Making the Cut (Sons of Templar MC #1)(91)

“Did you just see that?” I asked Cade, my voice a little breathy. “She didn’t even try to fight him or call him a biker * or anything.” I was gobsmacked, and torn between happiness that Amy had someone that cared for her, and disappointment that might not be having her as a sister in law anymore. I frowned. I was really looking forward to being an aunt.

I glanced over at Cade who hadn’t said a word. His eyes were black, and a muscle in his cheek was twitching. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, he was such a caveman.

“Seriously Cade, you all but thump your chest and proclaim ‘Gwen is mine’ every time we see Luke. He gets the message. We’ve had lunch like three times, I enjoy his company, purely as a friend. You have to trust me, and let me have friends that happen to have penis’s.” I finished, quite proud of how firm I sounded. My hulk of a boyfriend was pretty scary when riled.

He continued to stare at me with that blank look on his face, arms crossed.

“This isn’t about f*ckin Crawford. Although I’m dis f*cking pleased you kept your little lunches from me.” He bit out.

I threw my hands up in the air. “He speaks! I was beginning to think I was destined to have a mute for a boyfriend. The plus side would be not having to deal with all your macho man comments.” I joked, but Cade wasn’t even cracking a grin. I begin to read the intensity in the air and got a bad feeling. I cautiously walked up to him and put my hands on his waist.

“What’s wrong then?” My voice was soft and I craned to meet his black eyes.

His body was hard against mine, not responding to my touch.

“Amy’s right.” He growled, voice rough. “You’ve been through hell, and getting involved with me put you right back there. I got you kidnapped.”

It pained me to hear the raw emotion in his voice. I put my hand to his cheek, opening my mouth to say something, soothe him, but he got there first.

“Men put their hands on you.” His hand lightly trailed my face. “You should never have once known violence not again. You are perfect, pure. And so f*cking tiny, any man that would hurt you doesn’t deserve to breathe. And I got you hurt again. Christ I put my hands on you because I was going crazy at the thought of anything happening to you.”

“Cade…” I felt this was going in a terrible direction. I wanted to tell him I was okay.

“No Gwen.” He removed his hand from my face and stepped away from me, his face back to blank.

“I thought I could protect you, protect you from the ugliness of this life, not let it taint you. I was wrong. Even if we get out of the gun business, I will always have enemies, enemies that would use you. I can’t live with that. We have to end, this is over.” He delivered the verbal punch and I almost doubled over. His voice and face both were void of emotion, which I knew was a lie. He loved me, he was trying to protect me. Before I could argue, he stepped towards me, cupping my head and roughly kissed me. I didn’t have time to process this, he released me and walked towards the door. He couldn’t leave.

“I tried to commit suicide.” I blurted and he froze.

“Well I didn’t physically try, someone stopped me before it got that far, but I was going to. No one knows apart from Alex and Bull.” I talked to his back, he doesn’t turn but he didn’t leave either. He just stayed rooted to the spot, maybe it was good so I didn’t have to look into his eyes when I laid myself bare.

“It was six months after my attack, I went through hell trying to heal physically, but I got there. Mentally I was still in that warehouse. I barely ate, hardly ever slept, I saw their faces every time I closed my eyes.” I paused, taking a deep breath before I continued. “I couldn’t get clean. No matter how hard I tried, I felt dirty, tawdry, broken. I felt like I would never get better, that I would be sentenced to the nightmare of a life I was living. I had dedicated friends, a loving family. They all wanted to help, tried so hard, but they couldn’t. They couldn’t fix me. So I was going to take the coward’s way out. The selfish, easy way out. I planned on swallowing a bunch of sleeping pills, convinced I wanted to die. I almost succeeded.”

I heard Cade’s hissed breath but he still didn’t turn. I wanted to go to him but I couldn’t, I couldn’t bear to see what might be disgust or rejection in his eyes. So I carried on, I had to make him understand.

“I was lucky. So incredibly lucky that I had a friend who saw the signs, he knew what I was going through, he suspected what I was going to do. He walked in on me with a handful of pills. He saved my life.” I whispered. “I managed to get help, talk through my issues. But until I met you I was still broken. I was resigned to the life I was going to live, I wasn’t unhappy, but I would never have the appetite for life I used to. Or so I thought.” The energy in the room turned electric, but Cade still didn’t turn. I willed myself to finish what I had to say.

“I’m not trying to say that I would ever consider hurting myself again. I’m in a good place now, a healthier place, but you fixed me. You scared away my demons, made me fall in love with you. I don’t care about the club, what you think might happen. I trust you, feel safe with you. I’m not letting you walk out of my life because you are trying to protect me. If you walk out that door you will hurt me more than any evil thug ever could.” I finished on a whisper, my voice barely audible.