Love Tap(29)

“This is all my fault. I, I should have been here.” My dad’s voice is loud, he’s not trying to hide the shame he is feeling.

“These things are called a secret killer for a reason Nick. Nobody knew, not even I. How would you have known?”

“Yeah, but had I been here, maybe I would have seen the signs. I could have taken the girls off your hands, given you a break.”

“It’s cancer Nick, nobody can predict these things.” My mother’s voice cracks, and I lose it. I start sniffling and bawling into my pillow so loud my door is opened.

“Tatum?” My mother’s voice is soft and I can’t help but break down even more.

“Baby…” She climbs onto my bed and pulls me into her lap.

“I don’t want you to die.” The words just come out before I think about them.

She exhales, her hands smoothing my hair from my face. But she doesn’t say she isn’t dying.

“Is it treatable?”

“No, it’s stage four breast cancer, and it has spread into my lymph nodes.”

“We are still going to try though.” My dad breaks in, leaning against the doorframe. “Your mother needs us all here, to stay strong with her.”

“Does that mean you won’t be boxing next month?” I wipe a tear from my cheek. Dad is fighting in a match that could make his career. There are going to be scouts from all over. If he makes an impression, we could be rich.

“No. I’m not going.”

“Nicky—” My mom’s hand halts in my hair, her face scrunched disapprovingly of his decision.

“It’s not up for negotiation Marlow. My days of boxing are over. My only fight is your cancer. That goes for all of us.” Dad sets his eyes on me, and my heart cracks. He wants me to give up my judo and kick boxing classes.

I can stop my classes for a while, I want to. I want to be here for Mom.

After my parents leave I slip on my coat and shimmy down from my window. The night is bitterly cold, and the tears on my face freeze to my cheeks.

Running in my fuzzy boots, the grass crunches beneath my feet as I make my way to Camden’s window. Tugging it open, I climb in. He’s asleep. His short blond hair is sticking up everywhere, and he’s shirtless. My insides twist looking at his perfect chest. We’ve cuddled before, but we had our clothes on.

The kids at school have been experimenting with sex. The pressure has not been easy.

He stirs, and I remember why I’m here.

“Camden,” I whisper. His eyes flutter open, and a smile fits his perfect face when he sees me.

“I was just dreaming about you.” His voice muffled with sleep.

I roll my eyes, and shove him over.

“Nice line.”

“I thought you’d like that.” He throws the blanket over us, and hovers above me. His vivid blue eyes search my face. His smile slowly fades as he senses my sorrow.

“What’s wrong?”

My hands caress his tight chest, but my mind is hardly thinking about how close Camden’s body is to mine.

“You know how I told you Ma has been going to a lot of doctors lately?” My voice cracks with emotion.

“Yeah?”

“Well, I just found out she has… she has cancer Camden.” Tears spring from my eyes, my heart beating hard.

“Baby, don’t cry.” He lies down next to me, and thumbs my tears. “These things can be treated nowadays.”

I shake my head, looking up at the posters on the ceiling. It’s a blonde chick with boxing gloves over her big boobs.

“No, not this time. I mean, they’re going to try, but Mom pretty much told me there’s little hope.” Saying it out loud, my chest feels so heavy I can’t breathe.

“Shit.” His back rises, as he takes a deep breath. “What can I do?” Turning my head, I palm the side of his face. Patches of stubble are beginning to grow on his face.

“Can I just, can I lay here for a little bit. Mom’s in the living room crying, and Dad is taking down all his trophies. He blames himself, and is going to quit boxing. I can’t be in that house right now.”

“Yeah, of course.” He grabs my hips and pulls me close. I can feel his excitement having me next to him, and if I wasn’t such a mess I’d confront him about it, but right now I just want to be in the comfort of his arms.

Getting comfortable, he spoons me from behind. His hot breath on my shoulder, and the smell of his skin surrounding me.

What happens to my family when Mom is gone? Can Dad raise two girls or will he send me off? How long will Mom live for?

My mind races with the worst of thoughts.

“I can hear your mind from here babe.” He massages my shoulders, and kisses the back of my neck. “Stop stressing, I’m here.”

“Thank you Camden,” I whisper into the dark.

“What are boxing buddies for?” he replies.

The next week is miserable as they start radiation therapy treatment right away. When Mom comes home from it, it’s as if death is literally in our house. She cries and screams from the pain, and I can’t help but cry and scream with her. It’s as if we are all dying with her.

She’s suffering. It makes me angry and bitter at the world. Why would God take my mother away? I’ve been in many fights at school, my dad is not pleased with me. I’m trying to behave, trying not to bring any more stress to my mother but I can’t help it. I’m… I’m f*cking angry! The only thing that helps is when Camden and I sneak to a judo class, or even a kick boxing class. Something about kicking that bag as hard as I can, it gives me sense of control… something I feel like I don’t have outside of the gym. I say sneak because Dad forbid me from any martial arts, and I tried to obey his wishes… but I just can’t.