Love and Let Die (Masters and Mercenaries #5)(38)

Oh, but there was. He didn’t cuddle the subs afterward no matter what he told Charlie. Every encounter was negotiated, and the most aftercare he would give was praise for a job well done, some ointment on abrasions if he left them, and the occasional massage. Sometimes he would offer orgasms if he wanted the sub sexually.

But he didn’t cuddle with them afterward and he didn’t sleep beside them. He would never admit it. Not ever. He wouldn’t admit that he could fool himself during sex. He could close his eyes and pretend the sub under him was Charlie, but the minute he held them, the illusion was gone and he was hollow and empty again.

They didn’t smell like her, like lemons and sugar. They weren’t as soft as his wife. Their skin didn’t seem to sink into his. When his partners talked, they didn’t have her sweet sarcasm.

They hadn’t lied to him. They hadn’t betrayed him.

Fuck.

“I need you and Eve to come out to the house and stay with us. If this plan works, Li will bring the * out to my place for the interrogation.” That might solve one of his problems. Maybe if he knew Alex and Eve were there he would keep his hands off the girl.

Maybe.

Alex studied him for a moment. “All right. That should work out just fine. We’re having the house we bought renovated. It was supposed to be ready when we got back from Hawaii. We were going to stay in a hotel, but your place might be so much more fun. Might I ask why? You could handle an interrogation yourself.”

Well, he sure as f*ck wasn’t going to tell Alex he needed help keeping his hands off Charlie. Alex seemed to be morphing into Oprah, and Ian was certain all sorts of mushy advice would follow. “I want Eve to work up a full evaluation on Charlotte and her sister. She can do it better if she’s watching them outside an interview.”

“Are you sure you want to treat her like a suspect? This might be the time to try to get to know her again.” Yep. Oprah was in the house.

“The only way I want to get to know that woman again is whether or not she’s telling me the truth.”

“That’s not what it looked like on that tape, man.”

“I am attracted to her,” he allowed.

“You’re attracted to a lot of women. You don’t cuddle them and rub your cheek against their hair. You don’t look peaceful when you’re close to them.”

He sent his best friend a hard stare. “Have you been reading Serena’s books? What the f*ck is wrong with you?”

Alex held his hands up in surrender. “Sorry. You’re not ready to talk about this. Eve told me to take it slow, and I’m pushing you.”

He had to get a few things clear. “I’m attracted to Charlotte, but I’m not going to let her play me the way she did last time. Maybe she’s here for all the right reasons, but she’s too late. I won’t let her in again. I might f*ck her because it’s almost inevitable, but as soon as this plays out, I will dump her ass and I won’t look back. You guys seem to be waiting for me to have some grand revelation. Well, let me tell you something, Alex. I already had it. I had it when I realized she was willing to use me, to let my team suffer the consequences so she could solve her own problems.”

“She was trying to save her sister.”

“I would have saved her sister,” Ian nearly roared back, the betrayal so close to his surface. He forced his rage down. God, he didn’t want to do this, but no one seemed willing to let him be. “She was my sub and she trusted that f*cker Nelson over me. We’re done.”

“I hadn’t thought about it like that, Ian,” Alex said, his eyes grave.

Ian turned and saw Charlie looking right at him. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t have been able to hear what he’d said, but she obviously hadn’t missed the way he’d said it. Her face went soft as though she could offer him sympathy and peace from another room.

He felt himself go cold. Yes, that was better. Cold was infinitely better than the hot anger that threatened to overtake him. “Well, it’s the only way I can think about it.”

“I broke trust with Eve and we still made it.”

Ian rolled his eyes, turning away from his onetime wife and back to his best friend. “No, you were stupid. You didn’t listen to her and you both got hurt. Then you were stubborn for a really long time. It’s different. I knew fairly soon into the relationship that Charlotte wasn’t what she seemed to be, but I loved her. I knew she was in some sort of trouble, but I didn’t want to push her. I loved that woman more than anything I’ve loved in my life. More than Sean. More than my mother. I thought we had a bond. I married her because I thought she would turn to me. I gave her every chance to trust me. Instead, she let Nelson nearly kill her. She took a drug that probably had a fifty-fifty chance of ending her instead of turning to me. No. I will not trust her again. No. I will not let her back in. I know you think I’m missing a piece of myself. You think I’m a bastard and that somehow a woman is magically going to fix me, but you’re wrong. She was my shot and it didn’t work. We don’t all get to find our Eves. I understand if you would rather hang with the married guys. Women tend to get nervous around me.”

He hated the idea of losing Alex. Really hated it, but he didn’t let it show.

Alex sighed, standing up and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m backing off now. Not from you. You’re my best friend and you have been for damn near my whole life. You can’t lose me. And Eve loves you. Grace loves you. I don’t know where these nervous women are because Serena really was taking notes and probably will put you in a book soon. You can rail at her and she’ll just smile at you. The only woman around here who’s scared of you is Phoebe, but then she screamed about a spider the size of a dime the other day. So I’m not too worried about her. I’ll go talk to Eve and tell her we’re sticking close to you for a couple of days to watch your back.”