Never Doubt Me: Judge Me Not #2(73)

So I turn away from Kay and supply the answer to her question regarding my well-being. “My priority is to keep you safe. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

I may not, but I don’t dare voice my suspicion.

I resume throwing clothes into the open suitcase on the bed, and from behind me, I hear Kay say, “But I do worry, Chase. How can I not?”

When I refuse to turn around, only because I am striving to remain resolute in my decision, she threatens, “Maybe I’ll just buy a ticket on my own. I have a credit card, you know?”

“You told me you only use it for emergencies,” I snap.

“And this doesn’t qualify?” she asks, incredulous.

I stop throwing clothes into the suitcase, pause with a T-shirt in my grasp. Kay is determined, and there’s a good chance she’ll follow through on what she’s proposing to do. It’s clear to me that she is not going to back off unless I take drastic action.

Unfortunately, I know what it’s going to take to subdue Kay. I don’t like it. It’s going to require me to do something I absolutely do not want to do—push her away. And there’s only one surefire way to accomplish that goal—by divulging the secrets I’ve been keeping from her for the past few weeks.

Stoic, I remain turned away from Kay. I stare down at the T-shirt in my hand, and say slowly, “What if I told you I’ve been keeping things from you?”

“I suspected as much,” she whispers.

I venture a quick glance over my shoulder. The color has drained from her cheeks, and I f*cking hate that I’m the one causing that reaction.

I avert my eyes when she asks, “So, what kinds of things have you been keeping from me?”

“I’ve wanted to come clean with you for a while now,” I reply, avoiding the immediate question as well as her gaze.

“What’s been stopping you?”

I drop the shirt onto the bed and turn around completely to face her.

There are tears brimming in her eyes, threatening to overflow. Shit.

Undeterred, though, I say, “Maybe I’ve been fooling myself, Kay, thinking I’m becoming a better person. But what if the man I’ve been striving to be just isn’t me?”

“What are you saying?” she whispers, like that’s all she’s got now in the volume department.

“I’m saying that I haven’t changed all that much. Secrets have always been a part of my life. And nothing is any different. When it comes right down to it, you can believe what you want, but I’m still the same man I’ve always been, baby.”

“I love the man you are, Chase.”

Her words slaughter my heart with their raw truthfulness.

She continues, gutting me a little more with each syllable. “And you have changed, a lot, in ways that matter. You’re better, you’re good, and you’re—”

“No,” I interrupt sharply.

I can’t listen to Kay singing my praises, which are undeserved, especially when I’m trying to push her away.

Still, I soften a bit when my eyes meet hers. “I’m not anything close to good,” I whisper.

I take a step toward her, but I make myself stop.

Kay’s eyes urge me to keep going. Don’t stop now, they plead. Come to me.

However, I don’t move.

If I go to Kay, I will take her in my arms, and my resolve will crumble. I need to stay strong, because staying strong means staying distant. And distance is my goal. I need emotional distance so I can do what I have to do. And I need geographic distance, meaning Kay needs to remain in Harmony Creek while I fly out to deal with the impending shitstorm in Vegas.

With all that in mind, I stand firm. My girl’s face falls, and I clear my throat.

“What?” she snaps. “Just tell me and get it over with. Tell me what you’ve been keeping from me.”

She is striving to stay strong, striving to be tough with me. If this situation weren’t so heart wrenching, I’d laugh at her fire.

“Okay.” I nod. “So…the day I went to Kyle’s, when I first warned him to stay away from Will, to quit selling him drugs. Well, that request came with a price.”

“What kind of price?” Her voice cracks, and the fire she had thirty seconds ago flickers out.

“He asked me to f*ck up some addict who owed him money.”

Her eyes widen. “That’s what happened to your hand that night.”

I nod, but I don’t tell her that I didn’t annihilate the guy. I hit him once, sure, but not in a way that would’ve resulted in the damage my hand sustained. That shit came from hitting the f*cking bricks.

From Kay’s expression, though, I know she thinks the worst.

Good, that’s what I want.

“That’s not all,” I add, preparing to reveal my other secret.

“There’s more?” she replies, her tone weary.

“There’s more,” I confirm. “Haven’t you even once been curious as to why Doug Wilson never looked you up like he was supposed to?”

“Chase”—tears form in her eyes—“what did you do?”

I take a deep breath, then, with my words, push her away some more.

“That day…” I falter momentarily. Shit, this is hard on me, too. “That day Cassie called about her stepdad, the day Will first flipped out. Remember how you couldn’t get a hold of me?”