Never Giving Up (Never #3)(17)
“Yeah, I’m ok.”
“Ella, it’s ok if you’re not. We can just go home and tell them another day.”
I shook my head. “No, I want to tell them tonight. I’m fine.” I wasn’t fine, but I would be. I wouldn’t let this control me. I couldn’t.
The past few days were a roller coaster. Ella was up and down. She was constantly trying to pretend like she was ok, but I knew she wasn’t. The dream she’d had at Poppy really dragged her down and she struggled. I could feel it.
She’d put on a brave face for her parents that evening, and I loved her even more for it. Watching her mom and dad realize they were going to be grandparents was an awesome moment. She held my hand and slid the ultrasound picture across the table to her mother over dessert. Her mom looked at the picture, then looked up at Ella, and must have looked back and forth a hundred times before she finally muttered a frantic, “Is this what I think it is?” Tears were in Susan’s eyes as well as Ella’s and all Ella could do was nod her head, lip trembling, chin quivering. I looked at her dad and he looked like someone had told him he’d won a million dollars—pure joy and elation.
Her parents stood and hugged us both, her dad holding on to her for so long I wondered if he’d ever let her go.
It was perfect.
Then her mom took her into the office and they started looking at nursery decoration ideas on some website about thumbtacks or some such nonsense. It was a distraction for Ella—one that, at that moment, she’d desperately needed.
We both arrived in Lincoln City late the night before and went straight to bed. When I woke it was to sunlight streaming into the large windows that faced the ocean. The room was bathed in soft white light, but even the sunshine couldn’t remove the dark circles that were painted under Ella’s eyes. She looked exhausted even as she slept. She hadn’t mentioned having any more nightmares, but it was obvious the sleep she was getting wasn’t doing her much good.
I rolled towards her, completely satisfied to just take her in, to watch her in a state a peacefulness. To see her relaxed was something of a rare occurrence these days. My eyes moved over the blonde hair fanned out across her pillow, the way her hands were tightly tucked in under her cheek, the way her shoulders moved with every breath she took in.
I must have dozed off because I startled when I felt something move against my face. I opened my eyes and met her dazzling blue ones. Her hand ran along my jaw, smoothing over the roughness of my skin, unshaved for a few days now.
“Did you wake up to watch me sleep?” She asked, a knowing smile on her face.
“How did you know?”
“You usually sleep facing the window.” She shrugged. “Just a good guess.” She moved towards me and I opened my arms for her, breathing in her vanilla scent as she pressed her body into my chest. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her in even closer. “You’re worried about me, aren’t you?” She said after a few moments of warm silence.
“I always worry about you,” I said as I smoothed my hand over her golden hair. “But yes, I’m worried about you. And about the baby.” I felt her press her face into the space between my shoulder and neck, her breath moving over my skin sent goose bumps along my arms. “Will you talk to me? Are you having more nightmares?” I felt her mumble something into my neck, making me chuckle at her playfulness. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
She moved away slightly and I heard her take in a breath. “I’ve had one or two nightmares in the last couple days, but I’m not sure it’s the nightmares that are taking the biggest toll on me.” She paused and moved back even farther, her eyes finding mine. “All day long I find myself thinking about the shooter, wondering where he is, worrying that he’s going to come back or somehow find me.” She rolled farther from me and her hands came to rub up and down her face. I sat quietly and waited for more from her. I knew she wasn’t finished. Her hands finally came to rest above her head on her pillow and she looked over at me.
“How long will this last? How long will I have to spend my days fearing someone I can’t even remember fully? It doesn’t seem fair. I’ve had my life turned upside down because of this man: we’ve had our lives turned upside down, I’ve lost my memory, been hospitalized, and dealt with so much emotional baggage due to him, and yet he still haunts me. He was in front of me for all of forty-five seconds but he altered my life in an immeasurable way.” Her hand came up to wipe away one single tear. My girl was trying so hard to be strong. I saw her strength every day and knew she didn’t give herself enough credit.
“Hey, Babe,” I said, pulling her back into me, her face just inches from mine. “He’s got absolutely no reason to come back for you, none. He was more than likely just some homeless kid who wanted to make a buck. He doesn’t know who you are. He doesn’t care. You’ve got every right to be angry, but every reason to try and take back your life.”
“What if the nightmares never go away? What if I have to spend the rest of my life battling someone who isn’t even here?”
I could hear her voice edging on the precipice of panic. I would always do everything I could to make her feel safe, but I couldn’t be inside of her head, as much as I’d like to be sometimes. Even if she looked fine on the outside, she could be waging a war on the inside and no one would ever be the wiser.