Menace (Scarlet Scars #1)(105)

I miss it.

I miss her.

I try not to think about it so much. Maybe that’s hard for you to understand. But dwelling gets me no closer to finding the end to this drawn-out nightmare. So I compartmentalize. I tuck it away, deep inside of me, locking it up somewhere safe where the world can’t touch it, where reality can’t reach it or try to take it from me. It gets me through every minute of every hour. Without it, I’m not sure I’d survive much longer.

“Shove your apology up your ass, Scarlet. I don’t accept it.”

The voice calls out behind me, loud and brash, a genuine hint of anger in his words that makes a chill flow through me.

Lorenzo.

I’m standing on the ledge on the roof of this apartment building again, one of the last places I should be, probably, but I knew I’d be able to catch the sunrise from here.

Guess he knew it, too.

Didn’t take him long to find me.

I didn’t expect him to bother, to be honest, but there’s that little part of me that selfishly hoped he cared. He shouldn’t, because I bring nothing but trouble, but still… I yearn to mean something.

Do you know what that’s like?

To know you’re poison but still be desperate for someone to sip from you anyway?

“Did you kill him?” I ask quietly, staring out at the city, over toward Brooklyn, where I know he went last night. Where I know he heard my truth. How much of it, I’m not sure, but knowing Kassian, it would be just enough.

“Wanted to,” he says. “Thought about it. Almost did it. But no, he’s still alive.”

The relief I feel sickens me. The world around me spins. I close my eyes, to take a deep breath, trying to calm my achey chest.

I hear Lorenzo approach. He purposely snuck up on me, making no noise on his way to the roof, but he’s being deliberate about it now, warning me he’s coming closer.

Opening my eyes again, I carefully turn around, words on the tip of my tongue about how I truly am sorry he got mixed up in my mess, when the wind is knocked right out of me. It feels like a fist slams into my gut. I gasp. My heart stalls. My vision grows hazy until I see nothing.

I almost collapse.

My knees go weak, legs starting to buckle, foot slipping on the edge of the ledge. I sway, damn near falling, the sight hitting me like tank.

Buster.

Lorenzo holds the teddy bear upside down by its foot. It’s in worse shape than I’ve ever seen it, but I know that bear.

I’d recognize it anywhere.

“Jesus f*ck.” Something flashes in Lorenzo’s eyes. It almost looks like fear. He darts forward, snatching ahold of me, yanking me back onto the roof. I slip again, almost falling, this time onto him, but he keeps me upright, slamming me back against the ledge, pinning me there with his body. “I swear to God, if you throw yourself off this roof, I’m jumping after you, and I’m going to catch you.”

Whoa. I don’t know what to make of those words.

My eyes widen, my heart racing.

“I’ll catch you,” he says again, his face so close to mine I can feel his breath on my skin, “because in those few seconds before you hit the ground, I’m going to f*cking choke the life out of you for doing that shit. You got me?”

“I got you,” I whisper, surprised I can even speak.

He keeps me pinned there, pressed flat up against me, staring me dead in the face. I’m frozen, like I’m made from stone, unable to move... unable to look. He’s holding it in his hand, and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what it means, but it’s the closest I’ve gotten to her in ten long months. I need it to be real.

“I got you,” he says, his voice low, serious, and I think at first he’s just echoing what I said, until he raises his eyebrows, emphasizing them. “I got you. It’s okay.”

I blink rapidly, my eyes burning, a lump in my throat that I’m struggling to swallow back.

“I got you,” he says for the third time, “but I’m telling you, if you start f*cking crying on me right now, if you start boo-hoo’ing, there’s a chance I’ll just throw you over the side myself, so don’t do it.”

“I’m trying not to,” I whisper, my voice cracking.

“Good,” he says. “You think I can let go? You think you can stand up on your own?”

I nod.

He lets go of me, taking a step back.

As soon as he does, my feet come out from under me, and I slide right down to the roof on my ass. My shirt catches on the ledge, the old crumbly bricks scraping my back, as a noise comes out of me. A loud noise. An inhuman noise. I quickly cover my mouth to stifle it.

Tears burn my eyes, obscuring my vision.

Buster is right there, inches from my face.

I reach for the bear, grasping hold of its arm, and Lorenzo relinquishes it to me, not hesitating at all. As I clutch it to my chest, I pull my knees up, folding into myself. Tears break free and stream down my cheeks.

I cry.

Fuck it.

I can’t hold it back anymore.

My chest aches, my stomach clenches, and I can’t catch my breath because I cry so hard. I’m hyperventilating, a mess, falling apart. Lorenzo just stands there, not consoling me, but he doesn’t leave, either. He stays right in front of me, staring out into the city, as I sob.

“I asked one thing of you,” he says when I calm down. “One thing. That’s it. I said don’t cry.”