Press, who teaches me something new about writing, and about life, with every book. The fantastic Sally Richardson, Lisa Senz, Nancy Trypuc, Kim Ludlam, Brant Janeway, Elizabeth Catalano, Katie Bassel, Kristopher Kam, Caitlin Dareff, and the entire Broadway and Fifth Avenue sales force. Thanks again to Dave Cole and Ervin Seranno. In Canada, many thanks to Jamie Broadhurst, Fleur Mathewson, and the wonderful group at Raincoast.

Mel Berger, my agent now for over eight years, and the first person in the publishing world to believe in me. I can’t imagine ever working with anyone else. My gratitude also to David Hinds, Simon Trewin, Anna DeRoy, Erin Conroy, Tracy Fisher, Laura Bonner, Raffaella DeAngelis, Annemarie Blumenhagen, Covey Crolius, and the rest of the team at William Morris Endeavor Entertainment in New York and L.A.