Love & Gelato(58)
I feel like I’ve come to the end of an era. The past year has held some of my best moments but also some of my worst. I haven’t heard a single word from X since that day in the train station, and now that the sharp edges of that day have dulled, I keep asking myself the same question: How could our relationship have meant so much to me and so little to him?
May 12
For the past few weekends Howard and I have been renting a car and dragging Francesca on outings to Tuscan hill towns. We have very specific roles: Howard drives and DJs, I read aloud from a travel book, and Francesca sits in the back and complains. We have so much fun, and I’m so glad to have them for a distraction. Sometimes I even forget about X for a while.
MAY 13
Francesca was just offered a position as an assistant to a prominent fashion photographer in Rome. If she takes it (and she will) she’ll start in less than a month. Howard has been interviewing for jobs too. He told me he’ll do whatever it takes to stay in Italy. Janitor with a PhD in art history, anyone? We’ve always been kindred spirits about Florence. While the rest of our friends sat around complaining about the city’s tourists and how expensive everything is, we were the ones pointing out stained glass windows and trying every strange flavor of gelato we came across.
I hate to admit it, but even though I still love Florence with my whole heart, it has become a sad place to me as well. Everywhere I go I see places I went with X, and it’s like I can hear echoes of our conversations. I spend hours wondering why our breakup was so sudden. Did the school find out? Did he meet someone else? But it’s useless to think about. I could wonder forever.
MAY 14
Only about a week left on my project. Petrucione has recommended a few art schools for portrait photography, and he said that if I can round out my portfolio I’ll have my pick of any program I want. Trying to feel as enthusiastic as I should about it. Part of me is ready for the next phase, and part of me wishes I could just stay in this city forever.
MAY 15
Howard must be sick of me blowing him off to work on my portfolio, because he blindsided me on my way out of the studio and told me he was taking me to see the Florence American Cemetery and Memorial. He’s been working there as a volunteer for the past few months (add WWII history to his long list of interests) and was recently approached about applying for the position of live-in superintendent. The current superintendent had a stroke earlier this month, and they’re scrambling to find someone to replace him. I can’t imagine a more perfect person for the job—or a more perfect place for Howard. He said it’s a long shot and tried to act nonchalant about it, but I could tell how badly he wants the job.
MAY 18
What is wrong with me?? One day I feel like I’m moving along just fine, and other days I’m so weepy and emotional I may as well be standing in that train station in Rome. I stay up late working most nights, but even if I don’t I still can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I just think about X. I know I should be getting over him by now, but I just wish we could have one more conversation. In a moment of weakness I tried his phone number, but it had been disconnected. I know it was for the better, but I was still so disappointed.
MAY 20
Howard was offered the job! Francesca and I took him out to his favorite pizza place to celebrate, and when we got back to our apartment, Francesca scurried up the stairs, leaving Howard and me standing outside. I was about to say good night, but he started hemming and hawing and then out of nowhere invited me to stay with him at the cemetery for the rest of the summer. He made it sound so easy: Finish up your grad school applications. Stay in my spare bedroom. Spend a little more time in Florence. What an offer! I said yes before he even finished asking.
MAY 22
Today was my last official day as a student at FAAF. I’m planning to take the weekend off. Then I’ll start assisting Petrucione on Monday. Francesca and I spent the afternoon packing up our apartment. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m going to miss my cardboard mattress and all those noisy bakery customers. So many good things happened to me here!
Francesca left an hour ago. Her internship starts in two weeks, and she’s going to visit her parents first. I helped drag all nine of her bags down to the street, and then we just hugged. She claims she never cries, but when she pulled back her eyeliner was a tiny bit smudged. Hopefully she makes good on her promise to visit Howard and me soon.
MAY 24
Well, it’s official. I am now a resident of the Florence American Cemetery and Memorial. All the stress of ending the school year must have hit me, because yesterday I was so exhausted that I could barely even get out of bed. The previous superintendent left the place fully furnished, so Howard’s been able to jump right into the job. The spare bedroom is perfect for me, and Howard said he doesn’t mind if I cover the walls with photographs.
MAY 26
The cemetery is gorgeous, and even though I should be spending all my free time working on my grad school applications, I keep taking breaks to wander through the headstones. The Wall of the Missing is especially interesting. How is it that they were living, breathing people and all of a sudden they were just gone? This morning I was photographing it and the assistant superintendent, Sonia, joined me and we had a nice long talk. She’s a lovely woman. Smart, like Howard, and so dedicated to working here.
MAY 30
This has been such a great week. After we’re done working for the day, Howard and I cook, watch old movies, and go for long walks, and it just feels so perfect. Sometimes Sonia joins us, and we sit around playing cards or watching movies or just talking. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but for years I’ve felt like I was looking for something—like I wasn’t quite in the right place. But here with Howard, that feeling has evaporated. I don’t know if it’s the city, or the peacefulness of the cemetery, or having so much time to work on my photography, but I’ve never felt more at ease. There’s something very healing about this place.