Needing Her (From Ashes #1.5)(52)
“Christ, Maci, no. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t cheat on you,” I promised, and waited for her to relax . . . When she didn’t, I spoke again. “She lives in Texas with her boyfriend, but she’s the reason why I’ve been so different since this summer. I need to tell you about everything so you’ll understand why I was the way I was.”
“Okay,” she said warily, and started to move off my lap, but I kept her there. I needed her there, needed to feel her touch while I told her.
With a deep breath in, I told Maci everything. Told her about the family-disturbance call that had first led me to Cassidy’s parents’ house years ago. How I’d believed Cassidy when she told me nothing was happening, and how after her mom burned the house to the ground right before summer started with her and her husband in it, I’d found out that Cassidy had been physically abused by her mom and stepdad every day since she was young. I told Maci about the black eye Cassidy’s boyfriend had given her accidentally when Cassidy tried to break up a fight he was involved in, and the day in the coffee shop where I’d told her everything about my life before being adopted. How our similar pasts, and her own fears that had closely matched mine, had left me begging her to be mine, and following her back to Texas after she’d left to be with her boyfriend again. And most importantly, how I’d left when she asked me to, and I’d spent six months trying to feel anything again, and find someone who could evoke any type of emotion in me. How Maci had done that, and more.
When I finished telling her everything, Maci studied my face for a long time before asking, “Do you still feel anything for her?” I shook my head, and began to respond, but she continued talking. “That’s a really intense reaction to have to another girl, you can’t tell me that after six months of the ‘Zombie Connor’ that suddenly there’s nothing left for her now.”
“She wasn’t you, Maci. I told you about my fears, and the nightmares that I have. I’d thought that Cassidy was the only one that would understand that and not judge me for it, because I didn’t want to put that kind of life on someone who hadn’t lived it. As f*cked up as that seems . . . but I was wrong. And, if you think what you saw over the last six months was bad, you should have seen me after I made you believe I didn’t want you. I’d felt numb after Cassidy . . . but thought I was dying after what I did to you. I didn’t think I’d find someone to make me feel anything again after her . . . but didn’t know how I was supposed to live without you. Do you see the difference?”
“What if she came back?”
“She won’t,” I assured her.
“But what if she were to. What would you do?”
I looked into Maci’s eyes, and told her honestly, “I would thank her for inadvertently showing me that I deserved the life I want to have with you.”
Maci’s lips were on me fast and hard, and though I wanted nothing more than to kiss her forever, I forced our mouths apart and waited until she was looking at me again.
“I need to know what you think about everything you know now. My past, my fears for the future, Cassidy . . .” I trailed off.
She thought for a second, her lips pursing as her eyes got a faraway look. “I understand why you have your fears, but I know you and know that you won’t turn into him. I will never know what it was like to grow up the way you and Amy did, but I hate it for you and I’m here if you ever need to just talk about it. As for Cassidy . . . I’ve watched you change completely over the last month. If there were lingering feelings for her, you’d still be a zombie, so I believe you when you say there’s not.” I kissed her softly, and laughed when she whispered against my mouth, “Besides, if she came back, you really think I wouldn’t kick her ass if she tried to take you from me?”
“Nothing will keep me from you again.”
“I’m holding you to that,” she said softly before pressing her mouth to mine again.
The kiss was slow, but heated. After pulling down the zipper on her hoodie, and pushing it off her, I pulled the strap of her thin shirt over her shoulder, and left a trail of open-mouthed kisses across her collarbone. Her skin was covered in goose bumps, and she shivered against me as her hands went to the jeans I was still wearing.
“Didn’t have anything to change into?” she teased.
“Don’t, Maci. If your dad walks in, he’ll kill me for what I’m already doing to you.”
“He won’t.”
“One of your brothers is in the room next to mine.”
Her hands didn’t stop as she undid the button and zipper. “Not right now, both Dakota and Dylan went to one of the bars in town to calm down and probably get some girls for a few hours.”
“They could be back soon—f*ck,” I groaned when she freed me from my jeans, and grabbed my length in her hands.
“Stop trying to come up with reasons not to, no one is coming in or going to hear us. And after everything, I need you. Please, Connor,” she begged in a small voice.
A low growl built up in my chest, and I pulled her off me to lay her down on the bed. Ridding myself the rest of the way of my jeans, I pulled off her sweats and underwear at the same time, and parted her legs as I laid my body on top of hers. “I f*cking love it when you beg.”
A slow, coy smile spread across her face. “I know.”