Never Giving Up (Never #3)(39)
I slowly took a step towards him, trying to gauge how he would react to me. He didn’t move away, so I took another step towards him.
“I’m not going to try and convince you that I’m fine, because I’m not. I’m changed. Altered. Different. But I’m not broken. I might have been, for a little while, but I’ve managed to put myself back together. You helped me with that, Porter. You helped me find the pieces of myself I thought I’d lost and helped me put them together again. But the same way you won’t sit by and watch me fall apart, I won’t sit by and let you blame yourself for this.”
I took another step towards him. We were just feet from each other now.
“Two very terrible men are responsible for this, not you. Not in any way is this your fault. To hear you tell me that you feel that way almost hurts worse than anything either of them did to me.” I swallowed, closing the distance between us, only inches now. “I can do this, Porter. I can walk into that courtroom and tell everyone who can hear me what that man did to me. I can do that. I need to do that.” I reached up and cupped his face, rubbing my thumb across his cheek. “But I need you more. I need you to be there, being strong for me, supporting me. I can’t tell you how much I need you.”
“I’ll always be here for you,” he whispered, leaning into my hand. “But sometimes, it seems like that’s not enough.”
“What do you mean?”
His hands found his hair again and I watched as his face gave away all the emotions he was feeling: angry and sad. “You’ve suffered so much, Ella, and I haven’t been able to take any of your suffering away. These men, Jason and Kyle, they’ve hurt you in ways that I can’t fix.”
“They’ve hurt us both, Porter. I hate that our relationship centers around you trying to keep the baby and me safe, or that you have to worry if I’ve got a guard with me, or if I can handle a testimony. I want us both to be happy, to be free of this dark cloud that’s been shrouding us for so long. The best and easiest way to end this, for good, is for me to testify. I want to sit in that chair and look Jason Ramie in the eye and tell him what he’s done to me. I want a jury to hear about my anxiety, the amnesia, everything that has happened because of his actions. He deserves to hear it and I deserve the opportunity to tell my side of the story.”
Porter’s hands fell to his sides and he let out a long and exasperated breath. Then he reached for me, and I felt my body relax into his chest and his lips kiss the top of my head. “I hadn’t thought about it that way.” I felt him breathe me in and his arms fell around me, cinching around my waist. “You do deserve that. I’ll support you one hundred percent.”
Porter would always support me, but his concerns about me testifying were the same concerns my whole family had, which is why my mom had the worried look across her face as she sat across the couch from me.
“You’re still going to testify?” She asked me with hopeful eyes, obviously wanting my answer to have changed since the last time we spoke about it.
“I am. If I didn’t testify and he was found innocent, there’s no way I could live with myself. He needs to pay for what he did and I will do whatever I can to make sure that happens.”
My mother nodded her head and placed a hand on my knee. “I understand, Ella. I just want you to be healthy.”
“I’ve never felt healthier,” I said with a smile, rubbing my belly. “I think I’m going to walk around for a bit until I’m forced to sit in a chair for too long.” I got up and offered to help Megan with any last minute preparations. In no time at all, guests arrived, cake was cut, and gifts were opened. Women near and dear to me spent a good hour oohing and awing over tiny little baby outfits, all of which made my heart swell just a little more with excitement about someday soon having a tiny little baby to put in all of them. I heard many complaints about the difficulty of buying gender-neutral gifts, but brushed them off knowing that everyone was just excited to meet the little baby.
When the men returned from their golfing trip, I was caught off guard by Porter’s grim expression.
“What’s the matter? Couldn’t Patrick teach you how to not suck?” I asked, running a hand through the hair at the nape of his neck.
“The lawyer called while I was out.”
“On a Saturday?”
“Yes, on a Saturday. We pay him a lot of money so I’m ok with him working on the weekends.”
“Ok,” I muttered, completely caught off guard by his grumpiness. “What did he want?”
Porter exhaled loudly, running his hand through his hair. “The defense attorney wants you to come in for a deposition.” His eyes drifted towards the floor, not willing to make contact with mine.
“Hey,” I said gently as I hooked my finger under his chin, urging him to look at me. When his eyes found mine I smiled, hoping to bring him out of his funk just a little. “We knew this was coming. Everything is going to be ok. I promise, I can handle this.”
“It goes against every instinct I have to let you walk into a room where people are waiting to hurt you.” His eyes never left mine, but I watched them go from desperate to angry.
“They don’t have the power to hurt me, Porter. I am the one in control of the situation.” I ran my hand up and down his bicep, again, trying any trick I could think of to get his mind off of the trial. “Do you want to look at all the adorable baby things we get to take home?”